To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

[DiaryStrife]

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

I would be going to the next meeting and telling both ex husband and counsellor that I will no longer doing the calendar as I know where and when I need to collect them. I will also going to CMS to collect the child maintenance as Exh also needs to be reminded to pay that as well.
I’m betting he earning more then you know so any money you would lose would be made up anyway.

And if he wants you to work as part of a team with him then HE needs to step up and actually parent his children and not just the fun bits.

I would also report this counsellor as he is not being professional at all. His job is to work out an agreement between the both of you not bully the weaker person to comply with the bully.

Not really to do with the OP but just an observation - I've noticed a lot of responses saying 'you're not even his wife anymore' and 'let the new wife do it'.

Even if they were married, he is more than capable of looking in a shared calendar or even owning and updating the calendar itself. I find it a bit depressing that it's automatically assumed the woman has to do all the organisational work for the family, including reminding the other parent, because she is the woman, so it's her job

I wish people would stop using the phrase 'gaslighting' incorrectly.

*smallfootpercy and not keeping ex informed about the health of his children isn't ammunition?

Perhaps I forgot is bad wording maybe just it was routine and there was nothing to inform you about.

Though a parent wanting to know their child has seen a dentist in the last 6 months isn't going to be seen as unreasonable by most people.

Op needs to find a way of keeping him informed of basic stuff with minimal impact on her. Calanader was a good idea - it's not working becuase her ex doesn't want it to - so she need to try something else.

I agree AMIright...

We are peddling sexist expectations that only women can remember to look after their kids and know where they need to be and what clothes they should be wearing. Why cant men do it too? Not new wives!

He doesn't let his 16 year old go out if YOU haven't put it in the calendar? This is ridiculous. That arrangement should not involve you at all.

If you want to stick with the family calendar, I really think that all members of the family who are old enough should have admin status. Certainly your ex should. Everything is falling to you, even when it's not on your time, I bet no-one else pays a blind bit of notice AND you probably get the blame for anything that is missed. Your ex probably sees it as a way of you controlling him, which is why he only engages when he feels like it. It does feel like a wifely thing to do and I think you need to step back and stop acting anything like his wife. You are running around for everyone and nobody is thanking you for it.

I would get rid of the calendar. For my kids' dentist and doctor's appointments I get a text message from the surgery. Ask if this can be sent to both parents. The school can send all correspondence to both parents and will already be doing this for loads of other kids. There are lots of clubs, but presumably these are regular things, so you only need to communicate when things change! Ex can have a single weekly planner on his wall so that he knows DS goes to Forest School on a Wednesday - he only needs to be updated by you with
a text when Forest School isn't on. If your teenager is making plans on days she is at his, she needs to let him know, not you.

I imagine with 4 children there is a huge amount of life admin, but your ex needs to be responsible for his own side of things (or maybe accept that he doesn't need to know his children's every move on the 5 nights a week he is not with them).

Stop doing the family calendar as he isn’t checking it. Text him ONCE when you receive any new appointments. He can put them into his own damn calendar so he can see them every day. Don’t remind him. It’s his responsibility to keep track of the appointments. The counsellor wanted you to text him, so you have. Job done!

The idea of counselling with my ex and his wife made me do a full body shudder. YANBU at all

If there's any way you can have a text sent every morning reminding him to check the diary then please do

I'm sure this would be easy to do (recurring reminder via Google Calendar, those b*ggers are impossible to get rid of).

strawberrisc Does it really matter in the context of this thread? You’re as bad as the counsellor!

ColouringPencils ideas are all good - getting text reminders sent to him from dentist and GP school send stuff to him directly as well and only communicating when a weekly activity isn't on not every week.

Perhaps talk to everyone first and get it sent up then say if you go to next meeting - this is now set up - no debate this is how we are going forward.

bigKiteFlying I agree the ex should know, be informed, but not that the op purposefully forgets!

No game playing on her part, she’s the adult here.

How old are the children? Do you really still need this level of contact with him?

Make appointments for your days, he doesn't need to know the details.

If he won't remember sports kits, send them into school the day before.

If the kids get a party invite for dad's weekend, they need to ask him about it.
If he doesn't let them do things on his days, the teenagers will soon vote with their feet and stop visiting him.

If the private maintenance arrangement isn't working, formalise it.

bigKiteFlying and calendar is working, ex isn’t!

Does anyone else use the calendar OP? If grandparents, children, child minder, can look at it, then ex looks a fool if he doesn’t.

it's not working becuase her ex doesn't want it to - so she need to try something else.

No she doesn’t!

TBH - if the dentist and Gp can do text messages directly to ex and not involve her at all that would be best.

(DC Primary school did claim they could only do one mobile number per household)

Then he knows and if he needs more information can take the the initiative phone Op up.

I get a text message from the surgery. Ask if this can be sent to both parents.

Yes this!

Let ex start interacting with society about his own children.

Make a complaint about the counsellor.

Stop going to counselling - he only wants to go so someone can tell you that you are wrong. his wife being there too is ridiculous.

Drop him from the calendar as it isn't working. Instead have your children text him with anything that affects them "hey dad i have forest school on thursday". text him yourself with gp appointments etc. Have the school text/email him with anything else same as they do you. Your children are old enough to manage their own calendars anyway - not sure how old the youngest is but surely a child should know what kit they need for school?

Explain to your children that you are telling their dad everything he needs to know and they might want to remind him themselves about important things like concerts etc. Then stop communicating with him other than smiles at handover and any substantive conversation about your children - eg education/health/plans for the future. That should reduce the stress considerably. My guess is the stress your son is picking up on is because your ex is still reaching into your life and trying to control bits of it. if that stops, the stress will stop.

"forgetting" to pay maintenance is a way of reminding you that he is giving you money. He seems to forget it is money to rear his children. What a nasty piece of work he is.

YANBU at all, OP. I agree with many other here that your ex is a lazy-arse bully and all-roung useless parent who is still expecting you to do wife-work even though you are not his bloody wife, and that the counsellor is just as bad.

smallfootpercy - well no if she happy with all the stress and the negatiove impact on her children that led her to trying sessions with her and and his new wife then no doing nothing is the way to go.

He isn'ty going to change - if she want some change then she need to try something else. You can't control how others act only how you react to them.

Honestly OP taking a huge step back, ,making sure people deal directly with ex and getting DC to deal with their dad and not via her seems best to me.

The ex is completly in the wrong - but the OP choice is keep doing what she is and live with the stress or try something esle that may reduce the stress on her and her children. She shouldn't have to but in reality nothing will change if she doesn't.

smallfootpercy I don't think we will agree here.

Send the counsellor a copy of "Wifework" with a Jackie Fleming postcard inside (perhaps one of the housework ones) saying "I don't think your sessions are helping me much, so I won't be coming to any more."

I think that you should see a different councellor as this one is biased and sexist. Having a "family calendar" which he needs to access seems overly complicated as it means people have to look at more than one calandar . I put everyone's appointments on a google calendar and send DH an "invitation" which he then puts in his own calendar. It's much simpler as it doesn't involve people looking at multiple calendars and as you will have sent him an e mail he can't argue that he has not been reminded. He can set up his own.

Going against the grain but I would scrap the diary and just send the text. Job do. I don’t understand the drama over it all. Me and ex regularly text about events and details and he often remembers before hand.

Complain about the councillor that is entirely inappropriate

and make it clear that your responsibility stops with the calendar