Is this CF behaviour or..?
mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49
I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!
Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.
What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?
Cornishclio · 16/10/2018 12:49
Yes I think she is being a CF. Normally it is up to the invitee to instigate playdates not someone invite themselves (or their DC) to someone's house. I would go with "I will check with DD and see what she thinks" then not get back to her. Even more so if she is one of those people who blows hot and cold only acknowledging you when they want something. I would refuse to be taken advantage of by people like that so even if your DD did want to foster a friendship with her DC I would leave it for a while to see if mums attitude improves. I cannot do with people who ignore you one minute and then act like your BF the next. Users mostly.
janejane2 · 16/10/2018 12:59
I feel like this was the kind of cf-ery my mother did a lot when I was younger. We were forever at someone else's after school who wasn't really a friend but they said yes so!
I think these kind of 'friendships' can be quite stressful for the children and so yeah, maybe casually ask your dc who they are really friendly with at the moment, mention you might arrange some play dates over the next few months and who would be her choices?
Rather than asking for a yes or no of one child!
Take it from there. Definitely put your foot down with this women if the playdate goes ahead. Some suggestions from PP like a playdate with both mums on mutual territory etc.
Update us if you can!
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/10/2018 13:05
I'm going to suggest an alternative reason for her behaviour, but I'll probably be shot down - she might not be a CF, she might just be socially awkward or suffer from anxiety and extreme shyness. She might not be "snubbing" you, as such, she might be trying to avoid talking to anyway. Unless she's very chatty and pally with other mums, in which case of course I'm completely wrong!
But if she has anxiety, social awkwardness etc., that might also be why she's suggested her DD coming to yours - she might not be able to handle having your DD at hers.
Again though, entirely dependent on how she is with other mums and kids. If she has other children to her house, then I'm wrong.
Just wanted to offer it as an alternative scenario though.
Jux · 16/10/2018 13:09
You CAN ignore the text altogether. There are a million perfectly normal reasons why you might have missed it. There's also no need to try to explain how or why you might have missed it. If your dd's not eager for this playdate, is not bouncing dor joy over it, if there's no one she'd rather have a playdate with, then just completely ignore it. Honestly, you can.
Otherwise give her a choice of one date which isn't on her list and if she insists on the list you are perfectly able to reply "oh, shame" rather than facilitate.
I wonder if she's the type where you say pick up at 6 and she doesn't turn up until 7:30.
mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 13:16
I have much trouble reading her, she may have some form of social anxiety but then again it does not appear to be the case with everyone. I guess that's why I'm confused, is she a CF or just somewhat awkward and unaware of social norms. But I am thinking the bottom line is that it is not ok to invite yourself or your children to other people's houses so I will have to say just no.
DidIEatThat · 16/10/2018 13:25
Depending on how it was phrased is it just she doesn't want a long extended conversation?
So she asks if you'd like to have her DD round, and then you say that's be lovely and 5 texts later you still haven't actually agreed on a date iyswim.
Rather she's saying do you want DD round, if so yes. And then you go: that would be lovely we can do x or y date and time. Or you tactfully or not decline saying it doesn't work for you, or that this next month or two isn't good.
Then just one text later she can say, that sounds good / I can't make that date or that's a shame how about she comes over to me?
Little rude to ask for an invite but you don't get anywhere without asking.
Whitecurrants · 16/10/2018 13:26
I agree with those suggesting she may be socially awkward. Her daughter may even have told her that yours wants a play date - one never knows with 6 year olds. I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt just once, what's the worst that can happen? I've ended up with a couple of friends who initially seemed stand-offish, one was shy and awkward and the other turned out to be slightly deaf.
Hissy · 16/10/2018 13:30
Mate, you are making this into FAR to big a deal!
Just LEAVE IT and don't reply
IF she has the nerve to stop blanking you for long enough to ask you, just reply that you either didn't get/see the text or that you saw it and thought it had been sent to you by mistake.
Was the text specific to you/your DD? could she have sent this out to a batch of mums?
Weathermonger · 16/10/2018 13:34
A mum of my son's friend caught me out by calling and asking if my son was free on a certain weekend for a play date. When I said yes, she followed up with "great I will drop so&so off at 10". I was so gobsmacked, I didn't argue. We were stuck with the (not so nice kid) for 12 hours. I'm ashamed to say she pulled than stunt on me twice. My son was always busy after that. Don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with, it just opens the door for her to take advantage of you more.
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 16/10/2018 13:36
I know this mum!!!
(Well we have the same cheeky fucker mums around anyway!)
She blanked me in reception. Literally crossed the street rather than say hello. Then her kid became obsessed with mine. She started sniffing around and invited herself around for a play date (it was horrific so not ever repeated)
She sends texts to other mums with - oooh my dc would really love to have a play date with your dc. At your house. Is Tuesday ok?
Or she sends texts asking mums she barely knows to pick up her dc after clubs etc with the promise of taking turns but it never happens.
Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.
OVienna · 16/10/2018 13:38
If you're DD is keen: "It's not convenient to host after school playdates at ours at the moment as we have other commitments. Sorry! If a weekend works for you, perhaps we could arrange to meet at a XXX? Alternatively, of course DD could come to yours."
This is perfectly polite. If you are worried about being in a small community etc etc which I can understand (it's very easy for others to poo poo this) no one could possibly object to that message. It will soon become clear if she's looking for childcare.
If you're DD is surprised at the request then just say you've got other commitments now but you'll revisit in a couple of months...and don't.
let us know what happens!
HeebieJeebies456 · 16/10/2018 13:44
So I think what I'll do is ask DD today
Don't involve your dd in this cheekkyfuckery, it isn't fair to allow her to be manipulated.
I really do want to be able to just say no. When I think of her asking me for dates I do find that so presumptuous
She's also rude and belittling you at the same time.
canyouhearthedrums · 16/10/2018 13:45
We had a mum like this in dd's class when they were in Y1. She was an only child, lonely and the mother was extremely controlling. She would invite herself for a play date, stay with her child but then dictate the whole time what was to happen and make you feel like a guest in your own home. Her dd wanted to play with others but the mum just couldn't let her get on with it. She was very persistent and all the other school mums avoided her in the end. She moved school and told one of the new school mums that the old school mums all had MH issues!
MajesticWhine · 16/10/2018 13:47
I am against the flow here but I would just arrange the play date and not overthink it. What's the worst that could happen? They don't have a good time and it is never repeated?. You never know, things might thaw with the Mum and your DD might enjoy it. If she kept asking for you to host every week then no, but it's just one play date.
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