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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
acivilcontract · 15/10/2018 23:32

You are a grown woman you can handle this, explain the kids aren't safe with her, fire her and ask her to leave. What magical powers does your DH have?

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 23:34

I won’t be leaving her with the kids. Ive got agreement from work to work from home for s while till this is wrapped up

OP posts:
mediumbrownmug · 15/10/2018 23:35

She made your sick son cry, of course you should fire her! Her travel documents (even if they were "stolen") are not your concern. Tbh, I wouldn't be worried anyway; luckily for you both, she's been "independent" since she was 11 years old, right? She'll sort it. Grin

MrsFogi · 15/10/2018 23:35

Get rid. Tough luck re the papers.
Ignore all the posters that always turn up on these threads to tell you you are awful having an au pair/need a nanny. You are not/don't - there are lots of good au pairs and many looking now.

ThatEscalatedQuickly · 15/10/2018 23:44

She can presumably go to her Embassy and get replacement travel docs. I wouldn't wait too long to tell her she has to leave.

KERALA1 · 15/10/2018 23:48

Get rid obviously. Find your anger!

My friends solution is to hire a mum with a baby to cover after school for the 3 days she works. It's genius. The kids get a strict up together mum in charge not a drippy teen , she makes tea for everyone the mum gets to earn some money whilst being with her toddler. The pre teen and baby dynamic works really well my dd loves play dates there as they play with the baby. Maybe consider?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 15/10/2018 23:55

I’m a little unsure as to why you’ve tolerated this for as long as you have 🧐
She’s an absolute liability and is taking the piss.
Does she think she’s on effing holiday?!

springydaff · 16/10/2018 00:10

Bloody hell! She's appalling! Shock

Jamiefraserskilt · 16/10/2018 00:51

More hindrance than help.
For her remaining time, make sure she does more than the bloody washing.

justilou1 · 16/10/2018 05:52

At the very least she lacks empathy. This is not someone I would want raising my kids. “Independence” is not the same as “Hard-hearted.” My guess is that she is either Scandinavian or Dutch. Either way, it is not normal to leave sick kids like that. (And travel documents are easily replaced.)

Angrybird345 · 16/10/2018 06:58

Just get rid now.

OftenHangry · 16/10/2018 08:07

Again. She can get emergency travel document. Either way not your problem

Whattheactualheck · 16/10/2018 08:18

Right . Ok. I’m going to do it. So I’ll say “this isn’t working on many levels I’m afraid. I know you’ve apologised for leaving my son when he was poorly but it’s just not good enough. It’s broken my trust and there’s no real bond between you and the children at all. I’ll pay you till end of month and you can call your friend to arrange when you can take your stuff over there “

OP posts:
OVienna · 16/10/2018 08:39

I would take the emotion out and just say that you need someone with knowledge of British childcare expectations as you are not able to supervise any more due to your work commitments. "Thank you and I wish you well for the future." I wouldn't get into a discussion about her apology especially if your on your own and she may kick off.

The rest is fine

hellojim · 16/10/2018 08:43

You are doing the right thing. You need an au pair who actually does something. I was an au pair many years ago, and although the work wasn't hard and I had a great social life, I had a definite list of jobs which I bothered to do! I'm afraid that your girl is a CF who seems to exist in your home during the week so that she can have nice weekends and a gym membership at your expense. You deserve better.

KERALA1 · 16/10/2018 08:44

What I've done this a few times (host students this age most fine but have had to get rid of a few).

Get cross to spur you on - she has treated your family disrespectfully after numerous reasonable warnings and guidance but externally obv calm adult grown up. Your wording sounds great. Don't witter after saying it or apologise. You will be so relieved when she's gone!

user1483646497 · 16/10/2018 09:16

This sounds like a carbon copy of the situation we had with our au pair -so much so that I'm actually wondering if it's the same one!! I tried and tried to get her to engage with the children to the point where it felt like it was more work having her here than just doing it all myself. In the end we did have to get rid after a very long 6 weeks. It was very awkward but it felt like a weight had been lifted as soon as she'd left and looking back I wish I'd done it sooner. Our children hated her which is really unlike them as they generally love 'big girls'. Good luck!

Unfinishedkitchen · 16/10/2018 09:22

Why is this even an AIBU? Get rid. Today.

ree348 · 16/10/2018 09:46

You sound so nice and fair and unfortunately she's taken advantage of your nature.

If I was in your shoes I would also be asking her to leave.

Good luck

springydaff · 16/10/2018 11:17

Get rid. Today.

Totally this.

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 11:34

Good! Hope it goes well!

juneau · 16/10/2018 14:59

Good for you OP. Let us know how it goes.

DarlingNikita · 16/10/2018 17:27

Call me suspicious, but I think the 'lost' travel documents thing is a bit Hmm.

Whattheactualheck · 16/10/2018 17:38

I think she must suspect something is up. She’s taken herself off for a day trip out it would appear, without checking with me it’s ok! Maybe trying to put off the inevitable. The identity card was stolen apparently with her purse. I did notice her parents had sent her old passport in the post ( well I saw the package and she said that’s what was in it) so there maybe some truth here. Whatever she can get back to her country with a call to the embassy I’m sure. I won’t turn her out on the streets but it’s not fair to prolong this now. She clearly dislikes the kids which is a real shame and can’t work on that basis as I’ll never trust her

OP posts:
VerbeenaBeeks · 16/10/2018 17:44

My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk

I don't have an aupair, but she'd have been gone instantly for that alone! Wouldn't even have had a chance to then go on to apparently be mean/cold to the kids.
Bin her off, find someone who wants to be there as it sounds like she doesn't.
It'll be miserable for your kids too.