Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won't new man have sex with me?

189 replies

Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:49

I have been seeing a new man for a few months. We see each other every few days and get on great. In the past few weeks he has started staying at mine for a few days at a time.

When he stays at mine we cuddle and spoon and I get really horny but he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way. To my knowledge it's the first time he's ever decided to wait for sex but as well as being frustrating, it makes me feel a little down on my self esteem. He seems very in to me in every other respect and always makes the arrangements to see each other so he's keen in that way.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 15/10/2018 07:34

Sure, he might have a problem like ED or something. But really, if as adults you can't just talk about these things even though you're intimate enough to be sleeping in the same bed, isn't that kind of an issue in itself? Just ask him. If he's a completely dysfunctional communicator who tries to make it your fault, well, that gives you a lot of information!

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2018 07:34

Premature ejaculation is incredibly quick. It can be literally within moments of excitement.

Do you see this relationship going somewhere? If you do, I think you need to discuss this with him. If he understands you’re there no matter what, maybe he will open up.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2018 07:35

Well, that's one way of dealing with ED. Seems a bit harsh though

It would be 'harsh' if you left a long time partner or husband over ED.

It's not harsh to break up with a new partner over it. Not harsh at all. Why should the OP have to slog through someone else's issues if she's not inclined to?

Because it does sound as if she's not inclined to, and that's OK. You can leave a bloke in the early days for any reason, big or small. Just as he can, too.

And if he's saying his sex drive has diminished since he turned 40, this is him telling you loud and clear not to expect much / regular sex.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Djnoun · 15/10/2018 07:35

@Banterlope

The person I am referring to did not have ED. It was a psychological issue. And yes, I broke it off because I recognised I didn't have the patience to take his problems on.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2018 07:36

Good for you @Djnoun

BlancheM · 15/10/2018 07:40

Sod that. Get a man who will want to jump your bones.
This one can't even be honest with you.

Hopoindown31 · 15/10/2018 07:41

The MN double standard is alive and well here I see. I'd give the same advice as to a man in your situation - with a relationship this new you don't need to take on someone else's hang ups so if after a direct discussion it isn't working then end it.

BiscuitDrama · 15/10/2018 07:45

The ‘bit harsh’ was a joke the way I read it. It sound like she broke his willy off. Grin

TheStoic · 15/10/2018 07:53

It would be 'harsh' if you left a long time partner or husband over ED

That poster was joking. It would be harsh to break off his penis...

AlphaBravo · 15/10/2018 08:01

ED. If he wont confront it himself OP then it will never get fixed.

You can buy viagra over the counter now so no excuse for men to live with it anymore.

I'd run for the hills personally. Even if he has ED there's no reason why he shouldn't be jumping your bones and making you satisfied in other ways.

If he wont then I'd also have a guess at Asexual👌

Skittlesandbeer · 15/10/2018 08:02

Sorry but old or young, male or female, straight or gay- I’d still think it’s fair that part of ‘getting to know you’ involve sexual compatibility.

We’re talking MONTHS down the track? Then you’re both prioritising his preference to not have sex (and not address why clearly) over your preference to initiate sex in order to see if the fit is right.

Feel free to tell him that there are sexual deal-breakers for you, and you’d prefer to protect your heart against any further involvement in the other areas until you know this relationship is compatible in those crucial sexual areas.

Lucisky · 15/10/2018 08:04

I had a relationship like this years ago. I just couldn't understand it, and am still not really sure why he wasn't interested in sex (but liked endless cuddling) because he wouldn't talk about it. I finished the relationship because it caused arguments and I was frustrated. I also felt insulted. I did also wonder if there was some kind of control thing going on. Possibly he had a very low sex drive, who knows? I just knew I couldn't live my life like that.
Move on OP.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 15/10/2018 08:04

I'm not sure it is double standards. Men and women are wired very differently when it comes to sex. No one wants a sexless relationship unless that's what you have specifically looked for.

