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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won't new man have sex with me?

189 replies

Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:49

I have been seeing a new man for a few months. We see each other every few days and get on great. In the past few weeks he has started staying at mine for a few days at a time.

When he stays at mine we cuddle and spoon and I get really horny but he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way. To my knowledge it's the first time he's ever decided to wait for sex but as well as being frustrating, it makes me feel a little down on my self esteem. He seems very in to me in every other respect and always makes the arrangements to see each other so he's keen in that way.

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 15/10/2018 19:15

I could not be bothered with any of that. If there's a problem, he should be open and honest about it and be prepared to address it. If he's unwilling to do that there's really no point trying to have any kind of relationship with him.

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 19:49

@TomPinch

If I were the OP I would take his stated reason at face value and tell him that the current situation does not work for me and I want it to change, and I require a discussion with him about it.

Read the thread..
she's already asked him questions and he says he doesn't wish to discuss it further. He closed down the conversation.

Like you suggest, I'd not let it rest there but the OP seems unable to pin him down, or walk away.

poglets · 15/10/2018 20:03

Oh god. Please get out now. The 'lack of trust' thing is so vague. And intentionally so. He already told you he has a low sex drive. He now says he has emotional problems relating to trust - what exactly have you done to deserve all of this? Nothing. And then he won't discuss it.

He's using sex as a way to control you. It won't get any better than the honeymoon stage. This isn't worth pursuing.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2018 20:49

I bet it's a right power trip for him to have you gagging for sex with him.

I would urge a little bit of understanding if this was a longer-term partner, or if he was willing to talk about it.

But instead he's just stringing you along. I can't get my head round why this wouldn't repel you.

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

happyrayoflight · 15/10/2018 21:35

Men are usually very visual. Are you spooning in the pitch black ? Maybe he needs to see you to get to aroused. You don't have to get out the flood lights but you could give this a subtle try? A dim lamp - low watt bulb or a plug night light ? Or leave the curtains open a bit only if you are not overlooked !!!

Do you know what he likes, bum man / breasts or maybe watching you. Just a suggestion my OH can do it in the pitch black. I might not look amazing but neither does he and I'm into him !

happyrayoflight · 15/10/2018 21:36
  • can't do it in the pitch black
Weetabixandshreddies · 15/10/2018 21:42

The lack of sex isn’t the issue, it’s the mixed messages that make me suspicious

Mixed messages? No one would say this to a woman. This is totally double standards.

Anyone, man or woman, can do as much or as little as they want surely?

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 15/10/2018 21:58

Maybe he really likes you and doesn’t want to ruin things by having sex too soon. A relationship shouldn’t be all about sex and if you start out slow and trust each other first then it’s more likely to last.

Also spooning is awesome!

BonnieF · 15/10/2018 22:14

The lack of sex isn’t the main issue here. The lack of honesty is the big issue.

It’s time for some straight talking OP. If he can’t be honest about why he doesn’t want to have sex with a new partner who he professes to find attractive and who has made it perfectly clear that she wants to have sex with him, that is a big red flag.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 16/10/2018 00:31

weetabix going to bed, as a routine, and not actually having sex is a mixed message. And I would advise anyone, man or woman, not to do that. Not to prevent rape, or because we should all be tearing eah others clothes off 24/7 but because it’s not very fair on the other person.

Itchyknees · 16/10/2018 00:44

Is he a pharmacist from Birkenhead?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/10/2018 02:35

Def sounds like he has been abused by a woman in the past.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/10/2018 02:44

Deal breaker!
You have obviously been giving it your best op and if the best he can come up with is a semi and a roll over I’d give up quite frankly.
There are many possible reasons for his reluctance to go the whole hog, as t’wer, but if he’s not even getting aroused ......nah

OkPedro · 16/10/2018 02:46

I've got issues with intimate relationships due to childhood SA
The way this man behaves reminds me of myself.. only difference that I'm a woman

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/10/2018 02:48

is he a pharmacist from Birkenhead 🤣

OkPedro · 16/10/2018 03:21

Some people's opinion of men on mn.. apparently men don't have issues with sexual relationships. It must be tiny penis/ed or he's abusive in some way
Some men (same as women) have been sexually abused and therefore have problems with sexual relationships

b4dmum · 16/10/2018 03:42

End it. I was with someone like this for A YEAR. What bothered me most was his unwillingness to discuss it. He eventually came up with some BS about being terrified to get me pregnant through the implant and a condom. Personally I think he watched too many videos.

Don't waste more of your time with someone who won't be honest.

penisbeakers · 16/10/2018 03:47

Everything @MeetMeInMontauk said.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 16/10/2018 03:52

ok then he needs to be open about that and stop playing games.

I’d give the advice to anyone, man or woman.

MarcieBluebell · 16/10/2018 04:13

You are not compatible sexually and tbh it doesn't matter the reason. Unfortunately you need to move on as he is unwilling to give you answers.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2018 04:18

He’s given you so many reasons why no wonder you’re confused.

I couldn’t be doing with this. I could deal with someone with ED or perhaps religious reasons. But a commitment-phobe with trust issues? Nope. That’s one you will never win. And you’ll likely break your heart if you keep trying.

penisbeakers · 16/10/2018 04:18

@Annahola -

Demisexuality

Just a wild stab in the dark. I mean it's possible I suppose.

I am loathed to say this, because the hypocrisy/double standard in this thread is staggering, but I am inclined to think that he might be saying his sex drive is diminished due to a lack of ability to perform, whether it's due to ED, or his size. The way you've described his behaviour indicates that, and more. If he's very attentive outside the bedroom and willing to wait on you hand and foot, but unwilling to be sexual with you, there's a chance he might harbour a cuckold fetish.

He talks about trust and being hurt. That's the only thing that makes me question my previous statement, because cuckolds generally want their sexual partners to be satisfied, usually by someone sexually superior to them. He would probably be willing to please you orally, but not penetrate as he would realise he wouldn't be capable of pleasing you that way. Given that he doesn't seem to want to be sexual with you at ALL, it makes me second guess that but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Personally, because he isn't being entirely honest with you and he doesn't want to open up, you should just end things now and tell him that you don't think you're compatible, and call it off before anyone gets hurt.

Yonijust · 16/10/2018 04:49

Time to move on OP.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 16/10/2018 08:51

Could he be taking drugs (prescription or otherwise) that is causing him problems? He might not want to speak openly about this.
It's the shutting down and the outright lying I would be having more issues with at this stage OP.