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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won't new man have sex with me?

189 replies

Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:49

I have been seeing a new man for a few months. We see each other every few days and get on great. In the past few weeks he has started staying at mine for a few days at a time.

When he stays at mine we cuddle and spoon and I get really horny but he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way. To my knowledge it's the first time he's ever decided to wait for sex but as well as being frustrating, it makes me feel a little down on my self esteem. He seems very in to me in every other respect and always makes the arrangements to see each other so he's keen in that way.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2018 10:22

I know what I'd be doing OP.
This does not bode well.
You want sex. He doesn't or can't so you are not compatible.
I'd be outta there.
And he certainly would not be sharing my bed.

gamerchick · 15/10/2018 10:23

He's telling you he has a crap libido. If you start having sex then it'll put pressure on him to keep it up.

If a guy tells me he has low libido then I would take that a signal to leave and find someone else. Is this what you want for the rest of the relationship?

Gabilan · 15/10/2018 10:26

I wouldn't share a bed with someone I had not had sex with. So weird.

Doesn't have to be. Sometimes it's just practical, sometimes it can be a way of getting to know someone without the pressure of having sex.

He also has said numerous times before that he thinks I'm really beautiful, pretty etc so my mind is fucking mangled with what can be going on with him.

It shouldn't be this difficult this early on. I'd split. Don't go the friends route either, or he'll keep messing with your head. I know it's difficult for men to talk about ED. But really, if they have a problem they need to tackle it, and not make it your problem. Christ, women do enough difficult and shitty things every day. Not everything in life is straightforward.

PookieDo · 15/10/2018 10:27

The guy I am seeing ATM does suffer from ED sometimes, anxiety based type thing. He is nothing but kind open and empathetic to me, and it certainly doesn’t hold him back from ensuring that I am fulfilled.

ED should not be seen as some sordid selfish secret issue for a lot of men who actually want to progress a relationship it’s part and parcel of getting to know one another, sharing and learning. They want to relax and enjoy themselves as much as they want you to. And those who do want a sexual relationship will discuss it with you. Men who don’t want sexual relationships will avoid talking about sex. Ergo he does not want to have sex, and I do not think this is anything about you that is the issue

BMW6 · 15/10/2018 10:30

Well whatever his issues with sex are, it doesn't sound like the situation is going to improve anytime. I'd end the relationship if I were you.

Bobbybear10 · 15/10/2018 10:34

If he isn’t willing to open up to you then really that’s that.

Whatever the reason he isn’t even willing to have an honest conversation. That’s not someone you want to be in a relationship with.

I know it’s frustrating but you can’t force him to talk to you all you can do is do what works for you and this situation is toxic for your mental health.

TatterdemalionAspie · 15/10/2018 10:41

Oh for gawd sake - listen to what he's telling you! His sex drive isn't there with you, for whatever reasonl, and he's fucking with your head by giving you mixed signals and refusing to have an honest conversation.

I asked if it was because he didn't find me sexually attractive but he wouldn't answer and then said that perhaps we should end the conversation here. That usually means that he doesn't want to say something that you don't want to hear. He doesn't find you sexually attractive, otherwise he would tell you that he does.

Out of the bedroom he is extremely attentive and caring and usually always initiates dates, so he's keen, just not in bed. Ok, so do you want to be in a sexless relationship? That's what this is and always will be. Which is absoluely fine, if you are content with that. If you're not, end it and find someone who is sexually attracted to you.

He also has said numerous times before that he thinks I'm really beautiful, pretty etc so my mind is fucking mangled with what can be going on with him. Stop trying to analyse someone who is fucking with your head. He knows perfectly well that you're not happy with the situation and want more from him - he is choosing not to move the relationship on, not have an honest discussion with you, and keep giving you mixed signals. He is showing you what to expect from him, it's really up to you whether you want to put up with it!

Atchiclees · 15/10/2018 10:48

Op your mind is in a mess a out this, your partner won’t communicate with you about an issue that is bothering you. Male or female, regardless of the reasons this is not a good sign. It could be any of things suggested above, or it could be a red flag of a future abusive or controlling partner. To me, I would end it. Fundamentally you can’t have a conversation about something that is worrying you? The signs are not good and you are at risking your own self esteem and mental health and that price is never, ever worth paying.

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 10:58

OP can you not see that his attentiveness is a symptom of what's going on in his head?

He's trying to keep you despite the no sex.

As I posted earlier, my guy who had issues around sex (including a terrible, unrealistic fear I'd get pregnant as well as his own 'guilt' issues and possible ED) was the nicest, kindest man ever...which made it hard to end it. I gave up 5 years thinking we'd work it out because he kept saying he 'needed more time'.

At the time, I lost my best friend....but I knew my bio clock was ticking. To be fair he'd tried to end it earlier but I wanted to keep trying which is why I'm telling you you are on a hiding to nothing.

blackheartsgirl · 15/10/2018 11:05

Id end it personally op. The fact hes not talking to you and wont talk to you is worrying.

