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Original poster

To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

288 replies

DiaryStrife · 15/10/2018 09:32

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
Sarahani · 15/10/2018 10:44

Ok from what you've written he is is a dive and controlling and the diary is just a tool to continue with that of you and the DC's.

Stop the dairy. If he won't get your DD go to dinners/parties he needs to discuss that with her and they need to thrash that out themselves. She's old enough to refuse to see him.

Unfortunately you can't protect them from who he is. But you can
Show your DD & the DC's that you won't be bullied/coerced/emotionally blackmailed and explain why this is wrong and not how we treat people.

Andro · 15/10/2018 10:44

How is this NOT actually the OP who is controlling? Or trying to anyway!

The OP takes the time and trouble to do a colour coded diary, this is so that her xh know what is happening with his dc, when and with whom. The only thing her xh needs to do is look at the diary, he chooses not to look (and yes, it's a choice! He could easily set an alarm on his phone to remind himself to check).

Refusing to be her xh administrative assistant is not controlling, it's taking back control of her own time. OP has ensured the relevant information is easily available, her xh controls his own awareness of it.

Seaweed42 · 15/10/2018 10:45

Playing devil's advocate, what is this Shared Calendar keeping alive for you or why is it so significant that he keeps in contact with it frequently?
This Calendar wouldn't be playing so important a role here...if it didn't have such an important role.
The Calendar is a forum for you to send messages to your exDH. It is a channel of communication with your exDH.
At the same time it is reaching into his business and his affairs that is being done by you personally.
I'm not saying that this sort of admin or communication doesn't need to be done to manage your household. I'm not being unsupportive. I think the counsellor is seeing that there is more to the calendar for you, but is going about it in a way that makes you feel attacked. Having the wife there too must make it feel 3 against 1.

badg3r · 15/10/2018 10:45

This is beyond ridiculous on both of their parts! If he is so busy at work...
I looked up a lot of ways that I could set up reminders and the easiest is to do it by email... so perhaps to be sure XH doesn't miss out on anything and disappoint the kids I could set up alerts to his work calendar which he definitely is able to check...
Then put the alerts to send every time you change something and make a few changes each day.

Or, call his PA (if he has one) every morning...
XH is unable to check his personal calendar because it is too complicated so can you please tell him little jimmy has swimming at 4 and his dentist appointment has been shifted to Tuesday...

Realistically though I would tell them politely both to do one, is he really that disinterested in his own kids that he doesn't even think "oh I wonder what they're doing today"? The counsellor is being ridiculous too, I would definitely complain in writing.

smallfootpercy · 15/10/2018 10:46

If his wife (is she embarrassed sitting there watching him be a bully?) wants nothing to do with the calendar, then she shouldn’t be there for the discussions.

You really need to address the head nodding thing with testy counsellor though. I would bring it up with him before you make an official complaint. You need to shift the balance here. Can you ring him today?

fanomoninon · 15/10/2018 10:46

x-posted with your update. Yeah, he's a controlling arse! I would ask to have a separate session with the councillor to explain your concerns, and ask why he thinks that the compromise should come from you when you are the one actively communicating already. And decide upon whether you go forward with counselling based on his response. I would also deal within counselling with what info does and doesn't need to go in the diary. My best guess is he is using 'forgetting' to look at the diary to control you :-( Well done for making him an ex, btw.

smallfootpercy · 15/10/2018 10:49

testy counsellor = twatty counsellor

Onecutefox · 15/10/2018 10:51

Maybe the counsellor could send your ex a reminder?

I would change the counsellor as she sounds impartial and ridiculous.

GabsAlot · 15/10/2018 10:51

dont know why youre even entertaining councelling or keeping him up to date with a diary
bin both of them

GabsAlot · 15/10/2018 10:55

cms dont take a cut if you just have it set up as a standing order-is there a reason why he cant do that

YBR · 15/10/2018 10:57

Why is it that when he fails to send the DC out with their kit (Forest school was it?), You have to sort it out.

Make him sort his own mistakes - he needs to be the one dropping work to go into school with forgotten kit. Make it cost HIM something.

smallfootpercy · 15/10/2018 10:57

is there a reason why he cant do that

There’s a reason he won’t do that, he wants to say “jump” and the OP have to do it for her family money.

