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Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:

DunkandEggAgain · 16/10/2018 11:48

Look, she is testing the waters here.

You feel yourself to be a soft touch, but SHE actually doesnt know that (yet).

So put a reply in, first time, no messing about, no frills or excuses, so that on her side when she reads that message, it would be absolutely clear to her that she'll need to move on in finding another sucker, because she won't be able to pull a fast one on you.

IF you don't, then she'll know she's "got" you.


Hissy · 16/10/2018 11:49

I agree, no excuse needed, she blanks you so just ignore

I GET that you are a nice person OP, but as PP say, you have 5 years of this shit if you allow her to treat you like this now.

I knew someone who was bitching about me behind my back but saccharine sweet to my face. I'd heard things she'd said, my own DS heard her bitching about me and told me.

So the next time I got the gushy hello in the playground, I told her that I don't do two-faced, but understood she did, and to absolutely crack on with it but leave me out of it.

You don't like this woman, she has some kind of problem with you, so there is no pay off from forcing a social situation between kids. Chances are her DD will be similar and your DD could get treated as badly as you are being.


Frogscotch7 · 16/10/2018 11:50

I’ve had the misfortune to deal with parents like this. Some people are just chancers. It’s utterly rude to invite your child to someone else’s house to play and is a sign of the type of parent you’re dealing with. Unfortunately in my case DC is great friends with their DC. I wouldn’t go asking your daughter, just reply:

“Sorry we are really busy at the moment. Maybe another time.”


sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 16/10/2018 11:51

Definitely a CF, who invites themselves to someone elses for a playdate? If you have to reply, say that you dont understand why the playdate can't be at hers if she's so keen on it? Maybe say you're having some work done on your place and can't have kids over? Or something similar?


1wokeuplikethis · 16/10/2018 11:52

It seems an odd way to word a message, if the mum isn't a cf then maybe she is socially awkward/inept. Maybe her frostiness is resting bitch face (I'm a fellow sufferer). As you will potentially be bumping into her at school/parties/round the village for several more years to come I don't think you'll be doing yourself any favours by blocking her. If you're suspicious then yeah don't reply and feign confusion/business if she asks again.

Definitely find out if your daughter is chummy with her daughter as she might be delighted to have the friend round. Maybe you could suggest to the other mum taking the children somewhere together for a couple of hours: park, softplay or whatever then it's not all on you and you can go whenever you want and get a feel for this woman.

But someone will be along soon to argue that that is opening a pandoras box of looming childcare for the next 7 years.

But I always try and think the best of people.


ReadMyLipss · 16/10/2018 11:52

I would deliberately misunderstand and reply by saying, 'It's lovely that your daughter really wants to play with mine so why don't you let me know when you're free to have them over at yours and I'll send her round'.

Of course, chances are that she'll know exactly what you're doing, but with a CF like this do you really care? She'll never know for sure though that you didn't genuinely misunderstand her text.


GingerSwan · 16/10/2018 11:54

One sentence answer “I’ll ask DD and see what she says” ...then never reply again

(Unless DD really wants to then fair enough)


MorningsEleven · 16/10/2018 11:54

How about you just don't reply to her? Ever.


eddielizzard · 16/10/2018 11:57

If your DD wants her to come round I'd go along with it. If not, I'd say 'sorry, DD isn't keen on the idea. Thanks for asking tho'. And leave it at that. If she does come round, make sure the next one is at CF's house, otherwise it's a 'no'.


Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 11:58

Very cheeky, you wait to be invited. Say no worry I am very busy. Leave it at that.


NEScribe · 16/10/2018 11:59

I am tempted to agree with those who suggest she may be socially awkward. How is she with other mums? If you have seen her "snub" the others too then it may be incredible awkwardness and she feels safe asking by text instead.
Or could it be that she is overwhelmed and needs some time without her dd for sanity? Do you know if she has a family network etc?

If you don't think it could be for one of these reasons, then I agree with the advice suggesting you will look at dates ... but then never actually offer any.

It's important that she doesn't just take advantage. Years ago, I texted all mums in summer holidays saying I thought it would help busy mums if we each hosted the kids for a day each week. I gave my date - everyone accepted and I had 6 children (told them to bring packed lunch).
It could have worked so well ... but I'm sure you've guessed the ending. No-one reciprocated and one cheeky so-and-so texted the following weekend asking if I was having them all again the next week :)


themuttsnutts · 16/10/2018 11:59

You're too nice and overthinking this. She has probably asked loads of people and it won't kill her if you say no. Anyway, it's not your problem and that's what childcare is for. Whether you're not genuinely busy is by the by. You have a right to say no if you don't fancy it


PurpleTrilby · 16/10/2018 11:59

Off topic maybe, but did everyone give their express permission for this list with all the parents' phone numbers on it? Data protection laws don't allow for sharing that kind of information as a default, it has to be agreed with each individual how it is stored and possibly shared. I wouldn't allow that, my number is private.


