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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Ringbinger · 19/10/2018 11:20

You definitely should write a review - it’s not mean, it’s responsible. One thing I’m picking up from your posts is that your DH has regularly questioned your decisions and thought processes about this. This has undermined you - the proof of that is the ex au pair accusing you in a message of sacking her without your Dh’s consent. She clearly knew that was the Achilles Heel. You might want to think about that so no other future au pair or employee (or even your children!) can try and take advantage of you and your DH not being on the same page.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 19/10/2018 11:41

You absolutely should leave a review. Keep it factual. The fact that she left children when asked to keep an eye should start alarm bells.

I would also mention the abusive texts. She has shown herself to be completely unprofessional and unreliable. Not you. This is not your doing. It’s all hers. There’s nothing to feel mean about.

SimonePNW2 · 19/10/2018 11:52

I last employed an au pair many years ago but when I did (Im on Mumsnet now as I am about to become a grandma) I had a very detailed day by day duties description for them to read before they took the job and had the opportunity to disagree and not take the job or to agree to the conditions and duties. The agency I used to find them explained what was expected. Once I started doing this the problems all but disappeared. This young lady sounds like a rather immature person who thinks you are her Mummy and she is still a live at home stroppy teenager. Misunderstanding coupled with a lack of maturity. She needs sending home to grow up. Wish you luck. Her behaviour is not even in line with that one could reasonably expect of a 16 year old babysitter let alone an adult au pair.

juneau · 19/10/2018 11:53

It's not mean, as long as you stick to the facts of how she behaved in your home, how she cared (or not), for your DC, how you had to let her go and were then subjected to a tirade of abuse via text. Any future family thinking of employing her would really want that info!

Motoko · 19/10/2018 12:21

One thing I’m picking up from your posts is that your DH has regularly questioned your decisions and thought processes about this. This has undermined you

I agree with Ringbinger as it's something I noticed too. As much as these things should be discussed between you, I take it he's not the one who saw most of her behaviour, or had to deal with the consequences, so he doesn't really have a say, yet he seems to have a lot to say, and it's always undermining what you feel should happen. He should be telling you to do what you feel is best.

Is he like this in other areas of your relationship, (you don't need to answer, but it's something to reflect on) as your ex-AP obviously picked up on this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/10/2018 12:34

I'd also picked up on your DH's reluctance around every justified step and wondered about his keenness not to be "mean"

I've also employed agency staff in the past, as a company rather than an individual - and yes, they need to know. If you're not sure about how to put it and possible kickback, call the people who run the agency and I'm sure they'll be pleased to give advice

SubtitlesOn · 19/10/2018 13:00

IMHO
I think to write a review/reference just stating the facts is completely the right thing to do

The future employers can then read between the lines if they want

Au pair cannot disagree or argue if you just state the pure facts ...........

"On a day that I had to go to work I asked if she would care for my ill DS11 but she decided it was a lovely day so went for a walk for 2 hours leaving him at home alone, she then didn't answer her phone for 3 hours" etc etc

HannahnotAgnes · 19/10/2018 13:27

You definitely need to let the website know - keep it factual & with no emotion. She doesn't sound fit to look after anyone & they should know that.

Fifithefoof · 19/10/2018 13:30

She tried to cook salad ffs. Of course you need to let them know.

Valasca · 19/10/2018 13:45

OP, her messages are the story she’s practicing telling the next family about how horrible the last family was and why she had to leave so quickly.

Just let it go. If you give her negative feedback, she might raise merry hell for you online as she’ll have time on her hands. Plus, no guarantee anyone will believe your written feedback when they speak with her in person and get her version. She’ll just turn you into a cruella caricature

Whattheactualheck · 19/10/2018 13:54

I was thinking of just speaking to one of the staff at the website about it. I’m not going to write anything on line. I’ve also deactivated our profile as we aren’t going to have another aupair it’s been too draining and stressful having someone in our home. It’s so hard to tell from just a Skype call what someone is really like. I think those of you who noticed the disconnect in thought process between Dh and me are right. He did make me doubt myself because he couldn’t see the reality on a day to day basis. It’s different experiencing these things first hand.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 19/10/2018 13:55

OP, leave a review and keep it factual, no emotion, just the facts.

