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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Pemba · 18/10/2018 12:33

But I think maybe the OP should message her back, just setting out calmly the actual facts of what happened, and how the au pair was in the wrong, and took no responsibility. Then maybe she might reflect on it later, and come to an understanding. (Faint hope I know!)

Just do it the once, put everything in there, calm tone, then block her again. That's what I'd want to do.

LeftRightCentre · 18/10/2018 12:33

Don't message her back. She's deluded. YY to cancelling gym membership.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2018 12:38

I would leave it now and move forward. YOu could have a day Au Pair or nanny, or housekeeper. I personally would not like a live in carer due to your situation happening. They are harder to deal with and get rid off if it goes pear shaped.

Antigon · 18/10/2018 12:51

Op, can you type out what she said here? You could omit any identifying bits or paraphrase her?

justilou1 · 18/10/2018 13:02

Sounds like the typical (even though I am really loathe to use this phrase) “Special Little Snowflake” that is reportedly being produced these days. Not taking responsibility, astoundingly disproportionate levels of entitlement, complete inability to adult, lack of empathy. You probably feel like you have been under attack for months. Having her out of your house will be like a breath of fresh air!

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 13:47

Antigone she basically said she was deeply appalled by “my behaviour”. She seemed, weirdly, to think I hadn’t consulted my husband on the decision and had made it alone. Accused me of ignoring her all day yesterday which wasn’t true as she took all her meals into her bedroom. Infact I had to initiate all conversation. She says she’s mature and a grown up and highly professional so she won’t kick up a fuss but my “ behaviour” is terrible.

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 13:50

Also said she’d been nothing but highly tolerant and patient with me! ( this comes from someone who lost their house keys, had numerous cooking disasters one of which was absolutely incredible, forgot to pick up my kids from school, left sick child at home, shrank a wool jumper when I told her I’d wash all the wool stuff by hand.

OP posts:
Pursefirst · 18/10/2018 14:10

OP, your behaviour has been more than admirable. Please do try to ignore the little wench now though, as she sounds like the type of person who doesn't have the balls to have a face-to-face conversation, but magically grows a pair when using a phone. Ignoring her will infuriate her far more than engaging with her. I would have your husband block her too, that way you won't have to read her drivel.

DarlingNikita · 18/10/2018 14:14

People, stop hounding the OP to screenshot or repeat the messages verbatim!

OP, I'm really sorry she's turned so nasty. I take it you and your DH have now blocked her from all forms of contact?

You know she's talking rubbish, so you needn't let it upset you. Vent as you need to on here and/or IRL and then move on and forget all about the unpleasant woman.

LeftRightCentre · 18/10/2018 14:16

I'd actually list all those things you listed here and tell her she lives in Cloud Cuckoo Land, not Planet Maturia.

montenuit · 18/10/2018 14:22

No don't engage. Block and ignore. You know she won't take any feedback on board so don't waste your breath or prolong contact.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/10/2018 14:39

She says she’s mature and a grown up and highly professional so she won’t kick up a fuss but my “ behaviour” is terrible ... also said she’d been nothing but highly tolerant and patient with me

Frankly her level of self delusion would be almost amusing, were if not for the worry she's caused you. Unfortunately it's all she's got so she might as well enjoy it - not that it will get her anywhere

Forget her, OP, and move on with your own lovely family; you really don't need this nonsense in your life and happily she's not there any more

SeaEagleFeather · 18/10/2018 15:05

Don't let her get to you what. Not everyone is reasonable!

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 15:08

I find this sort of thing hard to keep quiet on. I hate unfairness and the fact she keeps trying to make out as though she’s this wronged victim who has emerged with such dignity is REALLY bugging me. I want to tell her there’s nothing “professional” or “ mature” about neglecting children in your care and failing to be kind/ interact. And that infact she sees absolutely everything from her own point of view. She “saw” the children not speaking to her when infact she was thundering around and glaring at them. But in her head we ignored her. She ate alone and spent most of the day in her room eating.

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 15:10

Sorry for rambling after the fact but nothing riles me more than a young immature lazy woman telling me the state of play.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 18/10/2018 15:18

Totally get why you are riled by the unfairness. But what springs to mind is the saying about not wrestling a pig - you wont win, you both get muddy and the pig likes it!! What I mean is that you cannot reason with this level or delusion and off the scale entitlement. A pp has suggested getting your husband to send one succinct message outlining why she has behaved like a shit-for-brains and then block her which I think is a good one.

Does the website offer a review facility? Or can you add your details for a reference so you can warn others off? I would let them have it both barrels!

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 18/10/2018 15:25

I think anyone would find it hard to keep quiet in your position OP!! The sheer audacity of her! I would send her a firm reply (just one) saying something like:

"Dear X,

I feel for your own benefit I should correct you the many inaccuracies you have just sent to me and my husband.

Over the past X months you have: forgotten your house keys X times, ruined dinner, destroyed an item of clothing..[etc]. One or two mistakes is one thing, and could happen to anyone, but overall my husband and I have found you to be unprofessional and X.., which is why we took the decision to ask you to leave.

I don't think there is anything to gain by our continued communication so I think we should leave it there. Best wishes in whatever you choose to do next. "

To the point, completely factual but puts you back in the driving seat at the end.

I mean there's having the moral high ground and rising above it, but having some jumped up 20-something try and tell me I'M the one in the wrong - absolutely no bloody way! It also covers you in case she tries to mouth off about you to others afterwards.

woolduvet · 18/10/2018 15:40

Yes but put in, was late to collect children from school
Left poorly child at home alone whilst you went for a lovely walk.

alifromtheforest · 18/10/2018 16:11

Is there a feedback section on the website where you found her? If so, I would pointing my scathing assessment of her towards that.

lynxca16 · 18/10/2018 16:15

Good for you - you have handled a difficult situation very well and you should be proud of yourself.

I would not personally respond or have any further communication with the 'little madam' if you do she is still controlling and engaging your time, mind and energy which would be better spent on more positive things.

Block her number/e-mail etc and then delete all contact details from all family's phones etc. so you don't have to sit on your hands anymore! Keep busy and positive knowing you handled it very well for you and your children.
Maybe focus on asking locally for recommendations for someone who would do school pick-up and home child care? That's what we do here and its usually the best way to get someone (not live-in) but we live in a smallish town so may not work in large or city situation.
Only a thought

NWQM · 18/10/2018 17:02

Go high as a certain clever woman would say and give it no more thought. She isn't going to suddenly 'get it'.

blueshoes · 18/10/2018 17:30

None so blind as those who will not see.

OP, you did well and stood for dignity and fairness. Now is time to let go. Karma will catch up with her in the end. You have done your bit and more than she deserves. This is not the chapter in her life where she gets it.

hellojim · 18/10/2018 17:35

Maybe this girl has never been told what to do or been criticized and so has become used to doing things her way until now. She is probably outraged that you have found fault with her and needs to believe that this is all your doing so that she can feed that version of the story to her friends and family.

juneau · 18/10/2018 17:35

All of these vile and unnecessary communications just underline how right you were to get rid of her OP. She sounds entitled, self-centred, lazy and narcissistic. You're well rid. I'd have a big glass of wine and congratulate yourself for your restraint, quite honestly, and for treating her so well in the circumstances. Several hundred pounds as a golden handshake when she left? She's lucky you didn't throw her own with no pay at all. Life will teach her lessons, but until it does she'll no doubt continue to have this very high and totally inaccurate opinion of herself.

juneau · 18/10/2018 17:35

*out