Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


Is this CF behaviour or..?

283 replies

mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 10:49

I have read Aibu threads for years now and finally have an issue myself which I would genuinely like to hear the MNetters views on!

Basically one of the mum's in my DD's class has texted me to ask if her DD can come to our house to play, and in the same message asking me to send her some available dates. - is this normal behaviour? I thought you waited to be invited... I feel really put on the spot and sort of forced to chirp back 'yeah sure that would be lovely!' But that's not how I feel. I don't mind her DD, but my DD has not asked to see her after school (they are 6), and it just wouldn't occur to me to invite her otherwise. There is also a bit of backstory with this particular mum, in that she has always snubbed me when she can get away with it, pretending not to see me, walking past me without a hello etc. Just a bit of frostiness since day 1. So I now feel slightly manipulated into inviting her DD and where I might have otherwise not minded going along with it, I feel a bit resentful.

What do the rest of you think? Be nice and invite her DD? It's not a big deal (especially if it wasn't for how I feel about her mum). Or if not, what do I write back?

OP posts:

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 16/10/2018 11:22

The mum might have texted a lot more parents on that list in the hopes that between you all she can coordinate some childcare. If her standoffishness is just shyness or whatever surely she wouldn't have the balls to text an acquaintance inviting herself over?


Billben · 16/10/2018 11:22

Your DD is only 6. Unless you set this woman straight now by whatever means, you’ll have to endure her CF behaviour for the next 5 years.

She wants free childcare. If you send her more than one date as available she’ll just know when she can plan things for herself because she’ll be offloading her DD on you.
Ignore. If she is enough of a CF to contact you again then tell her no can do.


FlowThroughIt · 16/10/2018 11:22

She's looking for free childcare. Don't end up like this other MNer did:


bertielab · 16/10/2018 11:22

Data protection means no one should have your number without your written consent.

I'd ignore -if you get another text -delay then write sorry really busy. You can be busy relaxing and having time with you family.


mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 11:23

@Fluffyears 😂

OP posts:

BumsexAtTheBingo · 16/10/2018 11:24

I reckon she’s hoping you’ll offer up a days half term childcare.


almondfinger · 16/10/2018 11:24

Ask your daughter if she is particularly friendly with the other woman's daughter after school and go from there.

You could ignore the text and if asked say you never got it.

Don't say you are busy at the moment and will get back to her after half term or give her any other openings. A CF will keep going till they get what they want.

She doesn't know you or your routine so if you feel like you want to reply and close the situation down, text back - We have so much going on after school at the moment that we don't have any free dates, Regards Mollycoddle77

She doesn't know any differently. It's not like it's going to change how she interacts with you.


7salmonswimming · 16/10/2018 11:27

I think it’s very off to tell someone repeatedly “sure, let me get back to you” when you have no intention of ever doing so. It’s wimpish, an outright lie, deliberately rude (two wrongs don’t make a right) and unkind to the other girl whose mum will string her along because she’s being strung along. Totally unnecessary.

If you don’t want to do it, just reply “not great timing for us at the moment, but thanks for thinking of DD”. Leave it at that.


AncoraAmarena · 16/10/2018 11:27

At my children's junior school we had a directory with the parent's contact details - you submitted your telephone number etc if you were happy to be included. If you didn't then you weren't added. Not a data protection issue in sight and I imagine it's similar for the OP.

Irrelevant as to why anyway. OP I would either ignore or just reply that you're busy for the next few months after school and will let her know if the situation changes. She;'s definitely being a CF.


Justmuddlingalong · 16/10/2018 11:31

You don't want the child to come over. Your DD doesn't want the child to come over. The CF does. You're getting yourself into a pickle about something that hasn't happened. It's not a big deal to ignore the whole situation. If she's a genuine CF, she'll move on to someone else quickly, so stand firm.


Kahlua4me · 16/10/2018 11:32

Think maybe I would reply with “I am sure dd would love to come to yours for a play date, let me check our diary and get back to you. Thank you 😊”.

