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Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/10/2018 19:34

Anyone who purposely ignores you Molly, is not nice.
I would ignore her message. If she does confront you, just say you thought that she had inadvertently texted you by mistake, and though you'd like to help out, unfortunately, it doesn't work for you. The End.
Molly, she has not backed you into a corner, unless you allow her to !
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
She will target someone else.

Hushhush89 · 17/10/2018 19:37

If that was me I would have blocked her number and then deleted message, if she had confront you about a message I would have said I hadn't received it

Turniptracker · 17/10/2018 19:42

Just wanted to stop and say the snubbing may just be introversion. I am like this because I am uncomfortable making small talk with people, I don't actually mean to be rude I am just very shy

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 17/10/2018 19:47

The pp saying we’re not nice have clearly never been done over by CFs!

mimibunz · 17/10/2018 19:50

I would ignore. Or say you’re not doing play dates at the moment for personal reasons?

YouTheCat · 17/10/2018 20:01

The fact that she's done this with other people rings many alarm bells. She's putting the feelers out for childcare.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/10/2018 20:02

I’ll have to be careful not to ask anyone in case they are horrid like you lot!

People are not being 'horrid'. It's just really presumptuous to invite yourself to someone else's house.

If you want the kids to hang out, you invite them to yours. You wouldn't invite yourself to an adult's house, so ...

Obviously all bets are off if you're really good friends. But that's clearly not the case for the OP.

Samantha2018 · 17/10/2018 20:04

Absolutely l!!! I've been in this situation we had each other's numbers from me inviting the kids to my dds bday party! I then start getting messages saying .,. Would love to come round and play are you ok for weekend? I've always told my kids you wait to be invited! I agreed because I thought it wouldn't be awful (it was) and now parents ask me all the time

BewareOfDragons · 17/10/2018 20:22

She's looking for free childcare, regular days after school for others to take her DD to theirs.

So blatant, it's definitely cheeky. Not even pretending to want the girls to build a friendship by inviting yours round to hers first to get it started ... just wants childcare.

eveamber · 17/10/2018 20:41

Ignore it, shes a cheeky bugger.

FunSponges · 17/10/2018 20:46

It's free childcare OP, she wants to see if your dates fits with the dates she needs. Definite CF.

celticprincess · 17/10/2018 21:00

Offer to meet her at the park or soft play or something saying it would be lovely to catch up with her over a brew whilst the kids play.

My kids are 6 and 9 and I’ve not had any round for play dates. I’ve done one small birthday tea for eldest’s 2 friends on her birthday. I’m not a hostess type person. I’m more than happy to meet people at parks, soft play, museums etc though.

piccolamammaagain · 17/10/2018 21:21

Personally I wouldn’t comply. If I felt that uncomfortable I’d trust my gut and avoid. The kids could maybe hang out as more of a group thing on neutral territory (like a local park) if you really wanted to be nice to the little girl (not her fault mum over steps the boundaries), but I again personally, wouldn’t bother.

OohIsThatAFlake · 17/10/2018 21:22

What is the correct thing to do if you host lots of play dates most including mealtimes, snacks, sleepovers, movie nights with treats etc and the parents NEVER invite your child back?

Snowymountainsalways · 17/10/2018 21:25

I wouldn't make a huge drama out of this, just say you would love to soon but are very busy at the moment and you will get back to her. Then never come back with a date. You can continue this forever.

Not worth falling out with her, but equally don't get drawn into being used, she sounds like a CF she almost certainly is a CF. Keep her firmly at arms length.

0ystercatcher · 17/10/2018 21:26

GDPR - why has your phone number and theirs been given out? Without your specific permission this is breaking the law. Just sayin’

Snowymountainsalways · 17/10/2018 21:26

I agree that if she was sincere about developing a friendship between the children she would have invited your dd over and not the other way around, she is running out of friends because she uses people is probably closer to the truth.

WickedGirl · 17/10/2018 21:29

Tell her that you’re having work done on your house so can’t host but you’re happy to go to a soft play/her house for a play date

Or tell her you charge for childcare on an hourly basis

AuFinch · 17/10/2018 21:29

I think you already know what you have to do.... the snubbing thing you mentioned tells you that she is not a friend you want..... rings a bell to me of a "user".

Dont be afraid to say NO when you dont want to do something. Its best to nip it in the bud before you end up childminding over a number of years! Let your own daughter decide if she wants to invite a friend round to play.

Deidre21 · 17/10/2018 21:37

Do not feel guilty for not being at work and therefore having your children after school. It’s no-ones business what you and your family do. Just because you are not working outside of the home doesn’t mean you must or should give up your and your childrens time to entertain others when you don’t want to. This person chooses when to greet you - that and the other behaviour says it all.

Fishforclues · 17/10/2018 21:42

Well done OP.

The rule is you invite others first, you don't issue requests. Even if you just want to see inside someone else's home, it's really not rocket science to invite their child over first. Don't give her any more headspace OP.

As an aside, I really hate the "let me get back to you with some dates..." and leaving you hanging approach. It's been used on me and it's a right bugger to have to explain to my autistic son. He doesn't understand why I can't chase multiple times.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 17/10/2018 21:43

Op you really need to address the issue of the list of all and every poor sod having their mobile numbers up for anyone to see!

I can imagine this CF taking a photo of the list with her phone and then going through all the numbers trying to fill the pattern of dates she wants to offload her DD.

chrismse · 17/10/2018 21:50

I just be blunt and say sorry havent invited a request for play dates so no

mollycoddle77 · 17/10/2018 22:00

Ok I see the list is a puzzle for many - it's a small community and all the parents have put their names, email addresses and numbers on a list and shared it round. To make communication re birthdays and play dates (!) etc easier. But it's organised by the parents and voluntary. I don't have a problem with that... but it sounds like it's not the done thing in the rest of the country!

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 17/10/2018 22:10

We have had the exact same system of opting into year group lists at 3 different schools my kids have attended. It isn't that uncommon.

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