What to do with aupair

[Whattheactualheck]

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

[JBob5]

Agreed - get rid. And I don’t think people need to be arguing semantics between au pair and nanny - the OP sent her/went through her duties (I.e. a job spec) and that’s what she signed up for. If she’s not doing those things then she’s not doing her job...

[sonjadog]

She doesn't really do anything an aupair is meant to, does she? So you are in fact just paying her to live in your house. I would find myself a new aupair, if I were you.

[TruelyTruelyScrumptious]

For crying out loud is it not beyond the wit of a 24 year old woman to make more than pasta for children.

What on earth does that have to do with my comment about an au pair not being full time childcare?

You seem to have a bee in your bonnet about something.

[YearOfYouRemember]

She doesn't deserve another chance. She had that. Left the sick child. Didn't answer her phone. Chances used up. She needs to go.

FWIW I was an au pair and looked after the child all the time in the holidays and when she was ill neither parent stayed home.

[Whattheactualheck]

Thanks all. Harshbut I’m not actually whinging at all about her going out! Maybe you read it in that tone. I think it’s great that she has a social life as it’s important for her plus I hoped she’d be feeling more positive about her role after weekend breaks ( which she is absolutely entitled to). When I was an aupair I did everything cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing and sole childcare. I think I had two days off in the entire time I was there as there was always a family crisis of sorts. I didn’t want her to feel like I did. Re cooking I’ve never asked her to cook for me and my husband. Only once for the kids and it was pasta which ch was too hard. I just don’t think she cares. Yes you are all right she needs to go. My husband feels it’s a bit of a mean thing to do sending her home but he’s not seeing all this first hand. This is why I was unsure. She apologised about leaving my boy and said kids are more independent where she’s from and she had no idea. Trouble is she puts herself first

[Orchiddingme]

Au Pairs are supposed to do some childcare, aren't they? Isn't that their role? Not lots of sole care of under 2's, but school age kids for a couple of hours a day or for drop offs and pick ups is surely actually what their job is about, otherwise why have them at all? It costs money to feed, pay bills, pay for gym, transport and their weekly wage (which isn't a lot but it isn't nothing to find a few £100 a month). Why would you do all that to have someone occupying a bedroom if they didn't actually do some work of some type?

[CupMug]

harshbuttrue1980
You whinge a couple of times about her going out at the weekend and having a good social life. You have no right to moan about this - she is someone who is doing very part-time work for pocket money pay. She is entitled to enjoy her time off, as that is what being an au pair is about from her perspective

I disagree, the OP wasn’t whinging about the OP going out at the weekend though, in fact she said she was glad she was having fun. I thought she mentioned it to illustrate that the OP didn’t want to be part of the family.

[CupMug]

Xpost with the OP. Saying the same th8ng 😊

[Whattheactualheck]

This has made me realise the truth is I hate confrontation. I need to steel myself and do this. Plus my husband has made me think I was maybe being unreasonable

[Rudgie47]

Just tell her its not working out and help her book her flight now for tomorrow preferably. You don't want her hanging round after shes been finished.

[ThistleAmore]

'Kin hell!

Times have changed...I worked as a weird combination of 'family help'/housekeeper/PA/researcher/cook/driver for an English family for six months when I was 17 and barely out of school, on a small Spanish island about 20 years ago.

My day started at around 6.30am, when I got up to see to the six-year-old Spawn of Satan (no, really, he was), cooked breakfast for the family, served it on the terrace, then worked from 9am-4pm for the father, who was an Oxford academic.

I then went shopping, came home, prepared and served dinner for 7.30pm, cleared up and my day was technically over (unless the Spawn of Satan woke me up during the night, as was his wont, because his parents paid no attention to him). In between times, I cleaned the house, tidied the terraces (fortunately, there was a gardener, so I didn't have to do that) and dealt with visitors.

I didn't have days off per se, but if ever the family had 'company', I was expected to serve drinks and nibbles and then bugger off (unless anybody needed lifted and/or laid before or after, in which case I had to drive, which meant I might be hanging around 'til 1am or so.

Looking back now, it was tantamount to slave labour, and you'd NEVER get away with doing that to somebody now. For what it's worth, they were utterly toxic - like something out of Brideshead Revisited - and I actually took quite a lot of joy in discovering, some years later, that he had lost his post at Oxford for 'complicated reasons'.

Anyway, apologies for the derailment, but your AP isn't doing even the bare minimum (at 24! I thought she was 17/18, first time away form home etc). Get shot and to hell with second chances.

[sparklepops123]

She's brazen enough, it's your home and kids - give it back, two fold

[lalalalyra]

She left your child home alone. It doesn't even matter about the rest of it. That is enough. you can't trust her to look after your kids so there is zero point in her being there.

[makingmammaries]

Did she come via an agency or some kind of personal arrangement? Because an agency won’t send her home - it will try to find her another placement.

If you plan to sack her, you need another adult present. Reclaim her keys, give her an hour to pack, and drive her to wherever the agency advises.

[Whattheactualheck]

Problem is she’s claiming she’s lost her travel documents and needs to wait till November to get it sorted via the appropriate channels in London . First available appointment apparently. No agency through well known aupair website

[acivilcontract]

Lucky she has friends to stay with in the next town. I would have sacked her for gross misconduct when she left a sick 11 year old by themselves for two hours. She is 24 and old enough to take responsibility for her own things. It sounds like she is doing a complete number on you OP. She can make an emergency visit to her embassy for paperwork if she is homeless, jobless and needs to return her birth country.

[adoggymama]

F I R E H E R.

[Whattheactualheck]

Her excuse was she was really independent at that age ( 11)

[picklepost]

Please don't delay any longer. Your children are entitled to feel safe and happy in their home. Why would you even question this!

[greendale17]

OP stop making excuses and just fire her

[OVienna]

What acivilcontract said.

I doubt the story about the docs is true but also she can get an emergency appt.

You can just say: I'm sorry but I am afraid we need someone more experienced.

She left your sick child alone for 2 hrs. She's 24 not an 18 year old school leaver.

[Bobaboutwhat]

I don’t know why someone thought It was insinuated that an au pair replaces a qualified childminder - it’s irrelevant really anyway to the context of this thread! If the OP asked her to stay with her child, she should have stayed with her child!

[Motoko]

Look, if you can't fire someone you've employed, then don't employ people.

You should have fired her when she left your child alone and was uncontactable. Stop procrastinating and just do it. She obviously has friends, she can stay with them until she sorts out her papers (if that's even true, which I doubt very much).

[friskybivalves]

If she is 24 can't she get some bar work or similar to tide her over until her 'appointment' comes through?

[Sethis]

Papers story sounds like bullshit to me. Nobody working and living in a foreign country "loses" their papers any more than you would "lose" your driving licence. Even if it's true, that's 100% on her head, not yours, and she can sort her own life out based on her mistakes i.e. she can crash at a friends house or rent a cheap airbnb til she can get out of the country.

If I did my job here in Italy badly enough to get fired after repeated warnings I damn well wouldn't plead I couldn't leave because I'd lost my passport. It's not my employers responsibility if I had.