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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 15/10/2018 18:08

You have to ask???!!!

sparklepops123 · 15/10/2018 18:08

And cancel gym membership ( just don’t tell her 😀)

OVienna · 15/10/2018 18:09

Veteran of many years of au pairs here. This: She's clearly freeloading and thinking of this as a holiday. She's using your house for as long as she can get away with it as an AirBnB she gets paid to stay in.

serbska · 15/10/2018 18:09

Is she Ofsted registered OP I’m a childminder so maybe different rules for au pairs but if you are paying for childcare, all children need to be in earshot atleast.

You’d think people who work in childcare would know a little bit more about the various forms of childcare and what an au pair is and does...

Anyway Op. get rid. She’s not happy. You’re children aren’t happy. You aren’t happy.

sollyfromsurrey · 15/10/2018 18:09

eightoclock, I certainly hope you were paid more than a standard au pair. An au pair in the UK is only supposed to work around 20 hours as they are supposed to have time to study at a language school or similar. They are NOT supposed to be a cheap nanny/housekeeper. 8am-7pm is ridiculous.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/10/2018 18:10

She left a sick 11 year old for two hours ? Yes, sack her. That is appalling. She sounds incredibly entitled and immature.

TruelyTruelyScrumptious · 15/10/2018 18:11

Generally look after the kids while the parents are working. This includes making food (although probably not 5 course meals), monitoring through minor illnesses (upset stomach, colds etc) and is precisely there to make the life of the parents easier by doing the multiple little things that eat up your time and take it away from other things you could be doing.

That is a nanny not an au pair. An au pair is not full time childcare.

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/10/2018 18:13

This is a bit mixed, OP. You whinge a couple of times about her going out at the weekend and having a good social life. You have no right to moan about this - she is someone who is doing very part-time work for pocket money pay. She is entitled to enjoy her time off, as that is what being an au pair is about from her perspective.
I also think you are being unreasonable in complaining that she doesn't cook - I think it would be fair enough to expect her to make some pasta for the kids, but cooking for the whole family is beyond the remit of someone earning pocket money wages. I was an aupair in the US when I was younger and only did chores related to the kids, I wasn't a housekeeper or cook.
HOWEVER - leaving your sick child to go for a walk was not on, and neither is her general coldness towards your children. I would sack her for these reasons, but I think YABU for the others.

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2018 18:13

Blimey! She saw you coming!

I can't believe you're second-guessing yourself. Of course get rid of her.

cantfindname · 15/10/2018 18:20

My Aunty relied on Au Pairs for years and had some lovely ones. She was very good to them and they had loads of time off, use of a car etc... until the final one. She was very similar to the one you describe OP.. a total nightmare. She was eventually fired and..OMG.. the state of her room! It had to be gutted.. a 20 year old writing on the walls fgs., fag ash everywhere although she was a 'non-smoker' and general dirt and mess.

Fire her now! And don't listen to pleading or excuses.

OVienna · 15/10/2018 18:21

That is a nanny not an au pair. An au pair is not full time childcare.

These sort of comments always come up on AP threads.

For crying out loud is it not beyond the wit of a 24 year old woman to make more than pasta for children. I mean, honestly, my 10 year old DD can and does do that. I am sure what the OP means is that she is getting home from work and the meal FOR THE CHILDREN hasn't been started. I don't know anyone who expects APs to cook for the parents too. Ours is an absolute saint and does but it's not expected.

No, they are not supposed to be looking after children who aren't at school yet full time but they do absolutely help when they are off sick for a few hours if it's something like a cold.

There is nothing in the OPs post which is unreasonable. She understands what the AP role is and regarding her never being home to spend time with the family - the OP would have been skewered if she'd come on here and said: "The AP is always around, blah blah blah, never leaves us alone."

OP - with many posters if you host an AP you're always in the wrong, no matter what.

BewareOfDragons · 15/10/2018 18:22

Cancel her gym membership and send her home on the next flight you can get!

Wow!

pippitysqueakity · 15/10/2018 18:23

So everyone telling you to get rid OP. Any opinions on this?

Tinkobell · 15/10/2018 18:25

Bye bye.....and no reference!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2018 18:25

She is meant to compliment you, not be a hindrance. She sounds rubbish, definitely fire her. Leaving a chd on their own, her interaction with the children sounds poor.

AnnaNimmity · 15/10/2018 18:28

I've had au pairs who can't cook too - agree it's a massive pain (and fwiw I do think they should cook for the kids). It's an issue that can be overcome if the AP is nice though.

But you need to ask her to leave I think - she's just not pleasant.

(and I think it's ok to ask the AP to stay in if a child is ill ).

eiderjane · 15/10/2018 18:28

Fire her and get a Kiwi. We got a great au pair from AuPairworld.com Kiwis or Aussies are the best in my experience.

NobHob · 15/10/2018 18:30

My Au Pair was paid for 25 hours work a week. Her duties involved school runs, odd bits of grocery shopping, taking and picking up dry cleaning preparing meals and supervising DC between end of school and me getting home from work. I sent a job description in advance which she agreed to and she was really great. Totally reliable, kind and hard working. In return I provided her with a car and oyster card and took her with us on holiday. Everyone was happy. So it can work out if you get the right Au Pair, and (Nightwatch999) she meant I could keep working as a single parent to provide for DC when their DF had buggered off with his OW and provided no support whatsoever.

slkk · 15/10/2018 18:35

This is beyond ridiculous. If she has been asked to watch your sick child there is no way she should have left the house. I would sack her for this alone. Of course childcare is part of her job! And this is without all the rest. When I was an au pair I didn’t cook evening meals, but this was the choice of the family. I did lunches and would have done evenings if I’d been asked. Crazy.

LucyAutumn · 15/10/2018 18:37

She sounds like an unreliable teenage sibling who's been relied on to babysit one too many times.

Get rid.

lynxca16 · 15/10/2018 18:39

Not good enough:
either need to sit her down and set out exactly what you require everyday she works
or
start looking for another.
Personally I would go for the latter - lesson learned.
When interviewing - ensure you state and emphasis the everyday duties to be complied with.
Some are great but its you that must set the boundaries.

RoseJam · 15/10/2018 18:39

Cut your losses. Your Au-Pair is taking advantage. She is behaving like a spoilt child and testing your boundaries. Collecting kids from school, light housework and cooking a very simple meal are all standard Au-Pair duties. If she left your DC unattended and she can't even be trusted to turn up to the school on time, give her notice with immediate effect. She doesn't really want to do this. An au-pair is meant to make your life easier - not harder!

There are plenty of great au-pairs around. I found the few times I had to let go of unsuitable au-pairs really hard to do, but once I did it, I never once regretted my decision - only that I didn't do it sooner.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 15/10/2018 18:41

Just want to add my vote to the “get rid” camp.
I had au pairs when my DC were little. Some are good fits and some just aren’t. I can’t see this one ever getting better. You need to cut your losses and move on. Not fair on your DC- or you!
Good luck!!

Kewqueue · 15/10/2018 18:44

I have been an aupair too. I was not the greatest in the world but she makes me look like Mary Poppins! Definitely get rid.

Doubletrouble99 · 15/10/2018 18:45

The min. I heard she went out for a walk rather than look after your sick child I would have fired her straight away.