Hes messing with your head.

Fwiw im 41 and ive been seeing a man who's 47. He had a few issues with intimacy and had ED to start with but we talked. A LOT. And it turned out he was quite inexperienced and nervous. But he was willing to work at it and things are improving all the time.

This man isnt..id run

Slappinthebass · 15/10/2018 11:12

I had this experience with a new relationship twice. The first time it was premature ejaculation, which never went away the whole relationship. The second had been told an ex had chlamydia but hadn't bothered to have themselves treated.

JuliaJaynes9 · 15/10/2018 11:24

I think he is getting something out of the power he has here
you want something and he's withholding it
You should drop him like a hot brick

BumbleBored · 15/10/2018 11:45

Leave. It's been months and he's stressing you out and there's no intimacy.

What's the point?

SausageSimon · 15/10/2018 11:51

For me it'd have to be an open conversation where he told me exactly what was wrong or I'd have to end it. He's had chances to tell you already and hasn't taken them, so he needs to tell you so you can either end the relationship or improve things

PrivateDoor · 15/10/2018 11:59

We were just spooning again and I tried to get things moving a bit but after a few minutes of me trying, he turned over. It's got to the point where I'm ok having resting my hand or arm on his penis during cuddles but if I started stroking it, he would turn over. So frustrating. I'm good enough to stay at my house for days but not for perfectly normal sex sad

He has made it very clear to you that he doesn't want to be intimate, so why on earth are you groping his penis? If I stayed over with a man but made it clear I didn't want sex, I wouldn't expect him to start pawing at me against my will Confused I think it is time to accept that he doesn't yet want to be intimate with you, if you cannot accept this then you break up. But don't keep grabbing and groping him.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 11:59

I managed to get a bit more out of him and it's down to him having a huge lack of trust. I don't know what the answer is.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 15/10/2018 12:03

A lack of trust?
What difference does it make whether you have had sex or not to whether he trusts you? You're already in the emotionally intimate stage of the relationship so what difference does sex make?
Jesus, he's full of shit

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/10/2018 12:04

There isn't an answer as such. More just a question.

Is he worth it.

The first few weeks of the relationship is supposed to be fun. The can't keep hands off eachother phase.

It shouldn't be this hard. Not this soon.

Id get out now tbh I get the feeling there will he something else after this is dealt with anyway

JuliaJaynes9 · 15/10/2018 12:08

Unless he is willing to deal with the problem and be open and honest this is a recipe for frustration and pain for both of you
You want a relationship which includes sex he appears unable to be intimate
your needs are not aligned
you want different things
you are not compatible

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 12:09

I managed to get a bit more out of him and it's down to him having a huge lack of trust. I don't know what the answer is.

You mean you have talked to him since you last posted? How are you having these kinds of chats during a working day? (Or did you forget to post his extra comments sooner?)

I'm sorry but this doesn't make sense. Can't you see that?

By 'trust' I assume he means he is scared of getting hurt. (Or revealing his ED perhaps?)

If he is scared of being hurt, why would he be more hurt having had sex with you, than not?

Think about this logically. He's all over you - asking to see you lots, attentive etc- all the signs of man who is keen. He'd not be doing that if he was genuinely scared of rejection.

If he is not ready to accept rejection as part of a being in a relationship....he's not ready for any relationship.

How did you meet? Online?

He's lying to you. It's not about 'trust' it's about not being able for whatever reason to engage fully in a sexual relationship.

AllHallowsQueen · 15/10/2018 12:10

The “huge lack of trust” smells like bullshit to me. Whenever I hear stuff like that it indicates to me that the guy is enjoying having his ego stroked but doesn’t want to fully commit or isn’t that into you.

You’ve been practically handing it to him on a plate for months and he hasn’t responded, so it’s time to step back. You can be quite transparent and say that the lack of intimacy is an issue for you. If he makes a big effort to win you back then great, but it seems to me you’re not compatible and better off ending it.

JuliaJaynes9 · 15/10/2018 12:11

You are having to put in a lot of effort here trying to get information out of him trying to make it work, this means that you will feel as if you have invested and worked at this and if you walk away or give up all your effort will be wasted
this is all part of his Tactics to try and get you to stay even though it's not in your best interests

Gabilan · 15/10/2018 12:16

I don't know what the answer is

The answer is obvious and several people have said it. You'll hear it when you're ready.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 12:16

Why does he want me to stay though?

OP posts:
QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 12:17

I don't think he has any tactics, other than lying about why he doesn't want sex.

I suspect he wants to create a bond- all the fussing over her and keenness over dates- which will keep her there despite lack of sex.

He's dressing this up as 'wanting to gain her trust' before he drops his trousers' which is, actually a load of bollocks.

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