Is this CF behaviour or..?

[mollycoddle77]

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

[mollycoddle77]

She hasn't replied. I don't think she will. Am obviously a bit nervous about having p*ed her off, but yeah, she is frosty towards me anyway. Have heard from another mum today that she has done this to others, putting them on the spot with childcare requests. I'm not sure this was about childcare though, I think it's more that she wants the play date for her child, she wants to see the house, so she's going to try to make that happen.

[ProudThrilledHappy]

Molly I can tell you from experience this is testing the waters for full on bombardment.

She wants to see if your home is suitable and you are enough of a pushover to take her DD at her convenience.

Well done for putting her off but I bet she’ll try you again in a few weeks... it’ll either be mentioning how much the girls get on and how nice it’d be to have a playdate or she’ll call one day saying she’s running late for pick up and could you just have her dd for a bit and she’ll pick her up soon... then she’ll show up 2 hours later
(Yes, my CF actually did this to me )

Just keep saying no you owe her nothing

[TheMonkeyMummy]

Well done @mollycoddle77!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Oh good, just forget her and move on. What a CF, think she is going round all the parents in the class.

[Mymomsbetterthanyomom]

I think we should be friends!!
You are absolutely right!!

[HFM]

I’ve been there. These people are very thick skinned. My advice would be to ignore the message.

[DieBabySharkDie]

Not sure why this is such an issue... just say, “yeah sure - busy right now and half term is just around the corner so will look after half term when I get a sec and get back to you”........
Then don’t get back to her! Just give her the odd nod in the playground, if she asks about it just say “oh I really haven’t had time, but I will as soon as I do” and she’ll soon realise she is being snubbed! So what’s the issue? Just keep her at arms length.
Unless the kids are friends and your daughter wants to have her over, then just have the daughter over when it is convenient for YOU and carry on just nodding or even blanking the mum in the playground. So what if you two don’t kiss each other on each cheek and have minute long hugs each time you see each other... I am so busy that at pick ups and drop off I just give a quick, but big and friendly smile to whoever I (accidentally) catch eye contact with and maybe say morning/hi! Then drop my son off/grab him and his belongings and half jog back to the car - it gives an air of busy-ness!
Tbh, I’m actually not a very confident person. It’s why I am the way I am. Once the couple of parents that I have got to know, actually got to know me, (and we got drunk and I let my guard down!) they admitted that they found me the complete opposite to what they thought I was. It’s all about me being scared to be rejected and the odd time I’ve bumped into a parent or two in the supermarket I have blanked them or pretended I didn’t see them unless they called my name out and then I was really friendly! Perhaps she thought you were blanking her and this is her way of giving you an olive branch for the sake of your daughters?
I don’t know, but she could actually be the opposite of what you think she may be...
Either way, blanking her back or taking a chance and seeing what happens is a fine choice. Not sure it’s worthy of the concern you have though...?

[Canuckduck]

Its not that big of a deal. If you feel uncomfortable or you’d rather not do it say no. Sorry that doesn’t work/ no. You’re an adult, it’s your decision. Don’t ignore it.

But....most kids love having play dates even if it’s not a best friend. Is it that big of a deal to allow another child over to play? Maybe her daughter has been asking and asking and she finally just decided to be direct. Maybe the snub was unintentional? It would be weird behaviour if she really disliked you.

[joannemarie1983]

What’s CF?? Joined ages ago but new to forums 😊

[cherish123]

It is not normal. I suspect her DD wants to play with your DD. However, why doesn't she just invited your DD to hers? It could be they have a really small house or an odd family set-up or maybe the mother has mental health issues and cannot cope with her DD having a friend round.