BobLemon · 15/10/2018 10:57

I still don’t grasp how forgetting = controlling. He isn’t making the OP do any of this. If this isn’t working after 7 whole years, then it needs to change (or just stop). Why isn’t a teenager being encouraged to make her own arrangements? “I want to go to dinner with the girls on dad’s night”. The answer to that isn’t “I’ll put it in the diary”. It’s “ask your dad”.

smallfootpercy · 15/10/2018 10:58

*Why is it that when he fails to send the DC out with their kit (Forest school was it?), You have to sort it out.

Make him sort his own mistakes - he needs to be the one dropping work to go into school with forgotten kit. Make it cost HIM something*

If he won’t though, the DCs miss out. And so he won’t because he’s a controlling twat.

smallfootpercy · 15/10/2018 10:58

Bold fail, sorry

smallfootpercy · 15/10/2018 11:00

I still don’t grasp how forgetting = controlling

Then you don’t understand the issues. OP isn't here to explain to you, neither am I!

GabsAlot · 15/10/2018 11:00

it is about control as pp have said doesnt matter if he read the diary or not hed find a reason to argue

as for cms you would only lose 4 % he wold pay more if u can afford to do it through them do it

bigKiteFlying · 15/10/2018 11:01

I've refused to do on-line calander for DH.

He keeps double booking despite being shown letters, dates being on home family calander having lots of verbal reminders - has already tried to blame me few times this year but as some of the double book are the DC birthdays I don't think it would help and I could see it then being my fault when things like automated reminders don't trigger.

I'd suggest e-mails and texts or trying to avoid needing his imput at all TBH.

I don't think the counsellor is being very helpful here either.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2018 11:03

It is very good that you have a diary, he is a grown adult and should not be reminded. He needs to check it regularly and take responsibility. I woulden't bother going to the counsellor, they do not sound professional, they have to be impartial, it is obvious he is taking ex side.

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 15/10/2018 11:03

If he has an Admin Assistant or PA, give them the access and they can do the wife work.

Your Ex is a twat and it sounds like the counsellor is enabling him.

Jamiefraserskilt · 15/10/2018 11:04

"The counsellor suggested we hit an impasse last week so I have given it some thought. You have a job requiring a high level of organisational skills and it surprised me that you find the online diary app too complex. I will compromise by requesting that you source a suitable app that suits your requirements and synchronises with your main diary. I will install and update it with the children's appointments.
I will not be sending a weekly text to remind you to transfer over maintenance payments any more as this will no longer be necessary if I add this to the weekly activities.
I am not your mother, your employee or your wife and i want you to share some of those organisational skills to jointly manage your responsibility and obligations to your children."
(The decree absolute did not include clause in the division of assets that ordered that you receive a daily deliver of toilet paper so you could continue to wipe his ass)

bigKiteFlying · 15/10/2018 11:06

I'd be having a word with the school about leaving forest kit at school at start of week or packing stuff in with an overnight kit and reminding child to take it to school. - or having it in school bag for a few days so it's they when they need it.

It's shit but he's not going to change and it manging him with as little impact of the Dc as possible - clanader was a good go at that but it's not working becuase he doesn't want it to.

Seaweed42 · 15/10/2018 11:06

You could continue with the counselling... but at the next meeting, suggest a trial 'No Calendar' for x number of weeks. Say you have taken the Calendar down off the internet as of just before you came in tonight, and therefore you all need to find a new way forward and that you are open to this. You could suggest that one idea is that exDH sets up a calendar, HE shares it with you, and that if you 'have time' you will fill in things.
Then no one can blame your calendar and this might expose his lack of responsibility. If a calendar is the way to go, then if you DH 'owns' the calendar he might attend to it more often.
If he's going to fail as a Dad then you have to let him fail, he can do that without blaming you for not reminding him.

skyesayshi · 15/10/2018 11:07

OP, I agree that it’s not your job to remind him. The counsellor should be asking him why he’s refusing to engage with the calendar.

You need to make the point that you are no longer married to him, he is a grownup, he has a new wife. If she won’t do it why on earth should you.

As my counsellor pointed out

“if he wanted to he would”

he clearly doesn’t want to OP.

Juells · 15/10/2018 11:07

TemptressofWaikiki

I would reconsider my position, by not going back to this counsellor. It is utterly ridiculous. The whole point of a fecking diary is to keep track of stuff. What next? Wipe his arse?

^^ This. You're doing too much - I got brainfreeze just reading about the colour-coding! Ditch the counsellor.