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Original poster

Why won't new man have sex with me?

189 replies

Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:49

I have been seeing a new man for a few months. We see each other every few days and get on great. In the past few weeks he has started staying at mine for a few days at a time.

When he stays at mine we cuddle and spoon and I get really horny but he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way. To my knowledge it's the first time he's ever decided to wait for sex but as well as being frustrating, it makes me feel a little down on my self esteem. He seems very in to me in every other respect and always makes the arrangements to see each other so he's keen in that way.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 15/10/2018 08:46

Well, that's one way of dealing with ED. Seems a bit harsh though

That made me laugh! I got the joke ;)

OP I would not be expecting any kind of decent sex life with this man now, or any time in the future. I would end it if you aren't willing to spend however long you are with him having a crap sex life.

Dahlietta · 15/10/2018 08:49

I don't think it's double standards either to say that this is not really fair of him. If he doesn't want sex because it's too early in the relationship, that's perfectly sensible and reasonable, but then he shouldn't be staying over and spooning. There's no need to do that. Equally if he does have ED or an STD, if he didn't stay over yet you wouldn't be suspicious. I would also wonder whether it's a control thing.

Sallystyle · 15/10/2018 08:54

The double standard being that if a bloke was doing this thread complaining about his sexless partner he'd be called manipulative and abusive for doing anything other than being endlessly patient

Some people are so keen to point out double standards that they make shit up.

Some posters might say the above, plenty of others wouldn't.

They haven't had sex at all. He is not communicating about it probably, he has already warned her that his sex drive is not great.

Sex can often become infrequent in long term relationships, due to lots of different factors, but he clearly has issues with intimacy and that is very unlikely to get better with time.

I wouldn't want to enter a relationship with someone who is telling me quite clearly that sex will not be on the cards often, if at all.

If a man posted the same thing, my reply would not differ.

Neverender · 15/10/2018 08:56

I think you need to ask him to be honest here - I would suspect he either has a tiny willy or an STD. My friend has herpes and refused to sleep with her boyfriend for months at the start of their relationship.

PookieDo · 15/10/2018 08:58

I just think you may not be compatible on this level and may never be. He’s given his reasons and you need to decide if you can accept them or not. It’s ok not to, its ok to want more from a relationship. Perhaps he would be more suited to someone with a low sex drive and you suited to someone with a higher sex drive

This is what dating is about - working out compatibility! And at this point there is an issue that shows it’s unlikely you are compatible

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 08:58

The other thing OP is that men who have issues with sex tend to make up for it in other ways- they are extra kind, extra caring...

this is why he wants to see you daily (that sounds a bit too full on to me at the start of a relationship...)

He's compensating for what he's not giving you.

This suggests it's a long term issue where he has used this tactic before and you are not the first to experience it.

Overyou · 15/10/2018 09:02

I don’t see the point in sharing a bed and I don’t think it’s fair of him to do that. Man or woman I would say that.

NotANotMan · 15/10/2018 09:03

I wouldn't share a bed with someone I had not had sex with. So weird.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 09:11

Hello, thanks for all of your great replies. I asked him about the ED and he says he hasn't so the conversation went on to why he never gets hard when we are in bed together and throughout the whole conversation he was really reluctant to talk unsurprisingly and I asked if it was because he didn't find me sexually attractive but he wouldn't answer and then said that perhaps we should end the conversation here. He has been semi-hard with me but then moves away when this happens. Maybe to stop anything going further? Out of the bedroom he is extremely attentive and caring and usually always initiates dates, so he's keen, just not in bed. He also has said numerous times before that he thinks I'm really beautiful, pretty etc so my mind is fucking mangled with what can be going on with him.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/10/2018 09:11

I'd still say the say whether male or female

I'd have to end it, the constantly rolling over everytime I tried to initiate any intimacy would kill it for me

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 09:12

There are men who 'want to wait' if all they are looking for is something casual and they don't want the woman to get hurt.

But that's not what he's saying- he says HE doesn't want to get hurt.

In which case he ought at the very least to sleep at his own place and not be a tease.

He also ought not to be so full-on seeing you daily- that to me (unless you work together) is weird because that kind of intensity is not usual in a new relationship where sex is not happening!

