To feel like I’m being gaslighted by counsellor and ex

[DiaryStrife]

Divorced for 7 years. 4 DC. He is remarried.

We’ve had ongoing issues between us for years and in an attempt to fix them so the DC weren’t growing up in a hostile environment we agreed to go to family counselling (him, his wife and me).

One of the main issues is this: we have an online family diary which I am the admin of. Everyone has access to it. I upload all appointments, parents evenings, after school activities, trips and parties to the diary. They are colour coded so everyone knows who is involved in that activity etc etc. We also enter holidays and nights out etc.

Ex frequently forgets or doesn’t turn up for things in the diary. His argument is that I could remind him 48hrs beforehand with a text message. My argument is I’m not his wife, it’s in the diary, he can check and remind himself. He runs a successful business and seems to remember to go to work/quotes and meetings so I don’t see why this is so much hassle.

Counsellor asked me why I didn’t feel it was fair to remind him, I explained, counsellor then says “the thing is we are at an impasse here and someone needs to compromise”

I said it wasn’t going to be me and it was ridiculous that he expected me to do this.

Ex is saying “you see, you see how impossible she is”

And the counsellor is nodding his fucking head!

The sesson ended with me being asked to reconsider my position and come back this week to discuss the issue of why I was so “angry” about this. Was this really where I wanted to “plant my flag”

I feel like I’m going mad ffs.

Please tell me honestly if you think I’m being unreasonable

I would read out something to this effect at the start of the next session. Any other remarks, just repeat ‘it is not my job to organise him, he just has to look at the calendar’.

If counsellor still being a twat. Tell him that he is failing to be impartial and you need another counsellor.

This^^although I would say it on the phone or in person in private to the counsellor because it sounds like he’ll agree with whatever your manipulative ex comes up with.

Does your ex speak to counsellor in private?

His wife should not be there.

Who reminds you of what is in the diary? Nobody? Then why as an adult are you expected to check it but he isn't?

I would speak to the counsellor this week and talk it through. It is not their job to pick sides and I would want an explanation of why you are expected to help your ex husband manage his responsibilities. You are mother to his children, not him!

Ask why he can't just set a reminder on his phone to upload again at, say 7a.m. every morning. Ask bloody counsellor why it's your job to compromise? Is it because you're the woman and its this how he approaches his couple's counselling sessions? The one without the y chromosome is automatically being unreasonable?

There is already a weekly text to remind him to pay the kids maintenance.

No I’m not joking.

Of course he remembers but it just means I have to go cap in hand every week and ask for the kids money. He refuses to set up a direct debit or standing order as he pays it from different accounts.

I’ve taken to just sending gifs now. The wolf of Wall Street one where he’s throwing all the money overboard

Is this calendar thing really the issue here? Why would your son be upset over appointments etc. Are the kids staying with him every second night or something? Are there really that many appointments??
It's not the calendar that is the problem. If you asked your kids what the problem was, they wouldn't say 'because Dad forget to take me to the dentist last week', would they?
Usually kids are upset because one parent is talking about the other in abusive terms or giving out about them.
It's very very very difficult and painful to hear someone you love giving out about another person you love. It is very destructive for the child when one parent tries to make an ally out of the child by talking badly about the incompetence of the other parent. Even something like 'I told you Dad 3 times, he never listens!!' That would really hurt a kid to hear that especially if said in a really angry voice.

I’ve never heard of anyone organing family diaries with their ex and new partner. Are the kids really young? How is custody shared? It just seems a bit over the top to me and too much togetherness with the ex. My ex and I never felt the need to do that but our kids were mainly teens (or just a bit younger) when we separated, are yours quite little?

So much effort on your part to make life easier for him and his wife. I would back right off.

How old are the children? They can tell him if there is a play coming up they want him to attend.

Does he really need to know about a routine gp appt? He doesn't want to know because he doesn't care is my guess. He's busy with 'important' stuff. You can't force him to give shit.

The dcs schools can email The Same stuff as you and he can manage it.

You sound like his PA. Leave him to it. Anything really important. Email him. Once.

'There is already a weekly text to remind him to pay the kids maintenance.'

I'd want this sorted ASAP

As his current wife I'd see you point of view too.

