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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won't new man have sex with me?

189 replies

Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:49

I have been seeing a new man for a few months. We see each other every few days and get on great. In the past few weeks he has started staying at mine for a few days at a time.

When he stays at mine we cuddle and spoon and I get really horny but he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way. To my knowledge it's the first time he's ever decided to wait for sex but as well as being frustrating, it makes me feel a little down on my self esteem. He seems very in to me in every other respect and always makes the arrangements to see each other so he's keen in that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:51

Oh and he does say as he has got older his sex drive has diminished but with his exes, I know he's had an active sex life.

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 15/10/2018 05:51

Gay. STD. Small penis. Ashamed of his body. Married. Erectile disfunction. Religious. Just not that into you.

It could be any of the above, you’ll never know til you ask.

ivykaty44 · 15/10/2018 05:53

So you cuddle in bed spoon etc and is he excited?

WhiteDust · 15/10/2018 05:53

He's getting to know you first??Sounds like a conscious decision not to get too serious too quickly? Perhaps he's been hurt in the past.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:57

He has been hurt in the past.

When we spoon, if he gets excited he seems to turn over Confused

OP posts:
chloem93 · 15/10/2018 05:57

Maybe he just doesn't want to mess up a good thing with over complicating it with sex?

Just like the previous commenter wrote, you won't know until you have a frank discussion with him and ask him why he hasn't made a sexual advance. The thing is, you don't want to look desperate but if you know what you want and if you think you're comfortable talking to him, then why not just ask him. You said he's coming across as being into you but he might just want to take the sexual stuff at a certain pace. Also ask him if he's sleeping with anyone else, sometimes if a man is slow with sex it's either because he's inexperienced or getting it already...Have you had the conversation about exclusivity?

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:58

It's just so frustrating and I know he's been hurt in the past, but I didn't hurt him, it's not my fault! I just want some nice sex!

OP posts:
ohlittlepea · 15/10/2018 06:02

My guess would be STI. But Im a cynic.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 06:07

We have talked about it and he has been hurt in the past.

Also, he says he wants to wait as sex can complicate things in a new relationship he says. He also says since he's hit his 40s, his sex drive has decreased quite a bit.

Just knowing that he had an active sex life with his most recent ex but won't do anything with me though makes me feel low in my self esteem.

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 15/10/2018 06:08

If he's been hurt in the past he might be understandably wary.
His ex may have put him down. Who knows. Talk to him & tell him how you feel.

Northernlass69 · 15/10/2018 06:08

I'd not be in to this at all. I would definitely be protecting myself and stopping him staying over for days at a time. It's too soon. I'd back off a bit. Seems fishy.

WhiteDust · 15/10/2018 06:08

Ask him how he feels too - obviously.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 06:09

And it's so frustrating spooning with him, I just want to have a little intimacy!

OP posts:
KC225 · 15/10/2018 06:10

You don't really know he has had an active sex life with his ex's though do you? You only have his word for it. Was he was up front (no pun intended) in the beginning about not wanting to have sex or has it only surfaced since he has been staying at yours.

Does he have a time frame? Plan of action? Will you have to be engagaed? Married? Living together? How serious does he want the two of you to be? If he is prepared to share a bed with you, I would call that serious. I suspect erectile difficulties, hence the line about diminishing sex drive.

WhiteDust · 15/10/2018 06:13

If this was the other way round -
'My girlfriend of a few months doesn't want sex with me yet, she's been hurt in the past but had an active sex life with her ex partner...why not with me?'
Would people think she was a weirdo or had an STD?

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 15/10/2018 06:13

After a few months, surely there are other things you can do to test the water so to speak.
Have you actually gone beyond kissing?

MiniTheMinx · 15/10/2018 06:13

I would assume that this is how things will be, that he won't suddenly become interested in sex. If he isn't struggling to keep his hands off you now, he certainly won't be in another few months or years. You'll have no sex or infrequent sex. Why bother.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 15/10/2018 06:15

How/why are you tolerating this though OP? I would be reconsidering this big time. No way does he get to dictate something as important as this or have you only slept together twice or three times?
He is telling you you are in for a crap sex life. Do you really want that?

Oysterbabe · 15/10/2018 06:18

Erectile dysfunction would be my guess.

Ennirem · 15/10/2018 06:18

Such early days and already so much upset. Not worth it. In the bin with him!

MeetMeInMontauk · 15/10/2018 06:20

What is it with this place sometimes? If a woman wants to wait, she is displaying her emotional depth or her legitimate right to bodily autonomy. If a guy wants to wait, he's either a repressed homosexual, a cheat or harbouring diseases not often seen outside the tropical medicines laboratory.

Maybe he just isn't ready yet? There's a thought.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 06:22

I think erectile dysfunction too although I have seen it semi-erect after we had cuddled

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 15/10/2018 06:23

white meet if I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t be snuggling in bed for one thing.

The lack of sex isn’t the issue, it’s the mixed messages that make me suspicious.

But go ahead and attribute it to some form of double standards if you must.

WhiteDust · 15/10/2018 06:34

Thisisthefirststep
if I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t be snuggling in bed for one thing.

So cuddling a in bed always leads to sex? Not in my world.

KanielOutis · 15/10/2018 06:36

Its not fair that he is projecting hurt from past relationships onto this relationships. If he isn't over the hurt, and ready to move on, he should end this and take some time out for healing. Leaving you free to be with someone who is ready to actually be with you.

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