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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
montenuit · 18/10/2018 18:54

But what springs to mind is the saying about not wrestling a pig - you wont win, you both get muddy and the pig likes it!!

Oh i love that. That's exactly it.

Elephant14 · 18/10/2018 19:53

But what springs to mind is the saying about not wrestling a pig - you wont win, you both get muddy and the pig likes it!!

Oh I love that, its so true, who said it and we should just post it on every thread!! (sorry I had have wine its been a long week and its friday tomorrow)
still think we should post it on so many threads .... hic

hamandpease · 18/10/2018 20:02

I can't believe you're not responding, you're a bigger person than me.

What was the incredible cooking disaster?!

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 21:07

Cooking disaster involved trying to cook salad in the oven. I kid you not . Lettuce too Confused

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 21:08

I do want to respond desperately but I don’t really want anymore contact either.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 18/10/2018 21:18

Is it going to bug you more if you don't say something, or if you do?

you won't get through to her at all. Don't expect her to comprehend your pov. But if it helps -you- to have your say once, then that's an overall gain. But I'd block her immediately afterwards.

"If you want to be a good au pair in future, show some responsibility to the children you're supposed to be looking after. Don't forget to pick them up from school several times, don't go out for hours when they are ill and need care, do learn to cook and do at least pretend to like the children instead of making them cry. We took you into our home, paid your gym membership and gave your several hundred pounds. We have been used by you. I hope that one day you learn to care for children, to take some responsibility and to do some work for the benefits you so clearly took advantage of".

MemoryOfSleep · 18/10/2018 21:23

Why doesn't your husband just block her? If it really bothers you that much send a last message then block so she can't argue back, but to my mind blocking itself would be your response.

Poppyhopscotch · 18/10/2018 21:48

Aw OP really feel for you. She sounds like an absolute knob! At least now the anger you must be feeling will stop any feelings of guilt you had. Not that you needed to feel guilty anyway. Her behaviour now just proves you were right to get rid. She couldn't even do the basics of her role. Your kids sound lovely too. Hope you find a solution that works for all of you 💐

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 18/10/2018 22:05

Have been following this open mouthed. What an entitled, deluded, arrogant, rude little madam! She had you well and truly hoodwinked until it became clear she was actually a great useless lump. Just want to say well done for standing up to her!

I also don’t know though how you’re not responding, I’d be in a full on slanging match by now. Grin

llangennith · 18/10/2018 22:16

OP I bet you'd love to give her a slap. I know I would!
I have a friend who's had a different au pair every year for the past 10 years since the first of her two DDs was born. She is quite strict with them the first few weeks while she lays down the house rules. We all though she was a bit OTT at the start but her au pairs have all been great, she has a four week overlap each changeover, and all the au pairs come back for visits en masse each year for a week. So they must like her and the kids and the regime.
I guess the key to success is to be quite explicit what is expected of any nanny or au pair and being particularly strict the first few weeks. You are the employer and the au pair is not your friend but your employee.

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 22:28

Thanks all. No idea how I’d have got through this without the great collective wisdom of mumsnet! It’s been a bumpy ride and I feel quite shell shocked!!

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 18/10/2018 22:43

If it is only few nights after school you need to work late

Could you ask at your DC school friends if there is another family that you could do reciprocal arrangements with that you have their DC when they need to work late and they do same for you?

Hopefully you might be able to arrange something for at least some of your late nights

Good luck in the future 

roisin · 19/10/2018 06:57

Well done!

I think there is a problem these days with a small number of young people, who do not seem to understand the realities of the world and are very entitled. The fact that she was surprised when you sacked her, speaks reams, I think.

My company tends to attract youngish people (in their twenties) to work there and we are a good, generous employer. Many of them are super: enthusiastic, hard-working, respectful, punctual, polite. But over the years we have had a few who need considerable education on the basic expectations of an employer and line manager!

Whattheactualheck · 19/10/2018 09:05

Ok but unsure here. I think I should tell the website we found her on what happened. This covers us incase she makes a complaint about being asked to leave ( though not sure what the basis would be) however my DH thinks it’s quite a mean thing to do. I don’t want to do an unkind thing but I’m worried about other families. What if she has smaller children in her care next time?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 19/10/2018 09:13

They need to know. They might not care but at least if you've told them, you've done what you can. Like you say, what if she's in charge of younger children next time?

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 19/10/2018 09:34

Please do tell the website, you dont want another family to have to go through what you have. It's not unkind, it's not that you just didnt like her, she was useless. Worse than useless!

SeaEagleFeather · 19/10/2018 09:41

NO, it's not mean. I do think you'd need to major on the lack of warmth for the children though and the neglect rather than her behaviour since.

You're stating the facts and prospective hosters have a right to know the good and the bad about someone they are trusting their children to.

If the children were really small, as you say, they could have no way of communicating their distress. Because of that, personally I think it's the right (if unpleasant) thing to do.

ohfourfoxache · 19/10/2018 09:53

Telling the website is the responsible thing to do. There is absolutely nothing “mean” about it.

BolleauxtoBankers · 19/10/2018 09:57

You definitely need to tell the website - I don't know how these things work though, maybe she will "review" you as a bad au pair host in order to put off other girls from applying to you, or just to get in first, so that you are painted as a liar when you put up your report of her. But, whatever, I think for the sake of other prospective au pair host families, you need to point out that she has no idea how to behave as an au pair (nothing to do with her behaviour since she left).

picklepost · 19/10/2018 10:03

Crikey, try not to let her get to you, she's just a silly, self-absorbed nobody who you had the misfortune to employ. Definitely don't respond to her messages or in any way imagine they contain an inkling of truth. You have done for her something that she desperately needed - you've told her "No". She is horribly spoilt and entitled, and she needs to wake up if she's to survive at all.

So. From here... tbh I don't believe there's much to be gained from live-ins. By that I mean that your kids need you and their dad, and no-one else cuts it. I'd honestly recommend replacing an au pair with a cleaner and babysitter/after school clubs.

Keep your home for your family and keep the weirdos out!

CookPassBabtridge · 19/10/2018 10:37

I would write a message laying it all out, get it all out of your system in the politest way possible, and then block her completely so she can't reply  Then you can draw a line under it without her lies making you doubt yourself.

DarlingNikita · 19/10/2018 10:44

I think you should tell the website, yes, to cover yourself against anything she might say. Is there a review/feedback option? That would seem the obvious place to put a FACTUAL (don't get into the emotions/blame) list of her professional shortcomings.

I wouldn't have any further direct contact with her, though. I do hear you about the unfairness thing and finding it hard to keep quiet about; I just think it wouldn't end well if you got into an argument with her.

DarlingNikita · 19/10/2018 10:45

Oh, and ignore your DH about it being 'mean'. Services are often subject to review and feedback.

TheCakeCrusader · 19/10/2018 10:48

Do notify the website about the au pair as there could be a chance that she’ll go into another family with the same bad attitude. No need to feel bad or guilty about this!

TheCakeCrusader · 19/10/2018 10:49

Also, if she does behave in the same way in the future, the website can see that this behaviour is consistent.