To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

[DiaryStrife]

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

I agree with so many of the posts on this thread, and hope they give you the strength to change the weight of all this on you.

It’s NOT your responsibility to do any of this. But sadly, it has been in other people’s interests to support this man in holding you to account and controlling you in this way.

So you’re going to have to be tough at the beginning, and hold out to other people’s pressure when you change the status quo.

But it starts with you truly believing that it’s not your responsibility to do all this. It’s just not.

Ensure anyone who may need to contact you about kids (clubs, school, doctor, dentist, optician, after school club) has his mobile and email too. Your ex should do this himself but you could do it for him to make sure it happens. Ask that everything is sent to both of you. Keep your own calendar (either the app but without him on it or whatever you prefer). He can organise his own calendar. No biggie. You only need to contact him if there is something unexpected eg, a new club you’ve organised as he will get all other reminders that you get.

Oh and CMS for maintenance, especially if you think he’s lying about his income.

Actually even for a new club you should also give his contact details.

Why don’t you just give him
the full responsibility of the calendar. He can communicate with DC, find out when appointments are, take in the school
letters etc.

That way, he’ll know when everything is.
You can offer him a ‘compromise’ by saying you won’t expect reminder texts.

It's not surprised that a joint calendar is not working. I think that it would be a pain to check the calendar every day for updates. Even if he does he could surely easily miss something. It would be easier to use an just to have your own calendar that sends him a notification when something has been added that he could then put in his own calendar.

He can't argue that you haven't told him and it will keep communication to a minimum.

Ensure anyone who may need to contact you about kids (clubs, school, doctor, dentist, optician, after school club) has his mobile and email too.

How will that work? Communication is usually by letter or in the case of the GP/dentist by the parent making an appointment.

I’ve found that blamers, and that is what he is, blame anyone and everyone. If the school and clubs have his details and he doesn’t get contacted or doesn’t read their emails, he will blame them and probably still blame you.

Try to grey rock. Give everyone who needs it his contact details (or send him a list and tell him to do it himself) and when he texts with “I didn’t know about x”, the correct answer is either silence or “right”.

It is not your job.

Fuck me. Genuinely prepared, on the title alone, to write 'you're the common denominator'...but YOU ARE A SAINT.

They can both fuck off. You're not your ex's mum, and really, I'm surprised the counsellor is being one-sided. They're not supposed to agree with a 'side'.

Try to grey rock. Give everyone who needs it his contact details (or send him a list and tell him to do it himself) and when he texts with “I didn’t know about x”, the correct answer is either silence or “right”.

How will that help? Schools/clubs don't contact parents by telephone when there is an event. The children will be given one letter to give to their parent. GPs/dentists don't contact parents to make appointments either. The parents contact them.

Dungeondragon15

A letter? Contact by telephone? What are you talking about?

All our clubs send out mass emails to parents, both DH and I (married, live together) are on the list. We both get the same information. School too sends stuff to both of us. No telephone call needed lol!

All our clubs send out mass emails to parents, both DH and I (married, live together) are on the list. We both get the same information. School too sends stuff to both of us. No telephone call needed lol!

That isn't how it works at my DD's schools. We get one letter. Sometimes the information is in an e mail as well (sent at the end of each week) but even then they only send to one parent and they are expected to forward it.

And doctors/dentist are certainly not contacting parents by phone about appointments. It's the other way around. The hospital sends out one letter too.

And doctors/dentist are certainly not contacting parents by phone about appointments.

Ours sends out text reminders for booked appointments. Dentist send outs out reminders via text and e-mail to book appointments every six month or earlier if there is something on their system saying earlier is needed.

Hospitals - depends on hospital and department but my parents certainly get text reminders about appointments.

Schools all three my children have been at - use letters but usually also send out e-mails, texts and or used systems like weduc.

Groups use texts, facebook,whatsapp groups - only one that doesn't is Scouts and it usually verbal to the child with odd letter - we have lots of experince with miscommunication with them.

