To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

[DiaryStrife]

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

Can you automatically set a reminder for calendar events? I can in my google calendar. If so, and you are going to the effort to colour code but not set reminders (you can even turn it on as a default) then I think you could be more helpful.

If they are actually expecting you to manually remind him of everything , then yes, they are being VU and this is very much where I would want to plant my flag.

Plus it may help if you say that despite reminders being available 24 hours a day if he bothered to open them (the calendar) the EX still manages to send the children in to school without forest school gear.

Re that, let the school know the days your ex has had them. They will get pushed off with him v quickly. You could put a message on your phone on those days (just for school number) giving out his number??

It's not the forgetting that's the problem - it's the blame. The lack of accepting the consequences and pushing it on to Op.

I do agree a teenager needs to be discussing plans with her father and if he says no, she can choose not to go. He needs to feel some direct consequences rather than blaming op for mismanagement of a dairy.

4 dc at various schools with shared care and all the brings require good communication but it has to be equal. It's clearly not here. I would pull back. 7 years of weekly text reminders for payment is ridiculous and totally enables him to continue this sort of nonsense.

I would stop the counselling, stop the diary and stop stressing over him. Let go. You cannot control other people, only the way you respond to them.

I'd simply change the calendar app you use to a Google/Outlook one if it doesn't auto-send reminders, and set it to send him multiple reminders. Hourly perhaps.
Job done.

Stop updating the diary because he openly stated that he never looks at it. Perhaps you can email him once a week with important stuff for the week ahead only. He should be able to remember appointments for the following week.

I still don’t grasp how forgetting = controlling.

It isn't the forgetting that's controlling, it's him trying to make OP responsible for negating his 'forgetfulness'. A competent adult, who is capable of managing his work diary, could easily have set his own reminder to check his dc's diary/have it written on his daily 'to do' list. Instead of taking steps to manage the issue, he is saying that OP should use her time, her energy and her text allowance sending him daily reminders i.e. if he doesn't know then it's her fault and she's to blame if the dc can't go/do/have the right kit. He's trying to force her to be the default parent instead of being the co-parent.

^^ Sorry, reminders 48h ahead, but with 4 dc and so many clubs/appointments it will be close to daily.

He is a narcissist and you are still enabling him. You are divorced 7 years, he has remarried. Why are you still even communicating with him? It is his or his new wife's responsibility (I'm only saying new wife since she is married to a narcissist and she is probably taking on all the mental load) to look after the DC when they are with them, not yours. You really need to let go, he is using your need for control as a way to stay in control of you.

AS for your DS - tell him your new plan, dad is in charge of what happens when they are at dad's house, you are in charge at your house. DS will have to learn to live with this until he is old enough to decide where he wants to be. No more negotiating with DS, sounds like exDH is using him to get at you.

AS for your DD, she will have to argue with her dad to get out on the nights she is with him - that is not your job, you divorced the controlling twat 7 years ago.

Explain to your DC, leave it at that an move on - you may want advice from some of the more experience women on the relationships or divorce forums.

And do not go back to counselling, report the counsellor, that is unprofessional.

Well your XH sounds like an arse and the counsellor unprofessional. I'm not sure I can see the point of the counselling in the first place. Get out of it - its clearly not going to improve relationships at all. It really sounds pointless.

The main point is that he shouldn't need constant reminding of everything - him and the kids should also take some responsibility to remember that they need to pack forest kit up for school - if they go to their Dad on a regular day surely its a regular thing. Relying on you to remind everyone really isn't right. He's a parent too and they need to learn to be organised too. I've always felt my kids had to be way more organised because their parents were divorced remembering what to take for 2 days of school if they were swapping houses. (In the end they stop doing that in late teens as its so much of a faff during exams).

The calendar sounds very organised. I guess with 4 DC there is quite a lot more to remember. I only have 2 DC so I just forwarded my XH the school calendar and subsequent emails and did do the ocassional text to remind him. But I honestly think it was a lot less effort than doing a calendar. But your kids obviously have a lot of activities.

Surely you can use the calendar to suggest he shares more of the activities - dentist appointments etc. From the calendar presumably you can add up the total amount of time you are doing things and he is doing things and suggest he contributes more - since he so desperately needs to know when things are going on.

And couldn't he pay maintenance monthly? Surely that would be much easy as a regular direct debit. Then no one needs reminding.