OP I mean this kindly but your boundaries seem a bit muddled and you're coming over as a bit naive. He's calling the shots here.
If you really like him, create some boundaries- see him less often, raise your game and expectations of him, let him know that.

SparklyMagpie · 15/10/2018 09:13

So he's not even wanting to reassure you or have a grown up conversation with something that's concerning you....nahh

ChippyPickledEggs · 15/10/2018 09:21

Oh just dump him!

He's not being honest, you're not enjoying what should be the most intensely passionate phase of your relationship, and just fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He's a head fuck OP.

ConkerGame · 15/10/2018 09:21

OP this won’t change and in the meantime you will get more and more frustrated and your self esteem will plummet. I’m speaking from experience.

Get out now. You’ll be sad and miss him for a little while but it’s so much better and easier to end things whilst it’s still early days. Then you’ll be free to meet someone with a similar sex drive.

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 09:22

@Annahola

I think it's unrealistic to expect an honest answer from a man you are dating if asked about ED. I mean how many would own up!!! It's hard enough ( 'scuse the pun) for long term partners to accept that and seek help.)

And the fact he avoided engaging in your questions speaks volumes.

He was in a no-win situation! If he said yes, he fancied you, then you'd carry on asking why sex wasn't happening. If he said he didn't fancy you, you'd leave and he'd have lost you.

He either has ED, or PE, or is gay and in denial. He could even be for all you know, a virgin because is any of those.

Presumably he doesn't have any cultural or religious reasons for avoiding sex?

Yes of course he is attentive! He's making up for what he can't give you and is trying to hold onto you.

You either have to end it and tell him why you are, or you have to have another more frank chat when you don't let him off the hook. In that chat I think you need to tell him that although you like him you do believe he has sexual issues and unless he owns them and gets help, you are out.

Hogtini · 15/10/2018 09:28

This would do my head in. Whatever the reason, he's not being honest with you.

OutPinked · 15/10/2018 09:37

I would end it. I had an ex a bit like this once and he transpired to be an abusive bastard, the sex was a control thing for him and it severely knocked my self esteem. We did have sex but rarely and I often got rejected which just felt hideous.

It’s honestly not worth the hassle OP. As I’m sure you know, the honeymoon period is for bonking like rabbits. Unless he has some serious medical reason to not be shagging your brains out, he’s being really strange and I wouldn’t put up with it. An STI sounds like a stretch- if he knew he had one, he’d surely get it treated? Hmm.

ErickBroch · 15/10/2018 09:59

End it! Not remotely sexually compatible and the fact he wont discuss anything is weird, run.

MemoryOfSleep · 15/10/2018 10:04

Well, you clearly have different sex drives so I doubt the relationship has legs anyway. Do you ever stay over at his?

steff13 · 15/10/2018 10:07

End it. You're only going to get more frustrated.

ivykaty44 · 15/10/2018 10:13

Cycnic in me says he has problems sexually, keeping an erection, ejeculating so he is making up stories to cover this

highby · 15/10/2018 10:15

My problem with this situation is that he's not being honest with you. He doesn't feel he can be 100% open with you. That would bother me. He's not all in so to speak. Do you feel like he should be at this stage? Are you yourself at this stage? If so let him know how you feel, does he want a full on emotional relationship where you share everything, warts and all (hopefully no warts)

SimplyPut · 15/10/2018 10:16

Regardless of male or female trepidation when it comes to sex it's odd to begin sleeping over without sex.

oldgimmer78 · 15/10/2018 10:18

I think it's unrealistic to expect an honest answer from a man you are dating if asked about ED

I think that in itself is abusive. Set the bar OP, you have been in what seems like a pretty intensive relationship for a few months. If he wants to shut down conversation about a very big issue at this stage, best move on to someone who has the decency to be honest. Your head should be 'mangled' at this early stage.

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/10/2018 10:21

You seem to feel he's considerate of you, very attentive, etc. But he isn't is he? Because he surely should have an idea of how a person would feel to have their advances knocked back every single time they initiated sex! It would be hurtful and crushing enough to have it happen once, let alone every time.

I would end this if it were me OP, it isn't going to get magically better. This far in to the relationship, he should be talking to you about any problems (with his nethers or anything really). I get this isn't an easy subject to broach, but if he wanted the relationship to continue, he needs to make more effort. And he isn't.

It's not fair on you. Time to move on...

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