To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

[DiaryStrife]

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

You shouldn't have to remind him, that's what the mother fecking diary is for!
Is there any way of setting it to send the lazy git an alert like Outlook does?

They’re lucky you do all this for them in the first place. You are divorced - I know married people who don’t involve the other parent as much as this. Yanbu.

Never have joint counselling with an abuser.
You are being completely reasonable in providing all the information in the family diary. You are doing all the work.
It is not up to you to remind your ex when he has the informstion already.
Stop the joint counselling.
Contact Women's Aid and do the freedom programme.

If his current wife also has access to the shared calendar, why doesn't she remind him, if he needs a wife to handle his appointments?! If you are divorced, you passed that baton, surely?

Not that I think men need to have their wives acting as their PA, but if someone 'has' to do it, it should be the one currently in role, not the one who has left the job!

Jesus wept. Even as an ex wife you're expected to do the wife work.

Counsellor is handling it incorrectly.

I would reconsider my position, by not going back to this counsellor. It is utterly ridiculous. The whole point of a fecking diary is to keep track of stuff. What next? Wipe his arse?

Yes, Outlook and Google Calendar have the option to set an alert for an event. I imagine most calendars can do that.

YANBU btw. He should be able to check the calendar himself.

Exdh is an arse. Stop attending counselling with him and his wife! I am going to make an assumption that his arrogant attitude was there while you were married and bordering on abusive which is not recommended to attend joint counselling.

Get your solicitor to send him a letter stating that as the calendar is accessible to everyone you have no more of a responsibility to remind him of events than he does to check it. Let the new wife check it if they are that bothered.

She refuses to get involved, which I kind of agree with, I didn’t want the bloody job either!

That is one shit counsellor.

Ths counsellor is unprofessional and very inappropriate.

YANBU.

If it was me, I'd be finding out a way to get it to send him alerts and reminders every 30 minutes for the week running up to the event. All the events. I know you can do something like that with Google calendar.

YANBU to not want to do the wifework for someone whose wife you no longer are. No woman IBU to not want to do wifework full stop! He's a grown man, it's not hard. I'd be angry too.

You need to speak to the counsellor in private about this before next week. Tell him what he did. He should be mortified. (Is he intimidated by your ex?)

N

She refuses to get involved, which I kind of agree with, I didn’t want the bloody job either!

Well he can just do his own donkey work then. Report the counsellor as well because they should not be making anyone feel ganged up on or unreasonable. The nodding may have been an involuntary "I'm listening" kind of thing but it's giving your exh validation that what he says is correct.

Switch to a female councilor. No woman would consider it reasonable to be expected to remind her ex husband if appointments that she has already made him aware of. When you go to your next session just ask the councilor but why should I? And keep reaoeting why should i be the one who takes responsibility for his actions. If he still doesn't get it ask whether you are your ex's mother, secretary etc.

Ex’s reasoning being forgetting is:

He has a very busy business and this isn’t his main diary

I “only” work 3 days whereas he and his wife work a very full week, ergo I have more spare time (expect for those 4 kids I’m raising)

I occasionally put things in at short notice (DC asking to sleep at a mates or a doctors appointment) and even if he transfers everything at once he would still miss out on this info unless he “checks everyday”...which presumably is what most people do with a diary!

He’s too busy to look at his children’s diary.

Right.

I would actually stop doing the diary. He can organise to be kept in the loop with schools etc if he really wants to.

I cannot begin to comprehend why you’d agree to this in the first place. Stop going.

Then...he needs to 'compromise' by checking every day, doesn't he?

Oh dear god. You have the wrong counsellor. He's an adult and a parent and should not need reminding about anything at all to do with his children. You are already doing more than enough work updating a calendar (I won't even do that) and he simply needs to access it.

I suspect you will need to do a vote of no-confidence in the counsellor and if he wants to continue, find someone else. Is it Relate? A complaint might be worthwhile if Relate because their counsellors should know better. A bog standard counsellor may not have had training in family separation issues and as such, isn't able to see the wood for the trees. This really should be a non-issue. Please take heart it is not you.

I personally would report this to the professional body as being completely unacceptable.

Your Councillour should be looking at improving the dynamics between you not facilitating a short term easy life for your ex. Jeeze.

I'd cut off all contact except anything vital, i.e. to do with the children.

Your ex is a big boy, he can check an on-line diary himself, he doesn't need spoon fed two days in advance of anything that is going on.

He/the counsellor expects you to do all the work to get him to things. You have already put effort into doing the calendar, it is not fair on you to have to do even more work, it is your ex's turn to put some effort in. Does the counsellor think you have to do all the work and your ex none of it? Surely that should have stopped when the marriage ended?

Sack them all off, I wouldn't trust the counsellor again either.

Or he could text you everyday to see if there is anything he needs to do and you could text back, look in the diary.

And yes, report.