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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 17/10/2018 20:45

@DonkeyHotei , I actually don't think it is shameful.

The au pair didn't manage the basics of her contract.
The OP was not obliged to do anything, she did it as a gesture, despite having an ongoing dialogue with the au pair about her concerns, which ended up with her being sacked.

You can't treat people like that, do whatever you want and neglect your duties, and still expect them to honour good will gestures. (And I worked as an au pair for three years, so have had some experience).

SeaEagleFeather · 17/10/2018 20:46

She's acted selfishly, irresponsibly and without consideration in the time she was with you.

If you're the first person to show her that that behaviour isn't going to cut it outside of her own family, then she's going to hate it and she'll take it out on someone ... you.

Expecting her to see your POV was never going to work. You come over as still trying to reason with her and it's a hiding to nothing.

As for the critics, just take what's useful to you from the thread. There's always a few who love shoving the boot in, when it's clear you've agonized over this.

DonkeyHotei · 17/10/2018 20:49

But that's not the point - the point is the OP said she would pay the flights: that was the last verbal agreement between them, until the message from the au pair. OP didn't say, "I'll pay your flights IF you don't send me a text message with your opinions of how awful I am". She said, "I'll pay your flights IF you leave". Aupair left. To then withhold that promised payment because somebody expressed themselves in an unthreatening medium but with content that the OP didn't like is an abuse of power.

DonkeyHotei · 17/10/2018 20:51

OK, all that is true: the aupair didn't fulfil her contractual obligations,. or her moral ones either. So, at the point of leaving, the OP should have said, "And because of this, I'll NOT pay your flights". She said the opposite.

OftenHangry · 17/10/2018 20:52

@DonkeyHotei 🙄 Really?

DonkeyHotei · 17/10/2018 20:53

To promise to do something and then renege on it because someone has expressed an OPINION you don't like, even if that opinion is hurtful to you, ie "My opinion is that you're a cunt" is wrong by any stretch.

Iaimtomisbehave1 · 17/10/2018 20:53

OP should never have offered to pay for flights. She was babying her. Even if the posts on here, it comes across like the OP thinks of her as a teenager who needs help. She's a grown woman. She's not a child.

She did offer. That was silly. But no one else is going to blame her for refusing to pay.

BewareOfDragons · 17/10/2018 20:56

I would have struggled not to text her back first, along the lines of:

"You are seriously embarrassing yourself now.. Grow up."

Then block.

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 20:57

What I said is I’d book them for her that day and pay. But she didn’t want to book. I’m not just giving her the cash. She’s not mentioned it again and I doubt she’d ask after the harassment my husband and I have put up with tonight. She’s beeb utterly vile and messaged repeatedly via my husband, once I blocked her. Actually I think for my sake I need to drop this now. I don’t need unpleasantness coming at me from every angle. She was given a few hundred pounds when she left too

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 17/10/2018 20:58

Naah. She had enough chances and she blew it. What she had to do wasn't hard, be pleasant to kids and do some childcare she didn't even manage that. She's mid twenties not a wide eyed teen she can buy her own flights.

LeftRightCentre · 17/10/2018 21:00

Oh, please, vulnerable, my arse! She's 24, she has friends she is staying with, she has family. She completely pissed all over the job, the OP and her kids. The OP owes her nothing.

You did the right thing, OP, I'm glad she's out and hope you find someone better next time. Wouldn't give her a second thought.

KERALA1 · 17/10/2018 21:00

The way she is behaving now utterly vindicates getting rid fast. Just look what was just below the surface!

DonkeyHotei · 17/10/2018 21:02

It appears that there is only "unpleasantness" coming at you from my angle. No one else seems to think you've done anything wrong. Yet the tone of your last post implies that the difference of opinion with one other human is too stressful ("For my sake, i think I need to drop this now....") I think that is telling.

Maelstrop · 17/10/2018 21:04

Your dh needs to block her too. This has moved to harassment territory. Don’t let him tolerate her nonsense.

LeftRightCentre · 17/10/2018 21:05

Oh, give over with the self-righteousness, Donkey. Since you're such a Mother Theresa, why not PM the OP to get the au pair's details so you can forward her the contents of your current account and polish your halo.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/10/2018 21:06

She’s been utterly vile and messaged repeatedly via my husband, once I blocked her

Hopefully he'll block her too

After her previous behaviour I'm afraid the vileness was to be expected, but looking on the bright side she's out now and you don't need to worry about the ghastly woman any more

Stonebake · 17/10/2018 21:08

Ach give it a rest donkey. She’s stressed out and she’s had quite a few corkers on here, not just you.

TheMonkeyMummy · 17/10/2018 21:12

@DonkeyHotei give over... OP has behaved exceptionally well, and more than fair.

FlowThroughIt · 17/10/2018 21:19

Might want to make sure she's blocked from communicating with your kids as well.

blueshoes · 17/10/2018 21:24

What a piss-taking, spiteful and vindictive aupair. I have had many in my lifetime, and my fair share of corkers and duds, but yours takes the cake. Sympathies. The witch is now dead. Enjoy your freedom and clear air.

blueshoes · 17/10/2018 21:25

donkeyhotei would be the aupair

fifithefoof · 17/10/2018 21:27

Vulnerable? Hahahahaha! Poor you op. How cunty of her. 

Aprilislonggone · 17/10/2018 22:00

If any of your dc have a phone make sure she isn't contacting them.

SunnyCoco · 17/10/2018 22:03

Well done for sorting it out OP
You’ll be a lot happier without paying for a grumpy lodger clogging up the good vibes

HannahnotAgnes · 17/10/2018 22:26

Well done Op - you're well rid.