SandAndSea · 16/10/2018 12:02

Given the snubbing and the weird twisting of social rules, how about replying:

Sorry, we have a lot on at the moment. Hopefully, we can sort something out another time.

If there's any comeback, simply reply, "Sorry, no, that doesn't work for me." And repeat.

I'd be very tempted to add a light-hearted reference to not having invited her, "Haha! Isn't it normal to wait to be invited? ;) " But that's up to you.

I think it's important you let her know that you have boundaries now.


EK36 · 16/10/2018 12:02

I've had this before with one school mum. At first I was weak and allowed it to happen a few times. But my eldest daughter mentioned how rude it was to invite themselves over to ours! She was right and I felt bad because I knew that I was being quite spineless. I decided to be assertive for the next time. I ended up replying every single time, "Hi we're busy at the moment so maybe during the holidays. I will let you know." When she did remember to text me reminding me of this during the holidays, I would just ignore it for a few days. When I did get around to replying, "sorry we re busy this week, hope you re having a lovely holiday." I feel great now and she has stopped asking!


mumsastudent · 16/10/2018 12:02

say those dates wont work how about (if your child wants to play with her!) another date? bet you she working down the list - I am a bit surprised that the phone list of everybody is given to all the parents


tolerable · 16/10/2018 12:03

You could just say we;re pretty busy most nights after school-would be nice to have you both round tho( cos who sends a 6yr old to a strangers house???)if you give me an idea of when you can come i'll fit it into schedule.look forward to seeing you ;).


FindaPenny · 16/10/2018 12:03

I would just say

'Thanks for the message... had no idea the girls were after a play date, Jane hasn't mentioned anything. Things are a bit full on at the moment, will let you know if we are free one day.... This time of year is soo busy 😭 xxx

Some sort of emoji to finish the message

Friendly but giving a pretty big hint you aren't interested.... Think she would go back to ignoring you when she sees you aren't a pushover.....if she is thick skinned enough to ask you in person, I would say more or less the same thing and say you will tx her if a day becomes free


BeenThereDone · 16/10/2018 12:03

Oh ffs ladies you didn't need to give her an excuse.... U don't need to justify Anything to this CF. Sorry no, doesn't work for me is enough..

If she asks again just ignore or repeat.


Oliphantintheroom · 16/10/2018 12:04

I know a mum like this,would constantly ask me for help with childcare, our dds are friends, live in the same street.
I did help her out a few times taking and picking the kids up when she had to work on etc, each time they would turn up earlier and earlier or she would come home later so I said no more.

She was the same as in she would just ignore me randomly so I started ignoring her too and she was fuming but it was quite comical for me to see her so perplexed, apparently she has form for it and has annoyed lots of other parents


crochetmonkey74 · 16/10/2018 12:05

Stick up for yourself!

Just text back something like 'not committing to anything after school at the mo sorry' or 'that doesn't work for us sorry'

People are not entitled to your time, and they don't need reasons or explanations for what you are doing instead of fitting them in either- especially when they are acquaintances not even friends!


Oliphantintheroom · 16/10/2018 12:06

I would not even entertain her with a ‘will get back to you’ because she sounds the type that can’t take a hint and will hound you.


Chutneyorchids · 16/10/2018 12:09

Even if your DD does want her to come over you need to be assertive now or else you will become free childcare until the kids are 18.

People don't need to know your business. I take my DC out after school or we plan crafting stuff at home. When people realise this they are a bit put out but I don't know why?

I put off another mum by saying were hoping to try new activities so can I get back to her. It's been 10 months but she got the hint.


PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2018 12:12

I think pretending you’ve misunderstood could backfire as CF mum will just reply: “No, I meant my DD should come to yours.” And the CF-ery will continue.

Just text a vague: “Sorry but we aren’t able to host.” And then keep repeating.


crochetmonkey74 · 16/10/2018 12:12

When people realise this they are a bit put out but I don't know why?

I am so shocked at this Chutney
Why would they imagine they had any opinion to give on what another family does? That's so bonkers and rude!!!

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