Then it is up to her to clarify that she wants you to have her dd...


WhyDontYouListen · 16/10/2018 11:32

I think in the absence of any other obvious cf-ery i would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a clumsy social attempt. Not sure i would want a strange 6 year old to play without their mum present, so either invite them both round for a coffee/short play date or arrange to meet in the park.


Mookatron · 16/10/2018 11:32

Can you pretend you misunderstood? 'Thanks for inviting Griselda, I've asked her and she'd love to come! These dates are good, blah blah, shall I tell school you'll collect?'


SistersOfPercy · 16/10/2018 11:33

Ignore it.
'What text message?' with a confused face would be my response should she ever be cheeky enough to ask you.


YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 16/10/2018 11:33

I'm not working at the moment. My eldest is 6 and I have 2 younger DC. My answer leading up to half term is "oh that sounds nice but DD really needs some downtime and time with her siblings". It's true and also gets me out of childcare.


BrokenWing · 16/10/2018 11:34

Assume she is inviting your dd to hers as normal people would and reply - thanks for the invite, will you pick her up from school or will I drop her round at yours? let me know what time suits you and your address and I'll work out if any dates suit.

When she replies to say no its for her dd to come to yours, then say sorry, must have skim read, didn't expect someone to actually invite themselves to mine Shock lol. i'll let you know if it suits.


DunkandEggAgain · 16/10/2018 11:34

There is an easy answer! Confused

You aren't available for playmates for the foreseeable future.

NOT that it's ANYONE'S business but it could be because:
You have a hidden illness
You are a carer
You study online
You are working at improving craft hobbies for the intent to sell professionally.
You could suffer daily migraines
You work from home
You are a sex worker
You are a big pimp daddy
You run an illegal casino from your shed
You hand craft butt plugs from a spinning wheel and clay
You practice sword swallowing and suspend yourself from hooks dangling from the ceiling
No one's business when your doors are shut behind you or what you do once your child is at school.


TheBigFatMermaid · 16/10/2018 11:37

'I tend to be led by DD in her playdates, and she has not asked to have XXXX round, sorry, cannot accommodate'.


Fairenuff · 16/10/2018 11:38

Just reply, dd hasn't asked to have anyone over. It's honest, direct and avoids commitment.


LexieLulu · 16/10/2018 11:40

I'd text back saying something like

Although I am at home, I do like the freedom of having no plans as that I can do things with my children when weather is nice.

So I am not able to prebook play dates. But if my children are ever wanting your child round for tea I will text you the day before.


LexieLulu · 16/10/2018 11:41

Then obviously, never text her the day before


mollycoddle77 · 16/10/2018 11:42

Haha you're making me laugh. I could be doing some of those things when they're in school, but the play date would be after school. I just cannot lie and pretend I think she is asking my DD over - there is NO ambiguity in her message that it's for hers to come to mine. I now agree actually that it's also wrong to string along. So I think what I'll do is ask DD today, if she is less than enthusiastic I will respond back that now is just not a good time. I can then text her another time of MY choice and invite her DD. Which gets me out of the situation where I feel she has forced me to say yes. I haven't said earlier but the two girls do play together in school and in the park, it's just that there are other girls my DD plays with more.

OP posts:

RTFT · 16/10/2018 11:42

You need to respond though otherwise she might just turn up. Just a simple "it's not possible at the moment, I have other commitments". You don't need to tell her anything else, if she persists just say "I've already said I'm unable to do this, please stop asking".


ReadMyLipss · 16/10/2018 11:45

probably texted a whole load of mums asking. Then she will book her commitments round what dates are planned

Totally agree with this. I really don't agree with all the 'socially awkward' comments though, because If she's genuine and her daughter really wanted to play with your daughter then she would have been the one to do the inviting over to HER house.

I would ignore her in the first instance, and if she persisted then I'd put the onus on her to host.


RTFT · 16/10/2018 11:47

You do realise if you do it once, it will never be a one off

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?