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Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 16/10/2018 12:15

She's a CF. She's not socially awkward or blah blah blah blah. She blanks you. She wants to use you for childcare. Grow a pair. Just tell her you have a lot on at the moment and are not doing play dates. Don't overthink it. You're not packed into a corner. Buck up. You're an adult. Just text her back, 'Sorry, not doing play dates at the moment due to having a lot on.' The fucking end. She's targeted you because CFers can smell a wet lettuce a mile away.


Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 12:17

The thing is op, you are too nice. I would say sorry very busy, and dd does not play with your dd. I would not care what she thinks. She is a CF angling for childcare.


Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 12:18

She knows you are a stay at home mum, so must have time to look after her child. Or say sorry too busy, dd does various activities after school.


mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 12:24

😂 a wet lettuce. That's so funny. And
not entirely untrue. I really do want to be able to just say no. When I think of her asking me for dates I do find that so presumptuous. So yeah that's not ok.

OP posts:

DerelictWreck · 16/10/2018 12:24

Hang on - completely depends on one thing. Is she asking you to:

  1. pick one of her dates, or

2. do all of them?

Number 1 is normal, number 2 is cheeky fucker

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 16/10/2018 12:24

I think you have the right approach - ask your dd if she would like to have the girl over (making sure she doesn't think she has to say yes to 'be nice'), and if she says an enthusiastic yes pick one date that suits you, within a limited timeframe (so after school on a school night, not 10am on a half-term day with no pick-up time arranged!). If she's not keen, text back 'sorry, doesn't really work for us at the moment, can we revisit after half term?' and wait for her to approach you again about it - chances are she won't.

I would also be interested to know what she's like with the other mums - if she's friendly/smily/chatty with them and distinctly different to you, of course, that's one thing, but maybe she struggles with all of them?


sugarbum · 16/10/2018 12:26

*Hang on - completely depends on one thing. Is she asking you to:

  1. pick one of her dates, or

2. do all of them?

Number 1 is normal, number 2 is cheeky fucker*

No, neither is 'normal'. You don't invite your child round to someone elses house. There are exceptions. Such as very good friends (which OP states is not the case) You certainly don't kindly offer them a choice of dates!

hibbledibble · 16/10/2018 12:26

Generally, yes, it is cheeky to invite yourself/your dc over.

Do you want her dc over for a playdate? If yes, then do so. If not, then don't! A vague 'sorry, we have a lot on at the moment'.


SeigneurLapindeGrantham · 16/10/2018 12:27

Definitely a CF, she's after free childcare.
You need to channel your inner Phoebe Buffay " I'd like to help but I don't want to"!


mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 12:29

She asked me to send her MY available dates, presumably so she can pick one that works for her.

OP posts:

StripyHorse · 16/10/2018 12:29

I would go part way, give her the benefit of the doubt and agree to a play date (as long as your DD likes her child) but not offer childcare.

Something like "Would be great for the girls to meet up for a play date. We're decorating at the moment (or other excuse of your choice) so how about we meet x date and take girls to softplay / park?" . Not shunning her if her intention is genuine, but getting out of the childcare element.


mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 12:31

I guess I would like to go with @LeftRightCentre, I think I need to stop feeling like I must be nice and approachable at all times.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 12:31

It is rude to invite your child to another person's house, you wait for an invitation, if your child wants a playdate with op child, you organise one yourself at your house, not ask op to host it. Very rude.


Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 12:32

I bet she has gone round all the parents on the list, asking for childcareplaydates. I would be miffed if your dd has not mentioned playing with her child.


ShalomJackie · 16/10/2018 12:34

Text back pretending you have misunderstood and say thanks DD would love to come to yours for a playdate when is best for you?


LexieLulu · 16/10/2018 12:36

Maybe text back saying I presume if I'm having your DD over this week you'll have my DD over next?

She prob won't text again


Jeezoh · 16/10/2018 12:36

Text back “sorry, I’ve got a lot on just now so not up to hosting but if your DD is keen to play with my DD, let me know what dates you’re free for her to come to you”


mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 12:36

@StripyHorse she definitely means for her Dd to come to my house, it's specifically mentioned, and it is clear she will not be there as well.

However I feel about the mum, her DD and my DD, I think it's wrong to ask me in this way considering we are not friends, in fact more like the opposite. So for my own sanity I think I need to say just no. Maybe I will invite her DD another time, but it needs to be on my terms.

OP posts:

BiscuitsAndGravy · 16/10/2018 12:36

I agree with pps that she's looking for free childcare. It's very odd to invite your child to someone else's house. Just tell her no, it doesn't work for you.


NoSquirrels · 16/10/2018 12:40

Social anxiety or no, it is cheeky to ask to send your child to someone else’s house unless you are A) paying for a childcare service or B) asking for a favour for a specific reason and upfront about it.


Bunnyfuller · 16/10/2018 12:41

'Sounds great, we're pretty swamped for a couple of months, but will have a look after then' And don't.

I'm someone who likes arranging things and asks for dates but I have plenty of friends who give vague news and take ages to come up with something, it's normal for busy mums (not control-freaky plan-a-holic me!)

I'm confused you're so anxious about saying no to her when she obviously doesn't want to be friends with you. Hope you don't think having the kid over will grow a friendship. It won't. I've been on the receiving end of this, and the playdate is never reciprocated. And then it comes to the other kids' birthday party and your DD isn't invited.......


itsausername · 16/10/2018 12:41

How about just asking her back? See what she says?

Hey. Thanks for thinking of dad; happy for dd to come over to yours if they want to get together after school. I can have your daughter over at mine in the future. Let me know some dates.


Potatogate · 16/10/2018 12:42

If you ask your DD and she is up for the play date, then how about ‘I’m sorry, I have a lot on at the moment but if our DDs are keen for a play date, then that would be lovely if you’re able to host. I should be in a position to reciprocate in a month or two. Let me know what dates work best for you.’


Flowerpot2005 · 16/10/2018 12:42


So i'd really piss her off & reply that it would be lovely to see her DD on a specified one off Saturday or Sunday morning at 9am. Pick up no later than 11am as you have a family meal to attend.


StripyHorse · 16/10/2018 12:46

OP I realised she wants the daughter to yours. I just meant that if her motivation is about the children playing together then it would leave that open whilst still saying you aren't open to being a free childminder.

No is also a good option though 😀

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