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Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 16/10/2018 15:26

Why are you so worried about offending her.She doesnt care is she offends you.

Just say im not doing playdates.No ifs or buts.
Dont make excuses just say no.

Pickledturnip · 16/10/2018 15:32

I would just say you are redecorating at the moment so not able to commit to playdates but if she would like to have your DD over you will return the favour when you are straight.

That puts the ball back in her court. She will either:
Ignore you - job done, back to square one
Be non committal- as above
Offer a playdate - her plan backfired
Tell you to let her know when youre straight and you can arrange date then - that could be your chance to query why she has contacted you out of the blue to arrange a playdate at your house but doesn't seem to want to host one herself. And tell her for that reason you're out.

Either way, I wouldn't just say yes.

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 17:15

Ok I did it! Thank you everyone for giving me courage, it's been so helpful. In the end I wrote that it was really sweet of her DD to want to come to ours, but that it is just really bad timing for us at the moment. I doubt she will come back with same request another time, but if she does I can just say the same thing. Btw I asked my DD who said the other girl had not asked and she had not offered, so this conversation hasn't happened. So all in all I think it's a little bit of everything: she's a bit socially awkward, she is a bit of a CF, her DD may have asked her, she wants to see our house herself, she wants more play dates for her DD, etc. But I feel good about my reply - wasn't so bad in the end!! Smile

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 17:25

Good on you, it is never that bad in the end, these CF rely on people being afraid to upset the apple cart and going along with it for less hassle.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/10/2018 17:47

Well done on sending the text!

I think people giving her the benefit of the doubt - re she may have anxiety or be socially awkward - are being very kind. But, if I had anxiety, I feel like the last thing I'd want to do would be to impose myself on someone, or have someone think badly of me.

It seems much more likely that she's just a bog-standard, garden variety CF.

Celestia26 · 16/10/2018 18:02

If you're not comfortable saying No without an excuse, I would reply with:

"Sorry, having building work done on our house at the moment....."

Just repeat every time she asks. Could be a big renovation job lasting years!

fukkigucci · 16/10/2018 18:07

My standard reply is that I don’t let the kids have play dates on school nights. Which is true, they have homework, dinner, etc. Adding a play date to the mix is a pain in the neck. So just say that, no play dates on a school night.
(Occasionally I do let them, but it’s rare. And that’s including kids I like and are good friends with my kids.)

themuttsnutts · 16/10/2018 21:57

Yes, a moment of awkwardness is far better than being lumbered with someone's child for months on end.

It's far more of a hindrance than you think. You need to take into account activities after school, impromptu visits to park/town/sweet shop, dental/doctor appointments, sickness - yours, your children's, theirs in your care sometimes, family illness/crises, different routines, eating habits, parenting styles (sweets, screen time, playing out, discipline), cost of extra child.

All I can say is childmnders charge for good reason - because having other people's children is hard work.

Candymay · 16/10/2018 22:53

Your response sounds perfect.! I’ve been a victim of CF ery so many many times over the years. You’ve done so well!

Isleepinahedgefund · 16/10/2018 23:02

Your response was very good, shut it down without being confrontational. Has she come back to you?

I've been in a similar situation except the mum came up to me in the playground and asked if her DD could come to ours. It was genuinely inconvenient on that occasion, but at least our kids are actually good friends! (quite recent though).

We've ended up doing reciprocal play dates for a while now, and it's been really nice. The mum sometimes asks me if I can have her DD and I do help out if it's convenient as they are good friends, the kid is lovely and there's always a playdate invite after I've helped her out. She always says the reason why she needs childcare and doesn't dress it up as a wonderful opportunity for me to do her childcare for her. It works because it isn't one sided.

Maelstrop · 16/10/2018 23:15

Am I a massive bitch? I would have texted back ‘? But you don’t speak to me and our dds aren’t friends’. Playground politics are weird.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2018 03:09

I don't think that would make you a "massive bitch", Maelstrop, but it's' certainly blunt to the point of rudeness and would indicate you don't use any social niceties in your response.

EK36 · 17/10/2018 04:03

Well done OP. Crisis averted.

heath1977 · 17/10/2018 04:25

If your kids are friends i would probably go along with it but if my DD wasn't friends with their DD no way I'd force a play date to help them !!

GlitteryFluff · 17/10/2018 12:19

Well done for not giving in.

Welshmaiden85 · 17/10/2018 12:34

Gosh...heaven forbid someone tries to imitate social interaction.

Jaxhog · 17/10/2018 12:36

She’s not after a play date she’s after childcare.

That was my thought too. Either don't reply at all (it isn't compulsory), and wait to see if she approaches you in person. Or ask your DD if she'd really like their DD to come over and if she seems enthusiastic, reply with one date.

HyggeHeart · 17/10/2018 12:40

This is how it starts! She's clocked that you don't work at the moment and is looking for an in to free childcare!

LeftRightCentre · 17/10/2018 12:44

Bravo to you, OP! Well done. Rinse and repeat if she comes back with another request.

Gosh...heaven forbid someone tries to imitate social interaction.

Did you mean to write initiate? If that's the case did you miss the part where the OP says this mum blanks her and snubs her regularly?

And inviting yourself or yours to someone's home isn't nice social interaction, it's rude CF behaviour.

Maursh · 17/10/2018 12:48

I don't think lying alla "I get back to you " or ignoring the text are good strategies. You will feel backed into a corner OP and your anxiety will worsen if she harasses you over dates or confronts you in person.

You best bet is to be up front with her If possible, make it clear that you find her request a bit rude. Something along the lines "I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me at the moment" is enough, don't justify or engage with her. If she is looking for childcare then she probably has sent the message to a dozen people so shutting the conversation down will mean that you are not so likely to be approached in the future. On the other hand, if she is just socially awkward and your DDs have formed a friendship then you can still invite her DD around on a certain day at a certain time in the future - any chance that your DD has issued an invitation directly which has caused this muddle?

crochetmonkey74 · 17/10/2018 13:02

Have you had an reply mollycoddle77

ShalomJackie · 17/10/2018 13:12

RTFT people! Jeez. OP already replied!

crochetmonkey74 · 17/10/2018 13:23

I was asking if she had a reply back from the CF

mintyfresh00 · 17/10/2018 13:37

Ooooo hope we hear about any reply 🙏

KatKit16 · 17/10/2018 16:18

Interested to know if she replied.

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