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Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:
QuizzlyBear · 16/10/2018 13:50

I had similar when mine was that age. A quite cliquey mum approached me and asked if my son would like to come for tea after their shared activity. Before I'd managed to answer she said 'and let's get a date in the diary for mine to come to yours' and whipped out an actual diary! Followed up with 'my husband does the collecting so it would be until 7.30...'

We went ahead with it but I avoided her like the plague afterwards, especially as they weren't particularly friendly. The play date at theirs? About an hour. At ours? Four and a half hours... 

MissContrary · 16/10/2018 13:50

Ask if you can ditch the kids and go out just adults as you'd love to get to know her better Grin

Of course if she says yes you may be truly stuck with her forever

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/10/2018 13:51

As suggested by a pp, “Sorry, not able to host” is all you need say. I’d put a smiley emoji in just so it doesn’t come across too unfriendly. If it’s a small community you don’t want to upset her and make things awkward, just get the message across that you aren’t up for this arrangement.

Rhiannon13 · 16/10/2018 13:54

Are you sure she didn't get muddled and had actually meant to ask your DD to theirs? I do this kind of thing when I'm in a rush/ have brain fog.

HellenaHandbasket · 16/10/2018 13:54

Are your kids friends? I would just assume your daughter has asked her over, she's gone home and said this to her mum,nagged her and now she is textii to arrange?

Weathermonger · 16/10/2018 13:55

@Ovienna I didn't post, wasn't on MN at the time. No excuse for the second time, just my naivety to think she wouldn't have the cheek to pull the stunt twice. It took me a while but I did wise up eventually 😉

GinAndTings · 16/10/2018 13:56

Sorry for late reply. No I am afraid that doesn't suit us as we have got a few busy months ahead in our family. Hopefully another time. Take care.

Bye bitch!

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/10/2018 13:56

Just say no, you can do it Grin

reallyreallynow · 16/10/2018 13:57

She's deffo after childcare!

HollowTalk · 16/10/2018 14:04

Does she normally have childcare?

To be honest, I wouldn't want to text back to someone who blanks me. And if you don't reply, it's not as though she's going to speak to you about it, is it?

You could say, "I think you've sent this to the wrong number."

Kaleela · 16/10/2018 14:05

Sounds to me like she is looking for free childcare....

EdisonLightBulb · 16/10/2018 14:07

Can't you word the response to indicate that you are happy to participate as a reciprocal agreement. So, "Hey xxx, that sounds great. How about (my) DD comes to you one day during half term then I'll bring my diary and see what suits your DD to come to me"

She won't ever reply.

BeaTrewts · 16/10/2018 14:14

I'd be getting on to the school and telling them about their breach of data protection. They have no right to give out your telephone number to all and sundry.

AjasLipstick · 16/10/2018 14:15

OP I had a lot of this with my DD2 who is a very pleasant kid and has a lot of friends at school or at least some good mates and a lot of other kids who she's nice to.

As a result, I kept having random Mothers asking me for a lot of similar things. DD wouldn't be would be the Mums.

I took to saying "Ah we're slowing down heavily on the playdates as she needs a bit more downtime"

Roussette · 16/10/2018 14:38

I would answer this...

"??? I'm confused, I've asked my DD and she hasn't talked about having your DD to ours. Did you mean you're inviting my DD to your house?"

It's not rude. It shows her you've sussed her cheeky request out and you're no pushover. She won't reply

expatmigrant · 16/10/2018 14:40

I would just reply...hmmm no

doctorboo · 16/10/2018 14:40

I’m at SAHM and there’s a few mums at my boy’s school who send messages like this.
I’m a people pleaser and hate the thought of another adult being pissed off with me.

What I did was text back that we’re not doing after school play dates at the moment, but I’d let them know if things changed.
I said pretty much the same thing when collared in the playground.

One got a bit shirty, but hey ho!

Onynx · 16/10/2018 14:51

I'd ignore for now, if she follows up text back and say 'Sorry I assumed you had sent me that text in error as my DD has never mentioned a play date'. If she still persists go with any of the 'not convenient etc responses.

peardropexplodes · 16/10/2018 14:55

Maybe she is nosey and wants a snoop at your home Grin!

DancingForTheDog · 16/10/2018 14:56

If she works, she's sussing you out for possible free after school care. There have been a couple of AIBU's recently about parents like this. I got sucked into an awkward arrangement with a cf many years ago; started as "Hi 'Dancing', could Laura come to yours for a playdate next Wednesday?", progressed to "I'm stuck at work 'Dancing', could Laura possibly come to yours after school?" ended up Laura just got off the school bus and followed us home. I had changed my career and work hours so I could be home after school to care for MY kids, not someone else's!

The thing with brass necked CF's is they tend to have a hide as thick as a rhino and so are quite difficult to offend. Just say "Hi, Regarding play dates, I don't have a date when that would be convenient at the moment."

DeaflySilence · 16/10/2018 15:02

"Yes but @ProfessorMoody that's why she's asking me for dates, she has backed me into a corner.."

So do what theworldistoosmall suggested, and text:

"Oh, just re-read it. Thought you were inviting dd to yours."

Or you could simply text something like:

"Actually, I realise I can't do a playdate at home at all, for the meantime, sorry. Could we perhaps meet-up in the park with the girls after school, one day? We are free next Tuesday."

crochetmonkey74 · 16/10/2018 15:08

"Actually, I realise I can't do a playdate at home at all, for the meantime, sorry. Could we perhaps meet-up in the park with the girls after school, one day? We are free next Tuesday."*

I wouldn't do this- it's a great idea for a normal person but a CF might let you take both to the park, or miss pick up deliberately so you have to take her DD home!

showmewhatyougot · 16/10/2018 15:14

If you do find it hard to just say no, you can always say your in the middle of updating/decorating your home, so it's simply not currently fit for visitors ;)

FrogFairy · 16/10/2018 15:15

I think doctorboos reply that we are not doing after school play dates at the moment is perfect. Short, to the point and leaves no room for cheeky fuckery.

ShesABelter · 16/10/2018 15:25

I'd just reply "sorry, we have alot going on already with days out, play dates etc. So it doesn't suit us".

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