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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this can’t be a common way of thinking?

184 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 18:24

I was in a shop earlier pushing a trolley around with my two children in, one of whom is a 14 month old.

We got to the check-out and the woman in front looked like she was in her 60s and had a young infant sitting in her trolley too.

We got chatting about the little ones and the lady said it was her granddaughter who she looks after a few days a week.

I asked her if it was her first grandchild and she said that she had a grandchild through her son too but this one (the one in the trolley) was her daughter’s child and so it was her “first proper grandchild.”

What the hell?

I had absolutely no idea what to say in response so I just smiled.

I know there’s stereotypes of a lovely mother/daughter relationship etc etc but to say that a child that comes from your daughter more of a grandchild than one that comes from your son is pretty out there in terms of thinking isn’t it?!

OP posts:
thisneverendingsummer · 16/10/2018 20:54

Nah, no excuse at all. What a vile thing to say!

Unfortunately, that IS how some women think. They do value the children of their daughters more than the children of their sons.

Many women DO love their son's kids as much, obvs! Smile

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 16/10/2018 20:54

Makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm guessing biology ain't her strong point.

FunSponges · 16/10/2018 20:55

I think it's probably quite common. MIL certainly makes an effort with SILs child and not at all with ours, she expects DH to do the running to her there but will happily arrange to visit SIL and her child frequently.

I can see how this thinking comes about tbh. If DS has a child, unless his partner isn't close to her family, I expect their child will see more of her family whilst DD would come to me more. Of course that doesn't mean I wouldn't see DS's child as not my grandchild at all and I'd hope they would come over frequently and be open to me visiting etc. I admit I see my family as more my DCs family than DH's but then they are a funny bunch anyway, very distant and quite self centred whereas mine are not so I guess it depends on the individual family.

Jeippinghmip · 16/10/2018 20:58

I met a woman last week who said something similar. She said that her daughter had just had a baby, so this one was special.

choli · 16/10/2018 21:02

She's probably got one of those DILs who treat their own mother as a grandmother and her MIL as some foreign unrelated monsters that cannot be left alone with the grandchild.

MilkItTilITurnItIntoCheese · 16/10/2018 21:05

I think my pil think like this. They don’t actually have any other grandchildren but they are convinced that our dc are ‘bound to be closer to my mum’ and are bitter about it. That is so not the case by the way - or at least it wasn’t. Long boring story but they’ve created the distance themselves. And I don’t mean geographically.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 16/10/2018 21:09

That’s horrid. Nasty grandma!

maddiemookins16mum · 16/10/2018 21:15

I think that’s a very uncommon thing to say/think.

Fontofnoknowledge · 16/10/2018 21:17

She's probably got one of those DILs who treat their own mother as a grandmother and her MIL as some foreign unrelated monsters that cannot be left alone with the grandchild.

^
This

sizeofalentil · 16/10/2018 21:19

My MIL is a perfectly nice woman, but has said similar to me in the past. Not even trying to be nasty, just a point of fact.

Parisbun · 16/10/2018 21:24

Its a bit like that for our family but not just because the ILs were less interested in the DGCs . DH is not that close to his parents so consequently he didnt see them as much I saw my parents. Plus we lived that bit closer to mine than his. Neither set of GPs did any babysitting so it wasnt build on that.

Louiselouie0890 · 16/10/2018 21:25

Maybe she feels that way as she's had her nose pushed out? Some woman naturally gravitate more to there own mother than mother in laws. You never know

AnotherPidgey · 16/10/2018 21:25

There was a GM in my family who considered a pair of half-siblings to be unequal, despite exactly the same connection to her just because the DiLs were different and she preferred one over the other. They all lived in the same house! Confused

Sakura7 · 16/10/2018 21:27

I don't think it's fair to assume that the DIL is a horrible person, given that there are so many people posting here saying their MILs are like this and they think it's a shame.

lynmilne65 · 16/10/2018 21:30

My GC from my son live near, 4 from DD are the other end of the country 🙁

arranfan · 16/10/2018 21:31

It's rare for someone to state it that baldly. Attitudes like that are thought to be behind the better survival rate, nutritional status etc. of children via their maternal grandmother than paternal grandmother. Classic New York Times piece:

Dr. Ruth Mace and Dr. Rebecca Sear of the department of anthropology at University College in London, for example, analyzed demographic information from rural Gambia that was collected from 1950 to 1974, when child mortality rates in the area were so high that even minor discrepancies in care could be all too readily tallied. The anthropologists found that for Gambian toddlers, weaned from the protective balm of breast milk but not yet possessing strength and immune vigor of their own, the presence of a grandmother cut their chances of dying in half.

