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Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 17/10/2018 22:18

Now I’m just wondering if the list was initiated by CF so you would all be so accessible when she needed childcare Wink


anatnili · 17/10/2018 22:20

As a socially awkward person even before having my first child 2 months ago, it is ENTIRELY possible she just has no idea how to interact and gets easily overwhelmed and anxious even if she WANTS to talk to you. It's possible she's trying to do either of the following, a) find her kid friends and/or b) find other parent friends experiencing what she's going through (at least somewhat). I'm often considered "frosty" until many times into seeing someone and interacting socially, and it takes me a LONG time to stop being paralyzingly anxious around other people. I often use my husband as a crutch to be around other people but he does most of the interacting until I just barely start coming out of my shell, at which point I am apologizing almost every time for something or another that I feel I've done horribly at socially. Much later on, I might actually come around to sometimes messaging or (worse for me by a lot) actually calling someone else. Kids and pets seem a MUCH easier way to start talking to others with some less amount of judgment about why you're approaching someone (or being approached). Try to give her the benefit of the doubt. It really doesn't sound like she's only seeking free childcare. Invite her over for coffee or tea and a movie while the kids play, if your kiddo doesn't mind having the other girl over.


dustarr73 · 17/10/2018 22:47

Im socially awkward,i wouldnt have the balls to text someone who i ignored looking for a favour.

She is mostly definately a cf.


YouTheCat · 17/10/2018 22:49

I'm socially awkward but I'd never invite myself to someone's house. I might ask a child to ours for a playdate (or would have done when my kids were little).

If she's socially awkward, why does she blank the OP and not others? Why does she seem to send out messages to everyone? Looks like she's fishing for childcare to me.

I'd go with the neutral ground at the park and see if the friendship develops.


MadMadaMim · 17/10/2018 23:14

11 pages (albeit scanned quickly after the first 3) of mostly unfounded assumptions.

What is the issue with simply being honest and as polite as possible in the given scenario? You have no idea what her DD said to her - maybe she told her mum she wanted a play date at your DD's house and to arrange it. Maybe the woman in question (who's being judged and slated with almost zero facts that merit such reactions) genuinely wants to reach out and get to know you. Maybe she admires your DD and thinks she'd be a good friend for her DD. Maybe she's going through a really difficult time and wants to give herself/her DD some relief and she thinks you/ your DD/your home are safe for her daughter to be at for a few hours. Maybe asking you was so hard but she did it anyway because she loves her DD and wants to be a good mum. Maybe so many things that we'll never know unless she tells you or you ask her. Or maybe, as you assume and imply, she's a weird, socially inept, awkward, snubby CF...

Whatever she is, you still have a choice whether to be negative about her without her being able to defend herself on open social media platform or you could simply be honest, straight and polite

"Hi. Thanks for your message. DD didn't mention a playdate and when I asked her she said she doesn't remember arranging anything with your DD

I was a bit surprised when I received your message - I hadn't realised our DDs were such good friends. And, to be honest, I was a little confused as well. We don't really interact much and I thought I'd annoyed or upset you in some way as I've felt that sometimes you've avoided me. Apologies if I've read the situation wrong.

If our DDs want a playdate, then I'd be happy for them to have one. Let's see how the friendship develops. Seems like the best plan. Let me know what you think"

Easy. If I'd already decided that I don't want this person or her DD at my home, this is perfectly fine and absolutely my choice. I'd simply leave out the final paragraph

And one last but important personal view - from what you say, there is absolutely no bullying or putting on the spot. She's been up front and straight. You always have the choice to say thanks but no thanks. She has nothing to do with your being bullied in the past and you should try to avoid associating that with her (or anyone else not involved in past bullying) and how she's interacting with you. Some may view it as cheeky, rude, presumptuous, etc etc but it is definitely not bullying.


OJZJ · 18/10/2018 07:24

Aah makes me wonder if you're at the same school as my me and we see each other every day .....
My son has a friend who we have had every weekend all day and at least once a week in the holidays, I am a single mum so not the wealthiest woman in the world and we have to pay for everything ie cinema, entrance fees to play areas and attractions plus food, snacks and the inevitable ice creams that come with going out etc. Which as a rule don't mind because my son is an only child and gets lonely so it's nice for him.
But his mum is part of a bitchy clique who think they run the school and love telling you how much they spent on everything with utter oneupmanship and I get sneered at or fake helloed in public (v friendly when giving her 8 hours of free child care) it got to the point I feel I can't ask any of the other mums for a contribution towards their child's outing with us on the basis x gets it free why can't y and z
Not once has she offered to have my child over for a play date in three years!!!!
Ps she is married and in a better financial state than myself regarding the none payment part and a stay at home mum so not time poor either it's gone on too long to approach it now!!!
But THIS YEAR I am determined not to fall into the same trap!!!!


HappyBumbleBee · 18/10/2018 07:41

You have just restored my faith that mumsnet DOES still house some normal unbiased unjudgy human beings!!

To OP and others who claim to get stuck with childcare, hosting playdates, cooking & feeding for other kids etc etc etc
Just say no! It's really not as hard as you think.
"Thanks for texting, my dd/ds/Joe blogs would love a play date - unfortunately it's not possible at the moment but hopefully we can arrange something at a later time"
You don't have to explain yourself, give excuses or commit to another time!
Just say no!!!!!


Balaboosteh · 18/10/2018 07:53

Another very minor incident blown up into major deal here. Just invite the kid over - if you and DD want to. Or not. You aren’t backed into a corner at all. YABU.