Dungeondragon15

Oh I didn’t realise the OP’s children went to the same school as yours.

Our dentist sends reminders by text.

bigKiteFlying Yes, I don’t know anywhere that doesn’t communicate en masse. It makes no difference to them to add an extra parent to the list. OP’s ex can fill in his own calendar, find out the information for himself.

My dentist, doctor, paediatrician, vet, ds's school, optometrist all send reminders and appointment confirmation by text.

Since it's too much for him to check just simplify things by giving him information about this that affect contact days.
If your DC want to see friends on those days tell him and can he speak to DC about it.
Get him copied into school letters or copy then to emails,get him to organise being included onto parent information web sites if school uses them or text messages.Thus means that he will know every Thursday us forest school and will get info from school if it is cancelled.If he forgets and school call you redirect them to him if it is his contact day.
Good luck and start to withdraw.

Ours sends out text reminders for booked appointments. Dentist send outs out reminders via text and e-mail to book appointments every six month or earlier if there is something on their system saying earlier is needed.

My GP doesn't send out anything. The dentist phones one week before the appointment and apart from the fact that they only phone one parent, it is a bit unfair to let them know one week in advance when the appointment was made six months in advance.

Hospitals - depends on hospital and department but my parents certainly get text reminders about appointments.

The hospital I go to send out one reminder a week before but as the letter goes out often weeks before that seems unfair to let the other parent know so late too.

Schools all three my children have been at - use letters but usually also send out e-mails, texts and or used systems like weduc.

Mine just send letters and occasionally one e mail to one parent.

Oh I didn’t realise the OP’s children went to the same school as yours.

I could say the same about your comment. Regardless, the reminders come just before the appointment and not when the appointments were made.

Dungeondragon15 are you just looking for reasons the OP has to be a puppet? Your school will only ever tell ONE parent anything and one parent only, no exceptions, so the OP has to be a slave?!

As PP suggested, give the father the contact details of the places and he can ask to be sent info or ring and get it.

OP, it’s not your job.

Dungeondragon15 are you just looking for reasons the OP has to be a puppet? Your school will only ever tell ONE parent anything and one parent only, no exceptions, so the OP has to be a slave?!

No I am suggesting that your comments aren't helpful to OP. She clearly doesn't like the aggro she is getting from her ex or the fact that he doesn't turn up for things so why suggest something that may cause more grief and probably won't work anyway. It will be a pain to inform everyone anyway and the fact is that even if she does there are still many providers (based on my experience) that will only contact one parent and those who do remind often only do it just before hand so she will be in the same situation as now.

The easiest thing for her is to to have her calendar on an app that sends him invitations such as google calendar. He will then get the appointments when she does and can then sort out his own calendar.

Dungeondragon15 My son's school generally sends out stuff to one parent, but if the parents are separated, they send it to both. Most schools will do this, and have done for ages.

I bet if you spoke to your school, these sort of arrangements will be in place. It's just that if you don't need them, you won't think about them....

I don't bother contacting my ex about the DCs. Some stuff they want to keep private, and some stuff the school sends him copies of. And the DCs are perfectly able to communicate themselves (are 18 and 15 now).

The counselor doesn’t sound like a productive activity.

I am personally a big fan of shared calendars. I actually admin one for one of Dd’s groups and she has several others. Even our school runs one. The biggest perk is that they can be synced to your phone. Irrespective of your ex, I would switch to one that has a calendar that can be synced. It will make your own life easier.

I bet if you spoke to your school, these sort of arrangements will be in place. It's just that if you don't need them, you won't think about them....

I remember being told to nominate a parent so I don't think so. Regardless, whatever the school do, hospital appointment etc are only sent to one parent. Maybe they would send the reminder to both but as this is usually just before it's not that useful.
Also as you say, the DCs may not even want them to receive every single communication. It is easier just to put them on a calendar which sends him a notification to put on his own calendar.