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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 15/10/2018 21:26

Her excuse was she was really independent at that age ( 11)

Not that independent if she can't even cook at 24. Before I read that, I thought my 13 year old DD would do a better job. I know she could. She can cook well, even cooking 4 different meals, as we are a fussy lot, she would be pleasant to the children at all times and would probably fuss over a poorly child too much!

AjasLipstick · 15/10/2018 21:26

Speak to her agency. Her paperwork is NOT your problem. You don't have to have her in your home.

I'd have sacked her the day she left my ill child alone.

What the hell are you doing? Hmm

scepticalwoman · 15/10/2018 21:29

Give her notice now OP. Tell her that she needs to leave at the weekend - be prepared to pay her (maybe until the end of the month?) so that she can afford accommodation.
We had au pairs for years - and it can be brilliant - met up with one French one recently when she, her husband and two children were on holiday in the UK - 20 years after she lived with us and I'm till in touch with another one. But one, we got rid of after 6 weeks - the children were unhappy - and they were right to be. It will be horrible and you will feel guilty - but your children are your priority so needs must!

OftenHangry · 15/10/2018 21:31

Fire her. If she needs to fly home there is an emergency document option.
Simple as that. I was an aupair and I would never dared to leave a kid alone.
Though I don't understand why is she an au pair when her English is excellent? It's meant for people to come and learn English and be in a safe family environment while doing that.

Amaaboutthis · 15/10/2018 21:32

For reliable childcare, I think that you need a nanny rather than an aupair.

The child she’s meant to be watching is 11 years old not 11 months old. Asking an aupair to stay a few hours with an 11 year old with a virus is more than appropriate. Being home to supervise school age children, stick some washing on and to cook some meals and keep the children from spending all hours on the Xbox is exactly what an aupair job is

OP, get rid

Katedotness1963 · 15/10/2018 21:33

If someone being paid to look after my child buggered off and left them for two hours, when they were ill, their feet wouldn’t touch the ground. I’d have told her to pack, find somewhere else to go, and enjoy her long walks.

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 21:37

You’re right all of you. I need to stop procrastinating. It’s ridiculous having someone who is effectively being paid to be a moody lodger who doesn’t give a shit about my kids. The jobs I’m able or willing to give her are just getting less and less so it’s just not working: she can’t be given simple meals to prepare, can’t do school pick ups and can’t be trusted to look after them . She’s gone to bed now so I will speak to her in the morning. Thank you all for the advice. V helpful indeed Smile

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/10/2018 21:39

If your husband thinks that she's doing ok then let him feel the weight of responsibility that she's foisting on you when she should be helping.

He should actually be taking your word for it, you're the one who has spent time with her, seen the interaction with your children. He needs to support your disquiet and resolution, not challenge you when he has no knowledge.

I could probably put up with all of the misgivings (for a week or so) but as soon as my child would be ringing me in tears, that would be it.

You and your husband, together, need to work out the termination terms and then tell her - together.

SophoclesTheFox · 15/10/2018 21:40

YADNBU, op. It will be unpleasant, but I'm afraid you have to give her the boot. Good luck!

Godowneasy · 15/10/2018 21:46

I'd have been livid that she left my child for 2 hours when she was supposed to be in charge of them. That's negligent and I would have sacked her on the spot!

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 21:51

My son was just talking about it earlier and apparently she said “ you don’t mind if I go out do you?” He said hecthought she meant just for five mins. He said ok. But still... what was he going to say? You can’t put an ill child in that position can you?

OP posts:
acivilcontract · 15/10/2018 21:53

OP in your position I would be cursing my bad luck but saying to myself "contract you have to put your big girl pants on and sort this mess out." Once she is gone you can find a better fit for your family and move on.