[Gemini69]

you did good OP.. well done

[Mirkobaba]

I've read so many AIBU... threads and I still don't get it.
You do not want the kid over. Say no. Easy.
It's very rude to impose yourself on others.
There are so many CF and AIBU threads where the answer should simply be: SAY NO.
Why do British people have such an issue with this word???
I'm not saying to say go and eff off, just plain no. And also: someone else is a CF, why would you feel bad for saying no?
And also2: she isn't even your friend!!
Few years ago in my son's primary a mum I've seen only, never spoke to her, came over one pick up time and asked if I could take her 3 kids to the nearby park for half an hour. She was honestly shocked when I said No. Adding that I don't even know her name, why should I take responsibility of 3 kids I don't even know? And, btw, we weren't even planning to go to the park.
Didn't feel bad for a second.

[Mirkobaba]

@mollycoddle77
why are you nervous about what an almost perfect stranger will say about you? This should not impact how you feel about yourself and will definitely not how your friends (the ones you really can rely on/have fun with/etc) will think.
The issue is that you are internalizing someone else's problem.
If they have mental issues, weird/small house etc... that is their problem*. They should deal with it. Not you.

*unless they ask, but it's not the case here.

[Lizkin]

Joanne: CF is Cheeky Fucker

[jojojo13]

@Lizkin thanks! I thought it was c**t face 

[mollycoddle77]

I know I know. It shouldn't be this hard. There is something about her, she manages to push all my buttons. I was bullied when I was quite young (primary aged) and always felt like the underdog. I think her blanking me etc makes me feel like the underdog again, and when she then comes up to me in such a direct almost bullying fashion - I get really angry! And at the same time really scared of her.

[Volant]

I'd be getting on to the school and telling them about their breach of data protection. They have no right to give out your telephone number to all and sundry.

I'd be prepared to bet that the school has covered this, by asking for permission and/or giving people the option of opting out.

[mollycoddle77]

She is frostier towards me than many of the other mums, it's very easy to notice in a small community. So it's not like she is anxious or shy in general. But definitely there are a few pieces missing when it comes to awareness of social rules or norm...

[Ignoramusgiganticus]

What makes you think she wants to see your house?

It's very rude of her to not reply too.

[mollycoddle77]

We have recently moved, I think she is curious about the house.

[chloetheudder]

You are in charge of setting and maintaining your own boundaries. People won’t always like it but you can be firm without being rude/lying etc. I think with people like this you have to decide what your priority is: do you want to be ‘nice’ and do what others want to avoid hurting anyone else’s feelings or do you want to make decisions that feel ‘right’ to you and that honour your wants and needs? Unfortunately you can’t always have it both ways! If you don’t want to feel resentful/like you’ve been taken advantage of, you do have to say no sometimes. I personally don’t agree with lying and making up fake excuses but I do agree with being polite. I would say something along the lines of, ‘Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.’ Unless of course, your kid really wants to play with her kid in which case you could say, ‘My daughter would like to play but it would be great if the first play date could be at your house. I’m happy to host next time.’ That way you’re being clear but without being rude, unkind or dishonest.

[Superwomaninmysparetime]

Ohhh.. that’s really not good..
I have 3 DD’s and they known it’s really bad manners to expect/ask to be invited to a friend’s for a play day. Our rule is if a play date is wanted, we ask and invite the friend to our’s.

Agee with other posters- just say no, you are busy.. you shouldn’t have to give reasons.. but I can think of plenty of medical apps, visiting family, friend’s bday commitment etc.

Cheeky cow- defo sounds like childcare to me!!

[PolarBearkshire]

I wpuld check the dates... and say oh we are so busy - maybe some other time. She sounds like some manipulating b.... . Probably searching for free childcare so she can do whatever. Clearly not asking out of friendship.

[Hellsbells35]

Surprised by this reaction TBH. Surely it saves you having to go to her house, so she may be thinking it’s easier for you. Her daughter has probably asked her. My son always asks when he can go to friends houses as he wants to see their toys. I’ll have to be careful not to ask anyone in case they are horrid like you lot!

[Onthe336]

Surely it is possible to be nice. Offer her some dates and see how she responds. She may be innocently awkward, but genuinely nice.