Balaboosteh · 18/10/2018 07:54

Jesus you would think the other woman was asking you to gold-plate your arse the way people are going on. Reminds me of the thread about the extra kids at parties. Such lack of charity and generosity on here at the moment.


Balaboosteh · 18/10/2018 07:55

Ha! That should be “gold-plate her arse”!


MamaJune · 18/10/2018 08:00

I'd have flipped it over to her and say that nows not the best time for you to be having people at the house but DD would love to play, what's her availability like for her to host the play date at her house.


Twofingers · 18/10/2018 08:22

MadMadaMim and similar posters - thanks.
I can’t believe the general tone of this thread it’s made me feel so sad. Isn’t bullying when someone is deliberately negative to someone else?


crochetmonkey74 · 18/10/2018 08:32



hope you manage to escape- that is awfuL!!


indianwoman · 18/10/2018 08:32

I always used to blame it on the kid, so it doesn't look like it's my opinion. Say, "sorry, my dd doesn't want a play date with yours, she just likes to play with her at school. Odd but there it is! Smiley face! "
Problem over, it's not your fault!


HellenaHandbasket · 18/10/2018 09:26

That's mean Indian.


themuttsnutts · 18/10/2018 09:33

I think the point of it is that we're allowed to say no for whatever reason even if it appears unreasonable on the surface. There is a lot of guilt surrounding no and every request is perceived as a command.

Even if it's a best buddy, putting ourselves into a situation that may be restrictive, stressful, possibly even costly is something we are entitled to consider.

Whether the person on the receiving end of no appreciates that shouldn't influence your decision - even if they would be quite prepared to do the same for you if you were in their shoes. They are not you.

Ultimately, your need for a favour is for you to navigate. There are many resolutions- other friends, relatives, paid help, change on working hours, annual leave, sick leave, their dh. You are not the only person they can ask and, if you are, you are quite justified in asking why that is


mollycoddle77 · 18/10/2018 09:33

@MadMadaMim and others. The key questions for me were, is it rude to invite your child to someone else's house? To which I think there is 95% agreement that yes it is rude. And then - is it ok for me to just say no? Again about 95% agree that yes it's ok to say no.

The rest of the back and forth has been musings as to why someone might do something like that, and why might I be tying myself in knots over saying no. It sounds like you can't relate to that at all, but that doesn't mean that it is a pointless discussion for others. It's certainly been helpful for me.

OP posts:

jocarter67 · 18/10/2018 09:34

Mollycoddle77 what I would be tempted to say is that on most nights after school your children have clubs to go to and also you have to pick up your Partner/ hubby/ sister/mum up from work every day so you don’t have time to have others over for a play date. I would also be interested to ask your daughter if she plays with this little girl at school.


Ginburee · 18/10/2018 09:40

AJZJ you need your own thread, that is a massive CF.


belfastbosoms · 18/10/2018 09:41

My youngest has a few friends that he adores and asks me regularly if he can go to their houses. I invite the kids to mine (and they always come) and I get on absolutely fine with the parents. But return invites are either rare or non-existent. Occasionally I ask one of them if they can take DS for a while after school if I need help with childcare. They do it happily, tell me how much fun they've had etc. But they never invite him specifically for a play date. So, I have been wondering for a while if it's acceptable for me to ask if he can have a play date at their's. So far I haven't, A's it seems rude, but it makes me a bit sad for DS, and a bit annoyed that my hospitality is not returned.


HappyBumbleBee · 18/10/2018 10:55

I don't think this is a pointless thread, I'm just sick of all the nastiness!
Yes it was unreasonable of her to ask and of course you can say NO!
Why do people feel the need to literally drag someone through the mud making assumptions on WHY they've asked etc etc? There's no need whatsoever.


ralfeesmum · 18/10/2018 11:05

Watch out, molly! If she's expecting you to supply a rota of available dates then I'd guess that normal childcare arrangements have fallen through and she's casting round for - dare I say it - a mug?

Well, don't be one - especially if she's behaved stand-offish/weirdy in the past.


Granof4 · 18/10/2018 11:46

Have you asked your daughter if she would mind having this little girl for a play date? They don’t need to be bosom buddies for life.

Is she the child who always invites people on play dates but is never the one to be invited back , or indeed at all , so maybe her mother doesn’t want to go down that route again. Try to remove her possibly socially disfuntional mother (?)from the picture. Is it worth giving this little girl a try as a friend? You can set the date, the rules and do not ever have to repeat the invite. (Or indeed reciprocate to any return invite. )
Your DD is obviously the kind of child that this little girl would like for a friend and knows she is not likely to be on her play date list.
Maybe look at it from this point of view which leaves you in total charge but you might be doing a good thing. Who knows maybe helping mother as well as the little girl.


Earthakitty · 18/10/2018 12:56

A parent list with everyone's numbers on ?
Are you fucking kidding ?
So anyone can get your number without your consent ?
This is intrusive and totally unacceptable.
Nobody but NOBODY should have access to your private number without your consent - EVER.
This woman isn't interested in a playdate, she wants a break from her kid.
Don't be a mug.
Don't even reply.
She's not your friend do not have to respond to her at all.
If she confronts you tell her you're busy with your own stuff and make that crystal clear.
Cheeky freeloading fucker.


Hellsbells35 · 18/10/2018 14:02

OP why are you so upset and confused by someone wanting her daughter to see your daughter? Without you being put out by leaving your home? Don’t listen to those who share your opinion as it’s nasty. And @MadMadaMim why your reply has to be so rude is beyond me?!! “To be honest...” no need for that? It she was socially awkward it would be a big blow! Get a grip guys

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