''The surprising result to us was that if the father was alive or dead didn't matter,'' Dr. Mace said in a telephone interview. ''If the grandmother dies, you notice it; if the father does, you don't.''

Importantly, this beneficent granny effect derived only from maternal grandmothers -- the mother of one's mother. The paternal grandmothers made no difference to a child's outcome.

www.nytimes.com/2002/11/05/science/weighing-the-grandma-factor-in-some-societies-it-s-a-matter-of-life-and-death.html

There's been a lot of published research since then that confirms this in different countries and cultures.

PunkrockerGirl59 · 16/10/2018 21:34

I'm sorry I just can't get past the fact that you gathered all this information from a random stranger in the checkout queue and its bothered you enough to create a thread on here. Confused

AlphaBravo · 16/10/2018 21:37

My Brother has a daughter with his now ex-wife. We don't ever see her. We saw her about 5 times when he was still married because she didn't like having anyone but her family around. I was her god mother 🤷🏼‍♀️

His ex is mental - which is why he left. He sees his daughter a few times a month and his ex wife wont allow her to visit without her. She has litterally brainwashed the kid, who comes out with things like "Mummy says you're hiding money Daddy" "Mummy says you dont love me so you dont live with us anymore" "Mummy says you wanted a different family".

He left because she was abusive emotionally and physically. My brother is broke and doesn't have a penny spare to his name and pays her almost half of his monthly wage, about 5x the cms amount. Yet she persists.

My Mum classes my son as her only grandchild as she has no relationship at all with my niece.

I'm dreading ever having a daughter-in-law like her or like some of the MN posters around sometimes 😬 as I know I may not really have the best relationship with my grandkids.

LotsToThinkOf · 16/10/2018 21:38

My MIL thinks like this. As soon as SIL had a child she just stopped bothering. It's a horrible situation which upsets my DH and makes me very bitter towards her sometimes. I feel like we have to force her to see our DC whilst she sees SIL's DC every day. We all live very close.

DH spoke to her about it and she said mothers were always closer to their daughter's children. Maybe that's true, but she actively pushes our DC to one side for SIL and her DC. It's not like she doesn't get chance to spend time with our DC, she just chooses to be busy with the other grandchildren.

She doesn't get it at all.

showmethemonkey · 16/10/2018 21:43

I thought this was a common view? My MIL honestly believes she “shares more DNA” with SIL’s children than with mine. I presume it’s because SIL was pregnant, DH wasn’t. Don’t know.

Wifeofapostie · 16/10/2018 21:44

Perhaps her son isn't in regular or any contact with his child. So although she has an older grandchild, this is the first time she has had oppertunity to be a grandparent.

Bimgy85 · 16/10/2018 21:58

I can kind of see where she's coming from. Presumably she spends a lot of time with the grand daughter (proper grandchild)

Maybe she doesn't see as much of the other one, I know that's no excuse. But I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a child much more than my cousins and they treated me like a daughter, maybe that's what she kinda meant

DarkDarkNight · 16/10/2018 21:58

I think Ploppymoodypants has it spot on. Maybe her son’s partner favoured her own mum and sought advice, help and childcare off her.

I am the only girl in my family and when I was pregnant I think my mum just felt more connected to the baby than when her DILs were pregnant. She once told me from the moment she found out I was pregnant she worried in a way she didn’t with her DILs because I am her flesh and blood.

She and my Dad adore all of their grandchildren and don’t treat them any differently.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 22:08

....She said that her daughter had just had a baby, so this one was special.

I have also heard similar things said in the past Sad

OP posts:
NewtScamandersNaughtyNiffler · 16/10/2018 22:16

My (now ex) MIL made a similar comment when her DD had a baby. Clearly her son's 2 bio children didn't count.

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