To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

[DiaryStrife]

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

This is how the bullies get away with it. He can even manipulate the counsellor with his “I’m too busy and important” crap and people on here are saying the OP “has to” try something else because the twat won’t look at a calendar.

I’d walk out and find a better counselor or ditch it completely.

How dare he?! He’s not a child. Of course you shouldn’t be reminding him. My Ex used to complain if I didn’t remind him too. He was rubbish. In the end I ditched all diaries, and left Ex and DS to work it out when he was 15. It had caused so much tension. Surprise surprise Ex hardly books anything and leaves most of it up to DS. I feel sorry for DS, I tell him clearly it’s his Dads responsibility to organize and I will accomodate. Our kids need to see us be assertive too.

Many counselors have major weaknesses. I walked out of a session once. My DP was laying into me verbally, he wouldn’t stop. He’d intimidated the counselor and she just let him. I never went back. Shame as a good counselor can do good.

Just because they have certifications doesn’t immune them to siding with abusive exes. It’s such a grey area our emotions, social side, that a counselor is often just as vulnerable as us sometimes and will choose sides unconsciously.

I’d also say, that it was brave and good of you to do this in the first place but with your DP and his wife there are too many on one side already.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is” And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

I would also report this. Feed it back to the counselor first having got advice from a counseling nationally respected organization. Give them a chance to rectify it.

If u gave in and sent reminders he forget one time then he will blame it on you that you never reminded him. This is so he doesnt have to bother reading diary and gets to make it more hassle to you and if you do agree, then forget to remind him he gets to blame it on that. The absolute PA tool!

OP, another thing to think about.

If your DCs are deemed competent by the doctor, then if the DCs don't want their dad to know about GP appointments, he doesn't have to be told.

EG, my DD didn't want her dad knowing about appointments for contraception. She has all the classic signs of endometriosis, and the contraception coil is for managing this as a first step. Her choice not to tell her dad, and I'm certainly not going to interfere there.

Similarly, DS has had MH issues, he told CAMHS he didn't want his dad knowing. They put a note on his file not to tell him anything.

If the DC ever want to tell EX, it'll be their choice, and having made their choices I'm not going behind their backs to tell him.

Suggest he does the diary and you make do without a reminder. See - you've compromised ;)

Suggest he reminds you to remind him?

I would scrap the diary and just send the text.

That's now making every single appointment OP's responsibility.
We are talking about an auto text (auto email would be easier TBH) that is not sent by the OP but by a machine.

One of the OP's children is 4 and therefore cannot text on their own behalf. And children shouldn't be reminding parents of their appointments unless the child makes them themself.

I would suggest:
Switch to Google Calendar, then you can get it to send him emails.
If he still doesn't get it, get an auto email sent every morning saying "remember to check your child's calendar for upcoming appointments".
Cancel the counsellor.
If your DC is upset by your and your ex's interactions, stop having them. Arrange drop off/pick up at school or via a third party.

(Oh and if your DC is upset by something that happened in the past, the DC would probably be better having the counselling. You aren't in an ongoing relationship with your ex, why would you and he have counselling together?)

Suggest he does the diary and you make do without a reminder.
Oh nice one.

I would stop the calendar and the counselling. I'd not go to the next session and say you forgot. Why didn't you remind me stupid ex h?

Sending a text for everything the OP does with her children is ridiculous. She divorced him (or he her) so life isn’t simple anymore for anyone.

Remember he had said he wants to know about appointments that he is not attending also.

The OP prefers the calendar (I think) and as she’s doing it, it’s her choice.

Or, ex can ask for information or get it from source (dentist, school, children).

But yes, if it can be automated, job done.

If you let your ex be an administrator for the calendar also, would he mess it up for spite as he is doing other things OP?

How old are the DC? I dint think the counselling is useful for you and clearly it is not working so it won't resolve your DS issues. How about the DC making your ex aware of things they need for school if they are old enough. Your DD is obviously a teen so is quite capable of talking to your ex about things needing doing etc. Your ex is treating you like his PA. I would be disengaging and certainly not reminding him of things

CMS takes a cut of the maintenance so I’d rather not go through them. Tbf to him he does sometimes remember. It’s about 75/25

You’re obviously ok with how things are then. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Personally I’d take the hit on CMS fees for the pleasure of never having to grovel to him for money again, that’d be worth any deductions. And you believe he’s earning what he tells you he’s earning?

Formal complaint about the counsellor. For a start there should never be an ex-husband, new wife, ex-wife in counselling. The power dynamic is completely one-sided. I find it utterly ridiculous that any reputable counsellor would have allowed this in the first place. His lack of neutrality and impartiality are also highly inappropriate and need to be addressed.

And those suggesting the children remind their Dad about their appointments - OP please do not do this. The children should not be drawn into their parents' disfunctions and disagreements.

I'm sure its been said already but the obvious compromise is that you will txt to remind him of stuff you have added when he starts txting you to remind you of stuff he has added.

Seeing as that will never happen you will agree that everyone needs to be responsible for themselves and leave is there.

My mind is blown that 7 years after divorce you are sitting in councillor with your ex and his wife while they all berate you for not looking after him .

Why is this continuing?
Who is paying for it?

M3lon Yes, this is why I asked if the ex had admin privileges or whether he would purposefully mess it up if he did.

I don't think Counselling for all 3 of you was ever a good idea. I think after 7years it's too little too late & an unfair dynamic that's weighted toward two against one. If he can't follow the calendar then he misses out, tough. You aren't his PA. I'd forget a joint calendar, only because he's used it to create an issue. Keep your own & just send texts to him, with no reminders.

@smallfootpercy
strawberrisc Does it really matter in the context of this thread?

Yes, it really does.

Whatever you decide OP, do what is easiest for YOU. Texts, calendar, automated texts, whatever. As long as you tell him (with an electronic or paper trail, not verbally) job done.

strawberrisc it was a throwaway word in a title.

The OP has abusive ex who is using the children as pawns in a game and a counsellor who needs to be retrained.

What is more important?

Yet you tried to derail the thread by shaming her. You didn’t even say why you thought she had used the word incorrectly. No one else has been so pedantic. It does not answer the OP’s query.

If it is important TO YOU then perhaps you could send her a message or post a decent explanation instead of just alluding to something that YOU feel is important so you can shame her on a thread about abuse. 🙄

Nope don’t start sending texts, like PPs have mentioned it’s all about control and before you know it the goal posts have moved again.

...unless as a PP mentioned before you set a daily text reminder to check the calendar to be sent to him at 5am everyday 😈

There is a £20 set up fee for CMS and thereafter no charge unless your ex keeps 'forgetting' to pay. In which case he will be charged an additional 20% and you will have 4% deducted. But he won't not pay when the CMS are following him up. It's you he enjoys dicking around. Your ex is a wanker and the counsellor needs reporting to his employer or professional body. Or both.