Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

288 replies

DiaryStrife · 15/10/2018 09:32

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
Starlight345 · 16/10/2018 14:31

I would make claim with cms .

Sit there one issue resolved so long as he pays no need to mention money again.

Starlight345 · 16/10/2018 14:32

Sorry also meant to ask my ex wanted his mum at mediation . I refused.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/10/2018 15:41

The diary is a tool of control and coercion. The diary isn’t the problem.

Totally agree with this!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/10/2018 15:57

I know people are trying to be helpful, although it’s interesting how many posts are about how to solve not OPs issue (being ganged up on and having to not only tell Ex every single tiny thing but remind him to view it too) and it all panders to Exes control issues.

A) it’s not Exes business - day to day dental appointments etc. He doesn’t bear responsibility for these. He has nothing to do with them. He has no ‘right’ to be informed. He is not co parenting these. If he wants to co parent one if these, he should ask OP.
B) it’s up to Ex to keep up to date with his contact arrangements, no one else’s.
C) the kids are old enough to tell their Dad what they want.
D) if any of this is about being better co parents, then Ex should ask to meet with OP and support her in her role, in a supportive way. OP should be able to do the same. If not then he should leave OP to parent in her time (and clearly not as Ex doesn’t seem to actually have a reason for knowing everything, it’s not productive).

thefourgp · 16/10/2018 16:31

Your ex sounds very like mine. I know you think all the compromises, counselling, jumping through hoops is easier than dealing with his anger/control issues but it’s not. He’s continuing to control you through the children. I went via CMS for child care and it’s the only reason he pays it every month. I blocked him from all social media, emails, phone etc. I bought a pay as you go mobile he can contact me on if there’s any emergency on the rare occasions he has the children. If he wants to know about their school, hobbies etc he can ask them or the school. I know it’s hard to hear but your efforts to be fair and reasonable are enabling him to make your life difficult. He is not fair or reasonable and he’s never going to change. My ex is forever putting stuff on social media about how much he loves his kids and making out he’s a great dad but it’s a lie. When we were together he’d take photos off my phone of things I’d done with the kids and post it pretending it was he who did it with them. He refuses to take them to school, hobbies, speech therapy etc. He sometimes refuses to take them if there’s a football match or golf tournament he wants to watch on the day he’s meant to have them. The children will realise through time what a horrible person and bad father he is. It’s not your job to make him a better father. Please stop trying. You’re fighting a losing battle. The counsellor is clearly bad at their job. Complain about him and don’t give him another chance to take your ex husbands side against you. Xx

Badreception · 16/10/2018 16:34

My dentist texts both me and DH with appointments. Hospital? Don’t know, but hopefully that isn’t a regular occurance.

Badreception · 16/10/2018 16:35

With the children’s appointments that is! They remind us both because I asked them to.

Kr1stina · 16/10/2018 17:31

Excellent post ThefourGP

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/10/2018 20:02

Exactly @thefourgp very good post.

AnoukSpirit · 17/10/2018 09:31

Abuse is about control, not violence. Any competent therapist would know this and would not have attempted joint counselling.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

WineGummyBear · 17/10/2018 09:34

Misogynistic counsellor enabling misogynistic exH.

At least you can report the counsellor!

Frannibananni · 17/10/2018 09:39

Just send him a calendar gif everyday to remind him to check the calendar. Job done Confused

FinallyHere · 17/10/2018 09:45

I agree he is being an £&)@ and the councillor is not being professional.

Most calendars can send a copy of each appointment to more than one email address. Send a copy to his 'main diary' and expect him to react instantaneously, for his children as he would for work.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page