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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

288 replies

DiaryStrife · 15/10/2018 09:32

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
ButAIBUtho · 15/10/2018 13:59

I'd be withdrawing all help and notifications. But that's just me and it probably wouldn't help.

Cawfee · 15/10/2018 14:04

YANBU and I think you need a mediator rather than a counsellor. You are already going above and beyond by maintaining a family calendar. If it was me I’d go back and say considering what’s happening that I would no longer be doing a family calendar at all. Looking after 4 dcs is hard enough and I no longer have time to do it especially in light of his lack of effort and appreciation. From now on, he can check school emails (like I do) and concoct his own calendar. We are divorced. His business and time management is not my problem. I will maintain my own calendar and no I will not be sending any reminders.

Cawfee · 15/10/2018 14:04

He’s got a damn cheek presumably why you are divorced! At least you know you made the right call!

PopGoesTheWeaz · 15/10/2018 14:13

Sorry, I've got my practical cap on, but the app you are using does not have notifications then it's not working for it's intended purpose so stop using it and use one that will. Most do - Cosi app is a shared family calendar that does everything you are talking about and sends notifications.

Also, I really think you need to look at finding a new councillor. I don't like the dynamic of three against one and you feeling cornered in the room.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 15/10/2018 15:05

His wife shouldn’t be his PA either.

Jux · 15/10/2018 15:12

Your ex needs to take some personal responsibility.

Why is he unable to check the calendar himself? He knows everything is there, as you have taken the responsibility of keeping it.

Why is he so unwilling? Why is he so angry about it?

That's what I'd be asking at the next session. Your bit is to keep the diary; he can look or not. What is not bothering to look at easily available information telling everyone about his attitude to fatherhood?

Your counsellor is crap, btw. He's been suborned by your ex, which tends to be what happens when an abuser goes to counselling.

MsJolly · 15/10/2018 16:18

Certainly def the counselling-and report him.
And tell your ex to do one!

DiaryStrife · 15/10/2018 16:49

Hi everyone

Have just caught up, answers to some questions

Counsellor is a family therapist recommended to me by a counsellor at work. He said it isn’t usual for the ex/ex’s wife and another person to come for therapy but not unheard of. This was only the second sesson. The first one mostly covered why we were there and what we hoped to achieve. I wanted to not have so much contact, to not be spoken to with contemp and for ex to take more responsibility with regards to the DC. He wanted me to stop being so angry with him, to stop talking to him “like shit”and to recognise he is a good dad. His ex would like to remedy the fact that our issues spill over into her home and life and reduce the tension for the DC.

Re the diary app. Everyone is able to enter things in it and they do. I don’t ask for a notification when they’ve put stuff in. I could change to another app and will have a look tonight.

Ex is and always as been quite controlling. He very much wants to be recognised as a good dad and involved in all aspects of their life. Hence he wants to know when and why they’ve been to the doctors etc. Fair enough.

No I don’t for a second believe he is telling me his true income. When really pushed on it he says I should realise he is actually paying twice as he’s paying for them to live here but is also providing food/clothes/bedrooms to them at his house.

I’m going to go this week and plant my fucking flag! I won’t be doing texts anymore for the money and if he consistently “forgets” to pay I will escalate.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 15/10/2018 17:01

Don't wait to go to CMS. Why do you think you always have to play fair? He's not reasonable. Don't send a text reminder. When he's a week late ring CMS. Tell them he won't pay unless you remind him every time and he won't disclose his true income. I think your mistake has been being way too accommodating of his fuckwittery.

AngelsSins · 15/10/2018 17:04

He’s a controling little prick and I think you need to break away from him, you’re giving too much and it must be so draining for you. Could you see a therapist on your own to find ways to cope with him?