Experienced

Oh and go to CMS - people like your DH should never be left to their own devices when it comes to maintenance. You should not have to grovel for him to pay for his own DC.

He absolutely insists on knowing about every GP/dentist appt although he isn’t expected to come. So if DD has an appt and I haven’t told him I’ll get a message asking why I didn’t let him know, so they are in the diary too.

Have you not tried a breezy oh routine - forgot to mention it - nothing wrong all fine - now you know - reponse?

Is he really after date and times or a general knowlege they are getting denatal and medical treatement and checkup as needed.

If I'm taking Dc to dentist/GP without DH I'll often send a quick text to let him know everything is fine or not - takes less effort than mainatining a calander.

You're already going above and beyond for him.

I'd report the counsellor, too. Seriously unprofessional to suggest you do the wife work for a man you're divorced from! And h'es remarried to boot!

If he's that determined to have a woman do his thinking and timekeeping (so he doesn't forget his own children and their activities), he can tell his new wife to do it.

Pathetic man.

I have not read the full thread so apologies if this has already been said, but could you just invite him to his ‘events’ through outlook, or google and send the invite to his main email, it would appear in his work calendar that way.

I’m not sure what your hoping to get from joint counselling, but it sounds a bit like you both as stubborn as each other - he’s being an awkward git by not looking and you are taking a stand when there is a fairly easy workaround that I’ve mentioned above. I can kind of get a sense of where the counsellor is coming from.

Is he really after date and times or a general knowlege they are getting denatal and medical treatement and checkup as needed.

Or just making the OP jump through hoops because he can?

He's a twat.

Teenager needs to go direct to him. Does she want to go there? Maybe time for her to stop.

You need to let him fail. You're just not responsible for him. If school rings you, politely explain that he is responsible on x and y days. In fact , let them know in advance what drop off and pick you are both responsible for. It won't be anything new to them.

Without criticising him, tell the dc that you can't make him do anything. Not his teacher or boss. They will have to step up or initially miss out.

2 nights a week? Plus weekends? Does this work for you?

Oh my gosh, OP, this has made me feel sick for you reading this. How on earth do you cope with this level of contact and control?

I really think you need to go to Women's Aid with this and talk it through with someone who is on your side.

You cannot be "friendly" for your DCs sakes with someone who treats you with such utter contempt as he is doing.

smallfootpercy I suspect so - but a quick text or a breezy oh I forgot means the OP isn't responsing to the constant you need to jump this high of her ex.

It's not unreasonaable for a parent to want to know about medical stuff about their kids - so quick short text keeping the informed or a brush off oh well it was routine and now you know means that ex is kept informed.

Hi, sorry if someone has said this.

Is the app Cozi? If so an upgrade to gold will email changes automatically for additions or changes to the calendar.

If he wants to treat you like a pa why don't you agree and say it will be £25 per text message 😂😂😂

You anbu stick to your guns. What a git!

bigKiteFlying Thing is, the “I forgot” texts from the op are ammunition. The calendar was a good workaround, it’s not working for the ex, so the ex needs to fail to let society (school, kids etc) teach him how to parent. Not the OP. The OP is doing an awesome job.

DiaryStrife
Find out who your counsellors supervisor and governing body are, and report him.
He should not have continued with counselling once he became aware that your ex is this controlling, and he should not be supporting him.

He's a total dick and so is the counsellor for enabling him.

You're no longer his wife, so you don't need to do wifework for him.
Your teen daughter will be able to make up her own mind soon about whether or not she visits him at weekends, if she has parties to go to, so he won't be able to veto her going much longer.

Your DC may have to start being more responsible for their own activities (e.g. in the case of forest school) - which is a bit shit for them but they're going to have to learn to do it sooner or later anyway, so might as well be sooner.

Take the power back off him - he's trying to make you jump through hoops of his making at the moment, and the counsellor is letting him.

So you have reconsidered your position. Options for him If he needs reminding

1. he can look at the diary 3 times a day. He has access to the information. His children are worth it.
2. new wife can check again the children are worth it.
3. he can find options for a new system that auto reminds that he claims he needs which you will look at and not be unreasonable about.

You are “angry” because after putting so much work in the diary, raising 4 DC and going to work, you really don’t have more time because he can’t be bothered to look at the diary or suggest a new diary that fits his requirements of reminders.