Rudgie47 · 15/10/2018 08:05

I think hes been really unfair on you to carry on like this.
If he didn't want a relationship/was unable he should have just said to you at the beginning he just wanted a platonic friend.
I'd have a full and frank discussion with him and if he wasnt prepared to get help or was still trying to string me along with fluffy rubbish then I'd get rid of him.

Swearymum83 · 15/10/2018 08:08

Sure he's actually a man? Could be hard to tell these days.. and I mean that.

Overyou · 15/10/2018 08:09

Tbf he has told you hasn’t he? His sex drive has diminished now he is in his 40s ie low libido/just not into sex.

easyandy101 · 15/10/2018 08:11

The double standard being that if a bloke was doing this thread complaining about his sexless partner he'd be called manipulative and abusive for doing anything other than being endlessly patient

0ccamsRazor · 15/10/2018 08:12

Op this man has a low sex drive, I would say that it is zero.

This is what your sex life would be with him, only you know if you could have a relationship with out sex.

This I feel is the bottom line.

Beaverhausen · 15/10/2018 08:13

He is a man sweety, sorry to burst your bubble, if he could he would have shagged you on the first date.

So there are a few issues here...

Either as has been said he is gay or
he has problems down there i.e Erectile dysfunction, STD which is why it is a good idea to always go for an std check before entering in a sexual relationship with anybody and even if you cover the todger it is not always as safe as you think as Ghonorhea and Chlamydia can be transmitted orally.

And unfortunately there are cases where men have low libido.

Swearymum83 · 15/10/2018 08:18

easyandy101

Really? I wouldn't expect a man to wait either. Sex is a pretty important part of an intimate adult relationship. So is honesty and this man isn't being honest.

What's with all the women coming on to defend men.. you know this NEVER happens in discussions between men.. right?

alifromtheforest · 15/10/2018 08:31

It could be anything. The bottom line is that sex is a big issue now and I strongly suspect that it will continue to be so throughout your relationship. Be honest with him and just say - look, I understand that you don't want to feel pressured, but sex and sexual intimacy are a huge part of a relationship for me, so this just isn't working.

MsVestibule · 15/10/2018 08:35

I don't think the lack of sex would bother me too much, it's the mixed messages. If (for example) he was a committed Christian who didn't believe in sex before marriage, you would know it wasn't personal and could make the decision as to whether you wanted to continue in a sexless relationship.

I think sleeping at yours and cuddling but never having sex is odd. I honestly don't think I could stay in a relationship like that - sex has never been the most critical aspect of any of my relationships, but at the very least want to feel that my boyfriends have fancied me!

It does seem a shame to end it when every other aspect is good, but you know this issue will not magically disappear 😕.

Mrsmadevans · 15/10/2018 08:35

Is it his way of controlling your relationship?
I have no idea really but was struck by this thought as soon as l saw your post OP. Think you need to finish it and just be friends. Flowers

NotANotMan · 15/10/2018 08:37

The double standard being that if a bloke was doing this thread complaining about his sexless partner he'd be called manipulative and abusive for doing anything other than being endlessly patient

Nope. I'd say exactly the same to a man.

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 08:42

He needs to be honest with you, or you need to end it.

I was in a sexually barren relationship for 5 years. It started off ok for a few times but the guy had issues and was totally inexperienced despite being older than me.

It wasted years of my 20s. I eventually walked away but it was so hard as he was my best friend.

I think you have 2 choices- stop sleeping with him- literally. I mean what's that all about? Most couples get into bed to have sex in the early stages of a relationship. If you want to see him, fair enough, but go back to your own home alone.

Or, he fesses up and says what the issue is. Yes, it can complicate relationships to introduce sex, but most men are just so horny they get on with it.

He's being a tease, to put it bluntly. Sleeping in the same bed but turning away from you is very unfair.

You need to take control. My personal experience tells me it won't get any better and you need to tell him why because if he doesn't get help this is going to happen to lots more women.