As for the so called therapist, I wouldn’t turn up, and when he calls you to ask where you are, tell him he should have text to remind you. Knob head!

username1724 · 15/10/2018 17:07

I'd be considering putting in a complaint about that counsellor.. hes nodding his head about how 'impossible' you are when you've enabled your ex to attend all events at his own wishes? Get a new counsellor or stop with this guy it sounds like hes doing more damage than good. What a fucking moron. Stand your ground, if you're mad then so are the rest of us!

Kr1stina · 15/10/2018 17:47

Are you legally obliged to tell him when they attend the doctor, dentist etc ?

SonEtLumiere · 15/10/2018 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiaryStrife · 15/10/2018 18:15

I know it sounds like I’m accommodating him, but honestly it is easier this way. The older the DC get the less I will have to communicate with him and I can gradually stop altogether.

He wants to be recognised as a good dad by the DC more than anything. Hence being pissed off if they tell him they’ve done something and he didn’t know about it. He is fully involved in every aspect of their lives if they like it or not. I try and mitigate this as much as I can without saying it is ok to outright lie to him.

We have very different parenting approaches. It causes no end of trouble. I feel he isn’t doing the day to day so doesn’t get to micromanage the kids. He feels he is their parent and gets as much say as I do.

OP posts:
RedFin · 15/10/2018 18:16

I use time tree app. It's on the phone, one tap to open it and starts every day with "xyz is happening today". Also has a reminder function though I don't use it and has different colours. You can also set up a repeat so "dancing Thurs at 8 for the next four Thurs".

Juells · 15/10/2018 18:28

You might as well be still married to him, and still under his control.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2018 18:39

But he's not a good Dad. He messes them around, doesn't want to pay the legal minimum and is determined to give their mum the runaround. You can't dress that up as 'good dad' however hard you try.

Siun · 15/10/2018 18:43

The counsellor is being ridiculous! I'm not surprised to hear that your x wants you to pander to his busy life and enjoys the control and enjoys not having to 'think' = you're earning your maintenance he thinks, he'll make you earn it. But for a counsellor to sit there sagely nodding at his demand that you be his secretary, that is quite shocking.

Figgygal · 15/10/2018 18:49

He's got a funny idea of what constitutes good dad if he's that bothered about knowing what they're up to he could always just LOOK AT THE FUCKING APP Hmm

Siun · 15/10/2018 18:49

Also the counsellor should realise that this places you in the position of having to 'please' him every week in order to get the maintenance on time. The fact that he even mentioned it in the context of paying twice proves his attitude. He's resentful about paying it and he's going to make you pay for that. You can be his secretary he thinks.
I'd call his bluff and say the kids can live with him full time, no maintenance required and you'll manage without it. Maybe get a job and a life. :-p

Siun · 15/10/2018 18:50

a ft job I mean

Jux · 15/10/2018 19:21

Or you could spend the day sending him emails about absolutely everything.

Dc1 has awoken.
Dc2 is in the bathroom.
Dc4's best mate has kncoked on the door.

One whole day of that and he'll be satisfied with the diary.

Andro · 15/10/2018 19:53

He very much wants to be recognised as a good dad and involved in all aspects of their life. Hence he wants to know when and why they’ve been to the doctors etc. Fair enough.

Once they get to 16, they have a right to confidential medical care.

If he pushes too hard to be 'involved in every aspect of their lives' all he will do is push them away.

Dollymixture22 · 15/10/2018 20:12

You have far to much contact with this man. He is a bully.

Stop the text messages asking for money, if he won’t pay through informal channels then you will have to involve the necessary authorities.

Stop the counsellor - it won’t work if you don’t trust him. And he’s unreasonable!

Phase out the calendar - ask the school the send him copies of all correspondence. Let him know at drop off if there are any unscheduled activates. If he misses things it’s not the end of world and it might make him take more responsibility

What age are the children? Why does he need to control so many aspects of their life? Could you delegate all dentist appointments to him and say you will handle doctors? Would that give him a level of involvement without you having to report every little appointment.

Holdingonbarely · 15/10/2018 20:19

So he’s got on Witt life. Got married etc.
And how are you supposed to get on with your life?

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