I know people who think you can't give a bad reference. You can, as long as you can back up what you're saying.

The leaving your DS at home when ill, etc, would be enough to put most other people off.

(PS, I have some recipes at home that do involve cooking lettuce....)

Chamomileteaplease · 19/10/2018 14:25

Hi OP, I've just read most of this thread and well done for getting rid of her! She sounds awful.

But could you tell me something? Were there any chores that she DID do? Because it sounds so ridiculous. You mentioned everything she didn't do. Was there anything left that she did do? I am intrigued.

As others said it seemed you were paying her to live in your house. Crazy stuff.

I would let the website know for sure. As a prosective employer you would need to know the facts about these people.

Whattheactualheck · 19/10/2018 14:54

Hi chamomile- after a couple of weeks she got the hang of doing the laundry for the kids. She’d put the uniform out for the following day but not always so the stress that caused made it almost worse than not doing it. We’d think she’d done it because I’d ask and she’d say yes but there would be no uniform or shirts the following day. Apart from that and about two stressful school pick ups there was nothing.

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 19/10/2018 15:01

Also it definitely felt like I was paying a lodger especially when I’d put her dinner down to her every night and she’d always forget to get herself a drink so I’d be up and down like a yo yo. I tried to be nice but I have to say that grated massively. I’ve just been speaking to our old aupair who was an absolute star. She really cares/ cares about the kids and she can’t believe this has happened. She has no idea what was going through the girls’ head. It has also come to light that she left my elder son alone to go to the gym after he’d been told to stay off school after being heavily sedated for a medical procedure. He’s a 18 month’s older than the other one that got left but anything could have happened. I hope there are no more horrors to come out. I replied to her email and told her in the real world of work her negligence would amount to gross misconduct and none of her behaviour is professional or adult. I said she needs to own up to her mistakes, and learn and grow. But if she thinks she’s coming out of this in a good light she’s sadly mistaken.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 19/10/2018 15:55

It has also come to light that she left my elder son alone to go to the gym after he’d been told to stay off school after being heavily sedated for a medical procedure

jesus! she has no sense of responsibility at all does she?

what, do leave that review. what if she does the same thing next time and some harm comes to the child?

Whattheactualheck · 19/10/2018 15:59

She’s just st come back to say “ leave me alone and don’t message me I have a new job... “ all self pitying drivel. She’s denying me the right to reply when it seems ok for her to send messages. I’ve drawn a line under it now. You can’t reason with people like her.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 19/10/2018 16:11

You shouldn't have replied.

But please please leave a review. Another family might take her on and she might behave as she has with you.

Whattheactualheck · 19/10/2018 16:19

No im very glad I did Nikita , I stated my case clearly and factually. It’s done now. Tried to ring/ email website but no response

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 19/10/2018 16:29

Can you leave a review on her profile. I would. Anyone could hire her and bring her into their home and they might have younger more dependant children. She’s effectively abandoned your ill children. God knows what could have happened if they were younger/sick.

DarlingNikita · 19/10/2018 16:30

OK but I'd be pissed off that she had tried to take the moral high ground and have the last word.

LavenderBush · 19/10/2018 16:36

There are references/reviews which say it all by saying very little...

"X was our au pair from (start date) to (finish date). Please contact me on xxx if you have any questions."

"X worked for us from (start date) until she was asked to leave on (finish date)."

The dates alone may speak volumes!

Whattheactualheck · 19/10/2018 16:41

Nikita no she didn’t. I got the final message in there.

OP posts:
DopeyDazy · 19/10/2018 17:17

your DH seems very concerned about her

legofriendly · 19/10/2018 17:20

I replied to her email and told her in the real world of work her negligence would amount to gross misconduct and none of her behaviour is professional or adult

Why isn't your house the real world? Confused

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