That is outrageous. If it were me I’d refuse to go to any more counselling sessions, continue to do the diary but that’s it. If ex drops the ball and misses something then it will be his problem and his responsibility to explain to his children why he can’t be arsed to look at the diary. And I’d lodge a complaint with the counselling service.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but why don’t you just stop doing the diary. He can get a copy of the school newsletter etc himself .

The diary is just another stick for him to beat you with. You aren’t doing it correctly, he doesn’t like the colours, the reminders come at the wrong time , he doesn’t like the ring tone.

It will never be good enough for him.

I love that you're sending gifs for the maintenance reminders!

What would the repercussions be if you refuse to attend the counselling any longer? I don't think you can "win" with your ex or this counsellor (and of course if you find a counsellor who knows anything about abuse and tries to hold your ex accountable for his own shit, your ex will refuse to attend). Can you put up with those repercussions? Are there other ways to reduce any tensions your kid might be picking up on?

You sound like a great mum and I'm really glad you're not married to this wanker any longer but I know this must be tough.

Just go to the cms. It's ridiculous you have to remind him every week.

I'd start by making a complaint against the counsellor, totally unprofessional!!

I'd ditch the diary and the counsellor.
I'd also report the counsellor.

You know this isn about control don’t you? It’s nothing to do with his busy ness , how he keeps his diaries or bank accounts.

I think the important question is - is there a contact order?

If there is, YABVU to dictate anything on his time.

Could you set up an automatic thing on your phone where it texts him every morning to say, "Remember to look in the diary"? That way you'd be reminding him, very clearly, and he couldn't use this as an excuse to abuse and control you. Or see if you can add automatic notifications of updates. Or both.

Either way you shouldn't have to remind him, he's a tosser, and his wife has no business being in those counselling sessions; but your children are getting distressed by the ongoing tension so it might be worth seeing if you can do something here.

The diary is an issue because he is too unbothered to check it, but can't bear to admit it, so it's your fault for not reminding him.

Here is a Chrome plugin for Gmail that will do a daily reminder to him.

www.boomeranggmail.com/l/recurring-email.html

Then he will have to think of something else to blame you for. Because the diary clearly isn't actually the real issue.

I think I'd stop the diary and just keep one for myself. Just forward any emails, letters from school etc to him and let them sort themselves out. It's not your job to organise his life in any way. And I'd also report the counsellor.

I presume you are not sending your ExDH the gifs - why would you be doing that? Is it in a jokey sort of way?

Does the counsellor have a supervisor? I’d call them and describe and ask if they feel it is professional
Don’t go back
Say flag stays
You upload, him or new wife check. End of.

As I'm hoping it's comforting to you that so many of us are saying this... You are not being unreasonable. The very idea that you have to remind him to check the diary is absurd. I'd be asking to speak to the counsellor and say you feel very uncomfortable. I'd also be simply saying that you don't feel the status quo needs to change. If he wants to set up a diary system that works better for him you'll look at it. I'd go very low contact and ultra polite. Stop the gifs. Although I might also be saying that those texts are stopping and he either puts something in his diary to remind him to pay or you will go back to the CSA. Whether you carry on with counselling depends on how you feel about it more generally but I'd be inclined to stop as it's not doing anything for you.

There is already a weekly text to remind him to pay the kids maintenance.
That's terrible. If it is the only way, then add 'and look in the diary' to it. But really, you need a weekly or monthly direct debit end of story. He sounds like such a man-child and as if he's happy present you as being a nagging ex. Do you need him to know everything in the diary - as in are you reliant on him doing certain things with the kids? If not, then it is absolutely his responsibility. SO I'd say you need to really tie him down on the direct debit, and just keep going with the diary. And get rid of the counsellor or find another one or have a chat with them about how inappropriately they're behaving.

It's all about control. Whatever 'compromise' you make will never be enough. Ideally, i'd stop with the diary and tell him to contact the school etc to get him copied in on any events etc that are happening. Then he can take responsibility for organising his own diary.
If, for whatever reason, you believe a diary is still the best way forward, then either use a different app, where automatic reminders can be sent (regularly and annoyingly to him, so that he has to take an action to turn each one off), or just an automatic text to him each morning reminding him to look at the diary.
Trouble is, the more involved you are with him and his ridiculous games, the more control he will try and exert over you. Try for as little contact as possible and 'grey rock' when you have to have dealings with him.

I'd stop the counselling, delete the on line diary and go to the CMS. Why the fuck should you do anything? The horse that can pull will pull and they are taking the piss.