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Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:

BiscuitDrama · 16/10/2018 11:09

If DD hasn’t asked her to play and the mother isn’t nice to you then I wouldn’t want to arrange this, and that’s apart from the CF aspect.

I’d maybe just ignore it, and if she follows up I’d say, ‘sorry, thought you’d sent it in error as DD and your DD aren’t especially friendly, so no need to set up a play date.’


astoundedgoat · 16/10/2018 11:09

I don't see any backing into a corner here. She asked, so you can just say "We're busy most days for the next couple of weeks, but I'll text you after half term if we're free."

If she had genuinely wanted a playdate, she would have invited your child over. She probably is looking for childcare and trying to fill in certain dates without being too obvious about it.

If she is rude to you on a day to day basis, why on EARTH would you do her a favour?


theworldistoosmall · 16/10/2018 11:10

Just because you don't work at the moment means nothing. Not like you will be sitting on your arse with the kids locked under the stairs.


Sammymommy · 16/10/2018 11:11

I would play daft and answer "DD would love to come to yours for a playdate. Next Thursday would be great. Thanks for the invite". Then never return the playdate. It would teach her.


GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/10/2018 11:11

Why do you feel backed into a corner? You are allowed to say 'No, sorry, we have our own routine after school.' or something like that.

She's definitely after childcare or she would be inviting your DD over to hers.


SugarCoatIt · 16/10/2018 11:12

Don't be a people pleaser, you'll get taken advantage of.

I would always wait to be invited, having said that, I've friends from various cultures, sends me messages like this, and it is just part and parcel of who she is and where she's from, but it doesn't bother me because she is lovely and I enjoy her company, if there was a backstory then it might!

Worst case scenario, suggest meeting somewhere on mutual territory, playpark, etc. So you can leave when you want to.

Failing that, send a generic message saying lots on, can't commit to dates, but will take a rain check in a couple of weeks etc

Or you could just completely ignore message and if she's says anything in person say DD mucks about with your phone and you mustn't have clocked it (though that may not sit right with you, as you sound a lot like me)


Fluffyears · 16/10/2018 11:12

Ignore her like she ignores you. Cheeky cow, let me guess, these play dates are weekdays between 8 and 6? Yeah sack that!


Bluntness100 · 16/10/2018 11:13

That's very odd.

Text back and just say I'll get back to you with some dates, I've lots of commitments at the moment. And leave it there.

If she asks again, say you're still working on it. And just keep doing that. Or respond with is there a date you'd like to have my daughter over, may be easier to arrange with my schedule.


DurhamDurham · 16/10/2018 11:13

I'd just not reply. Your daughter doesn't play with hers, you don't get on, she ignores you. You've nothing to lose so don't waste another moment worrying about it.
And you definitely do not have to justify yourself by pretending to be busy after school, that's none of her business.


hellojim · 16/10/2018 11:13

I would ignore her texts and have some reasons (invent some things)why you can't host in case she ambushes you. She sounds very pushy so you need to be prepared! Just because you are at home doesn't mean that aren't busy or that you have to accommodate people's demands.


anatol · 16/10/2018 11:13

I'd either do what previous posters have said and text her back and say, 'let me get back to you with some dates,' but then don't get back to her (although the issue with that is you've then made it sound like it's ok so she might keep pestering) or else I would just reply saying that you are sorting some stuff out around the house at the moment so it's not really convenient to have people round and you don't know when you'll be finished.


FittonTower · 16/10/2018 11:13

How old are the children? If they're young and can't organise it themselves it's not necessarily a childcare thing. My DD is in yr 1 and this isn't that unusual here - it's just a way of organising friends to meet out of school. If it were my DD wanting to play i might suggest dates because i work so there are only a few times she's not in childcare so can meet her friends after school.
She might just be trying to help her shy child make freinds.


SugarCoatIt · 16/10/2018 11:14

Loving the suggestion by @SammyMommy


Bluntness100 · 16/10/2018 11:14

And I'd agree, she's looking for childcare, probably texted a whole load of mums asking. Then she will book her commitments round what dates are planned.


Loonoon · 16/10/2018 11:14



PawsomePugFancier · 16/10/2018 11:15

Are you sure your DD hasn't invited her, even in a roundabout way? Maybe there was a conversation where another child was talking about coming to your house and her DD asked if she could come sometime and it just got a bit confused. Has your DD just got any new toy, a trampoline for example, that might have sounded like an invitation to a 6 yr old.

Perhaps the mum just struggles socially or is very shy and comes across as frosty or stand offish. I don't think she is looking for childcare, if she sent dates, it sounds more like she is clumsily trying to help her DD make friends. I'd ask your DD if she wants her to come round and pick a date. She might have a reason not to reciprocate and you should just base inviting her on whether your DD enjoys the playdate. One of my DDs closest friends, who has been here loads, never has people round as her autistic brother hates having new people in the house.


ny20005 · 16/10/2018 11:17

Block her number & ignore her if she tries to speak you at school


CantWaitToRetire · 16/10/2018 11:17

Does the other mum know you're not working at the moment? Could you tell a white lie and say you work from home (not a complete lie because I'm sure you do housework etc Grin) and can't accommodate play dates just now as too disruptive? I work from home and I could always nip out and do the school runs when kids were younger, so completely plausible. If she pushes for weekends say you're too busy with family activities.

I'd text her the response and then block her. If you block her without answering she may approach you and ask face to face which is always a bit more awkward.


Godimsounimaginative · 16/10/2018 11:17

Does her daughter have trouble socially? Maybe she's trying to help her daughter make friends?


MrsStrowman · 16/10/2018 11:18

Maybe she is just socially awkward, realises this might come across as cold and is trying to remedy the situation (badly) and try and fisher some relationships for the sake of her daughter. Is one play date such a big ask if you're home every day after school?


OctoberBirthday1110 · 16/10/2018 11:19

I THINK (could be totally wrong) that she MAY be suffering from social anxiety.
I'm only thinking that because that's exactly how I am myself.
Some days I really struggle to leave the house (I do because I have no choice and I refuse to give in to it for my children's sake).
Some days are better than others.
I'll have a confident day, and then days when all I can focus on is rushing back home to my comfort zone!!
The fact she texted you to ask about a playmate makes me think even more that this could be social anxiety related.
Yes, it's a little odd that she asked to come to your house rather than vice versa as the usual etiquette would be to invite your DD to hers first, but again there could be a reason for this.
Maybe she's worried that people might judge her home for what ever reason.
Of course it could just be that she's a CF but I always try to look at the bigger picture.
I know my social anxiety is often took for rudeness, but thankfully my true friends understand.


YeahILoveSummer · 16/10/2018 11:19

Yeah CF. You don't invite your child you wait until you get an invite!!


Fluffyears · 16/10/2018 11:20

New number, who dis?


PanamaPattie · 16/10/2018 11:21

Definitely a CF. Why is there a list of parents phone numbers for everyone to see? Surely that’s a data protection issue. Why would you want to know other parents numbers anyway!


mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 11:21

Yes mum knows I'm not working. It's quite a small community and you frequently see each other in the shop, park etc. So I don't think not responding is an option. And being really blunt back with a no would appear really dramatic. I will ask DD this afternoon. Probably the best solution if she is not interested is what some posters have said to brush her off with promises that I will get back to her. But I do take someone else's point (sorry, can't see thread or peoples names as I type in my phone) that it sends the message that what she is doing is ok. Argh. I knew there wasn't an easy answer.

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