Compoteandcustard · 15/10/2018 22:10

I could have written this a couple of months ago. We had an au pair who screamed at our 5 yo when she tried to hold her hand because 'I don't like to be touched'. She would leave her dirty dishes in the kitchen and was ALWAYS on her phone, as in the school and a number of mums at the school gate approached me because she didn't even look up when she picked the children up. When I put my foot down and said no electronics at the family dinner table I caught her hiding it under the table so she could still play. She also wouldn't say hello or goodbye when she came in/went out so we never knew it she was in the house. I must have missed my train five or six times over two months because she just didn't want to come and help in the morning. I sat with her three times over the two months she was with her and went through her contract, which listed her duties. I said we wanted the arrangements to work for her as well and asked if she had any concerns or duties she didn't like, she said that they were all fine but she just wouldn't do them (we don't expect much things like helping the children put dishes in the dish washer and turning it on, warming and serving the food I pre-prep, supervising and helping the kids tidy up at the end of the day) with the helping the kids tidy up I caught her kicking their toys into a corner 4 times, that was the only tidying she did while here. She would blow dry her hair with her bedroom door open at 1am. Basically she didn't want to be here, I discovered later her parents had agreed to her coming over if she went into a home environment rather than a flat share, she was 25 and a native English speaker. When my daughter was ill I took the day off but she still made a point of loudly saying she was not going to look after her, (ie check on her occasionally while she napped on the sofa and read or watched TV) despite that being the second item on her contract duties. In the end the straw that broke the camels back was that we discovered she was getting the kids home from school and hiding in her room or the garage for 3 hours to play on her phone. When we found out my son, 10, said 'don't worry Mummy I look after the girls (8&4).' Before finding this out everyone was saying we should fire her but I feel that as a host mum I have a responsibility to the young person who has come a long way to spend time with us. However in the end it was about the welfare of the children. I felt sick about speaking with her but as we had spoken with her a number of times saying that she needed to let us know if she was unhappy with any duties or had any concerns about her role I just started by refering to these conversations. I said that the welfare of the children was our primary concern and said we just didn't feel that she wanted to be with us. She had two trips planned so I said she could use us as a base (about 4 weeks but only 4 or 5 days when she was actually with us) and then I would help her find a new place to live and a new job (NOT as an au pair). Which we did.

It was such a relief to just say this isn't working. This is your home and family after all, there needs to be a degree of compatibility. We now have an amazing au pair who I keep having to say it is ok I can take this as she is so keen to help out. All the best. x

OVienna · 15/10/2018 22:29

A 25 year old. Wow. Her parents thanked their lucky stars when you turned up to take over.

unfortunateevents · 15/10/2018 22:37

What "papers" has she lost and why does she need them to go home? Has she lost her passport? I would be phoning her consulate to verify that claim, no application for emergency travel documents is going to take a month for an appointment!

Notverygrownup · 15/10/2018 22:42

Op, do you know that there is an Au Pair section on MN, under Childcare? Lots of advice and experience there from other host mums.

Hope that you get this sorted promptly. Sounds awful for your kids.

Jb291 · 15/10/2018 22:47

Get rid of her OP. You clearly cannot trust her to look after your children. It was grossly negligent of her to leave a sick child unattended. Her travel or paperwork issues are not your problem. Her appalling attitude and clear indifference to your family are unacceptable and warrant sacking on the spot.

BewareOfDragons · 15/10/2018 23:01

She's 'lost' her travel documents.

Bullshit.

And not your problem even if she did.

She's a grown up. Tell her to pack her bags and call her parents then.

Cheby · 15/10/2018 23:14

Sack her already OP. She is taking the piss.

Aroundtheworldandback · 15/10/2018 23:21

I’ve had lots of au pairs and this one very clearly needs to go. The longer you leave it the more you’ll regret it.

blueshoes · 15/10/2018 23:26

Just change the wifi code anyway. That should do it.

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 23:27

I asked her what happened to her papers. She says her identity card was stolen and she used it to travel instead of a passport. DH bit concerned about me saying anything whilst he’s away. Suggests I wait till he returns. Just incase she ends up being a loose cannon.

OP posts:
Kattyy · 15/10/2018 23:29

Do you really need to ask? I read half of your post and thought YWBU for NOT firing her. Your first and foremost loyalty is to your children not to the hired help.

HannahnotAgnes · 15/10/2018 23:32

Just tell her tomorrow it's not working & she needs to leave. It's your house - you or your poor DCs shouldn't feel as you do. Good luck.

SilentIsla · 15/10/2018 23:32

Get rid.

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