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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
nonetworkaccess · 17/10/2018 22:31

Well done and well rid, OP.

Block her from everyone/thing and make sure you change the locks.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but experience it is. Hopefully, you won't come across someone like this again, but if you do, at least you'll know how to deal with it. Just do it quicker next time.

Oh, and when you change the locks, keep the barrels so you can change them back if you do manage to get struck twice by lightning.

Took me years to man up to difficult situations, and I still don't like confrontation but I learned that no one else will do it for me and I have a duty to my family. Go on an assertive training course if you have to. I was sent on one when I first worked in the NHS and found it very useful.

Good luck with the next one.

SequinsOnEverything · 17/10/2018 22:33

I'd definitely change the locks just in case she does have a key op. I'd probably have left it, but now she's started sending you messages and clearly feeling bitter, I'd do it. Use the money you would have spent on her flights.

highby · 17/10/2018 22:40

I feel for you, it must of been difficult to do. You did the right thing for your kids and you will all get over this experience. Hope if you decide to go down the au pair route again you can find someone deserving of you all.

Singlebutmarried · 17/10/2018 22:57

I’ve followed this a bit agog, is there an opportunity to leave feedback with the people that run the website you found her on?

Glad she’s gone OP.

Hope you find a good one.

montenuit · 17/10/2018 22:59

Make sure your dcs know why she went. That she wasn't nice to them and didn't do the job she was paid to do.
It's important they learn / understand that her behaviour wasn't ok and that you will protect them.

woolduvet · 17/10/2018 23:06

What a shame she's done this, she's probably bigging the whole situation up and maybe has had a drink. The text was maybe to save face in front of friends.
Yes to both blocking her and I would now change the locks.
Id have asked her to leave too, whether or not she thinks children should be more grown up, they're your children and she should parent how you do.

Daftapath · 17/10/2018 23:13

OP would it be worth also mentioning to the children's school that she is no longer in your employ and so does not have permission to collect the children from school any more? Also to let the children know, without worrying them, that they are not to go with her if she tries to suggest they should?

Hopefully, her spiteful ness will stop at late night messages 🤞🏻

WellThisIsShit · 17/10/2018 23:23

Well done OP.

Ignore the silliness on here and from her!

Ginburee · 17/10/2018 23:49

Ffs Donkey, are you the au pair???
OP get your husband to block and inform the forum you met the au pair from so they can keep a note.
She is 24 and may have 'form' for this kind of behaviour.

justilou1 · 18/10/2018 01:11

Don’t forget to cancel the gym membership!!!

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 08:15

It’s so telling from her messages how she views herself as utterly blameless and our family being wrong for asking her to go. Even when we’ve talked about her failure to collect kids from school/ look after sick child, failure to interact positively with the kids - she still sees herself as utterly blameless. Points the finger at me. Horrible situation and I’m trying to think of other ways of managing that don’t involve an aupair

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 18/10/2018 08:19

Have you thought about hiring a local girl. Maybe a sixth former/college student looking to make some money to do sitting before/after school. Might costs you as much or even more as the au pair but you’d keep your sanity. You could also have a couple so they have someone for the first half of the week and someone for the second?

hellojim · 18/10/2018 08:23

She sounds deluded - maybe in her head she was doing a great job!
As for coping in the future it doesn't sound as if she did much to help so it shouldn't be too hard. Could you find a nice babysitter or afterschool nanny to help with busy times without the intrusion of having someone living with you?

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 08:25

I think you’re all right. It’s too much of a risk having someone live in and do hard to tell what someone is like from Skype alone. I feel a bit traumatised by the whole thing today so will have to give it some thought.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 18/10/2018 08:41

Well done OP.
Horrible situation but you've handled it very well.
Try to have a good day.

CoraPirbright · 18/10/2018 08:41

When I was in the position of needing some help like you, I always used to find excellent people from the local Montessori nursery. They generally finished at lunch time when the majority of the pupils went home and so were free to do the pm pick up, bring home, oversee prep, make supper etc. All were really lovely as working with children were their main jobs. Any good?

SeaEagleFeather · 18/10/2018 08:43

Give it a bit of time what and see if you can find a good website ... check on line about feedback on the website. Though cora's idea sounds great

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 08:50

Yes that’s a great idea. I defs don’t want anyone living in again

OP posts:
hellojim · 18/10/2018 08:56

The things you mentioned that the au pair actually did could probably be done by a housekeeper/cleaner and you could have a couple of babysitters' details for times of childcare (which don't seem that frequent from what you have said).

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 08:59

Fab idea hellojim you’re absolutely right. There’s really only a couple of evenings a week when I work later

OP posts:
hellojim · 18/10/2018 09:15

Great, it sounds like you are on track to reclaiming your home!! Ask people you know if they can recommend a babysitter and there are several websites out there where you can specify what you are looking for.

Whattheactualheck · 18/10/2018 09:21

I’m having to sit on my hands not to email the little madam back. Her comments are so pompous!

OP posts:
Alaria4 · 18/10/2018 09:26

Wow, what a relief your family must feel right now!

I'm actually shocked at how you handled that - better than I would that's for sure! Smile

You sound like a very kind person (more than she deserved!) whatever you choose to do now, I truly hope it works out for you. There was no excuse for her behaviours.

At 17, i lived with DP family and I would look after 5 children under 12 (not all the time but doing what I could) do family chores (washing clothes, dinner, hoovering etc) put children to bed all whilst in FT college. I would never have left a child who was unwell on their own! Let alone whether I was employed to do so or not.

I suppose the worst thing is she failed to build a relationship with the children, which is sad. I had such great relationships with the children I helped out with and cared very much about them! She didnt seem to have that!

Weedsnseeds1 · 18/10/2018 09:35

As an EU national, if she's had her ID card stolen and filed a police report ( which she should have done, if true) she should be able to travel on the expired passport her parents sent her. She needs to contact the airline.
Some will also allow other photo ID such as driving license in these circumstances.
Or embassy will issue emergency travel documents, without waiting a month.
But I'm sure she can find that information herself, no need for you to tell her.

fifithefoof · 18/10/2018 10:18

Don't message her back. Be the bigger person. I totally would especially after a glass of wine.

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