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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won't new man have sex with me?

189 replies

Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:49

I have been seeing a new man for a few months. We see each other every few days and get on great. In the past few weeks he has started staying at mine for a few days at a time.

When he stays at mine we cuddle and spoon and I get really horny but he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way. To my knowledge it's the first time he's ever decided to wait for sex but as well as being frustrating, it makes me feel a little down on my self esteem. He seems very in to me in every other respect and always makes the arrangements to see each other so he's keen in that way.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 15/10/2018 06:36

I mean there's nothing wrong with waiting but it's been a few months now so it is odd that sex hasn't happened yet. The fact that his answers are a bit vague 'sex complicates things' does make me think he's not being totally honest with you.

WanderingTrolley1 · 15/10/2018 06:38

ED or small tinkle.

SandraTheBee · 15/10/2018 06:47

This stage of your relationship she be happy and uncomplicated. A man with sex issues is generally someone to avoid like the plague- it doesn't get better.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 15/10/2018 06:48

white I would find it incredibly strange to be in a romantic relationship in which we snuggled in bed but we didn't have sex. It's a mixed message. Yes, I can cuddle my husband without it leading to sex, but in the beginning of a relationship, it doesn't really make sense imo ESPECIALLY since the OP doesn't know why.

Gabilan · 15/10/2018 06:49

I think erectile dysfunction too although I have seen it semi-erect after we had cuddled

Could still be ED though. If there's a psychological element (and generally there is, even if the main cause is physical) he may be OK until he feels "pressured" at which point he'll lose it.

I would tread carefully. Not because he doesn't want sex yet - this is entirely his call and I agree that a woman wanting to wait would not get anything like this grief. But you are getting very mixed messages. Staying with you for days is hurrying things. And then he does/ doesn't want this. The thing with ED or whatever else is going on, is that it's fine if it's a problem he's prepared to acknowledge and work on. But IME somehow it'll all end up being your fault and your problem and you'll still have a crap sex life (sorry. Jaded voice of experience before the morning coffee has kicked in).

Applesandpears23 · 15/10/2018 06:50

If it makes you frustrated and feel crap then this relationship isn’t working for you. It is ok to say that you don’t want sexless sleep overs.

forumdonkey · 15/10/2018 06:53

This wouldn't be for me. I would explain I want an adult relationship not just a friendship. If he's not willing or wanting to be intimate and have sex, I'd walk away.

bigchris · 15/10/2018 06:55

I'd end it

If the passion isn't there now it'll never be there, it won't get any better it'll get worse

Plus he could be making up the passionate stuff with his ex

NotANotMan · 15/10/2018 06:56

All that bollocks about being hurt and sex changing a relationship is a cover up for the fact that he doesn't want to, or can't.
You're never going to have a satisfying sex life with this man.

Lauren83 · 15/10/2018 06:58

I had an ex like this, I used to drive myself mad wondering what it was about me that he wasn't attracted to, he would point blank refuse to have sex and on the very very rare occasions we did he was so weird about it, he swore blind it was only me he felt like this about then 3 separate exes came out of the woodwork and warned me about his violence and narcissistic tendencies and it turned out he was exactly the same with them. Never got to the bottom of it but the 2 years I was with him were the lowest of my life for many reasons. If anyone's reading this and is with someone with the initial K and in the Northwest area then run!

Djnoun · 15/10/2018 06:59

I briefly dated a guy who did the same thing. He definitely had an erection, but wouldn't let me near it. He would do foreplay for hours but couldn't progress to sex.

After several times of this, I found my frustration was making me angry and tearful with him. I knew it wasn't healthy, as of course it was entirely his choice to not have sex and he shouldn't have people pressuring him. So I broke it off.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/10/2018 07:10

I think it's unfair to.immediatly assume there's something wrong with him because he doesn't want sex. No one is obliged to sleep with anyone else.

Having said that if it's got to the point that it's affecting the relationship you either have to end it or talk about it. You can't make someone want you. And it's ok to not want to have to work thru issues if you don't think it's going anywhere.

Personally I don't think sex changes anything. You either like/Love some one or you don't. People can quite happily sleep with strangers.

I think you need to decide if you want to continue with this.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 07:10

Hi all, thanks for your replies.

We were just spooning again and I tried to get things moving a bit but after a few minutes of me trying, he turned over. It's got to the point where I'm ok having resting my hand or arm on his penis during cuddles but if I started stroking it, he would turn over. So frustrating. I'm good enough to stay at my house for days but not for perfectly normal sex Sad

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 15/10/2018 07:12

It's time to end this OP. Tell him to be honest with you or you'll need to leave.

BalloonSlayer · 15/10/2018 07:14

I reckon he turns over at that point because of PE. Hence you seeing it semi-erect afterwards. He can't have sex with you because he comes as soon as foreplay starts but can't get a proper erection again afterwards. Been there in a previous relationship Sad

Howdoyoudoit31 · 15/10/2018 07:17

So when he just turns over what do you say?

I agree with what others are saying.

Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 07:18

It's so weird because he's perfectly normal in every other way. I just want some good sex with him. If he did have health issues with his penis I wish he would tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annahola · 15/10/2018 07:21

When he turns over I ask where he's going. He says he's tired and needs to sleep. Think I'm going to put a stop to the sleeping over. I don't want to pressure him and I don't want to feel frustrated.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 15/10/2018 07:23

No, cut your losses. At the beginning, sex is usually pretty constant isn’t it? If he doesn’t want sex in a relationship, only you can know if that is ok. From your posts, it doesn’t sound like it. It could be ED,
If he’s great in many ways, there would be some women up for that.

Lauren83 · 15/10/2018 07:27

My ex used to ensure he had a reason to reject me, he would be fine all day then you could guarantee 10 min before bed he would yawn and say how tired he was, or that he had a head ache, was sore from the gym etc etc

Banterlope · 15/10/2018 07:27

Djnoun "So I broke it off."

Shock Well, that's one way of dealing with ED. Seems a bit harsh though

Bouchie · 15/10/2018 07:29

Maybe he can't manage "good sex" and is too worried or embarrassed to tell you.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 15/10/2018 07:30

Why sell you’re self short op I would all it quits in the early stages

Nousernameforme · 15/10/2018 07:31

Ignore the fact that it's a sex issue for a moment.

If this was any other problem that was making you feel unloved and uncomfortable in a relationship this new would you persevere with It?

You are not compatible and that's fine you can end a relationship because of this.

stellabird · 15/10/2018 07:31

If you've only ever seen him with a semi-erection I'd guess that he has erectile dysfunction and is too embarrassed to talk about it. You might want to approach him and have a frank discussion - or end up having an awful sex life with someone who just won't address this problem.