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Original poster

Why won't new man have sex with me?

189 replies

Annahola · 15/10/2018 05:49

I have been seeing a new man for a few months. We see each other every few days and get on great. In the past few weeks he has started staying at mine for a few days at a time.

When he stays at mine we cuddle and spoon and I get really horny but he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way. To my knowledge it's the first time he's ever decided to wait for sex but as well as being frustrating, it makes me feel a little down on my self esteem. He seems very in to me in every other respect and always makes the arrangements to see each other so he's keen in that way.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 15/10/2018 12:18

Should be like rabbits in the early stage, hormones raging.

I couldn't continue this relationship after months of nothing.
This is what your future looks like.

UpstartCrow · 15/10/2018 12:21

There are so many red flags here.
He's making you invest a lot early on, for little reward. Its got nothing to do with trust, he is playing control games with you.

If he had problems with trust he wouldn't be sleeping in your bed and fooling around. He'd be taking it very slowly.

See it for what it is, do yourself a favour and end it.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 12:23

He's lying to you and you know it.

He was very quick to tell you it wasn't ed, then he closed the conversation. Without reassuring you it wasn't about not finding you attractive, he wanted you to think it was you. Now he's saying it's about trust.

Yet he can spend all this time with you. He just apparently doesn't trust you enough to have sex with you. Right,

End it. It's never going to improve and will likely get worse, whatever the reason, gay, asexual, low sex drive, particular fetish, it's not going to change.

ToadOfSadness · 15/10/2018 12:35

I dated someone for a while. He would be affectionate and cuddle but would always pull away. One day he didn't pull away in time and I discovered that he had premature ejaculation problems.

There were other issues (his mother) so it ended anyway but not sure I would have been able to continue anyway as he never said anything about it, just kept avoiding the issue.

PookieDo · 15/10/2018 12:36

@Annahola

I don’t know why you keep asking this people have explained
He wants all the closeness of a normal relationship with no sex
Just because you don’t have sex doesn’t mean you can’t cuddle
He just wants a relationship with no sex. And you don’t

JuliaJaynes9 · 15/10/2018 12:41

avoiding the issue, refusing to talk about it this is about him staying in control of things
he doesn't have to explain or justify himself because he's the boss
you are there to serve his needs

Gabilan · 15/10/2018 12:43

Why does he want me to stay though?

I don't know. You don't know. He presumably does know but for some reason isn't being honest about it. In the meantime you're tying yourself in knots, which I suspect he enjoys because it gives him power.

You'll never really know why. RUN AWAY BEFORE HE FUCKS YOUR HEAD UP EVEN MORE.

JuliaJaynes9 · 15/10/2018 12:45

You're his puppet he's enjoying pulling the strings

PickAChew · 15/10/2018 12:57

I wouldn't want to stay with someone with a "lack of trust". Run!

GloriousMystery · 15/10/2018 13:01

I asked if it was because he didn't find me sexually attractive but he wouldn't answer and then said that perhaps we should end the conversation here.

There's your answer, OP. Who knows what's going on in his head, but fundamentally, surely it doesn't much matter? It's a brand-new relationship, and your head shouldn't be 'mangled' from trying to work out what's going on with someone who's giving very mixed messages, and for whom you are doing all the emotional gruntwork while he's the one with the issues.

Bobbybear10 · 15/10/2018 13:05

What is he untrusting about?

What’s the actual problem? Does he not trust you to tell everyone the size of his willy? Does he not trust you to laugh at his crapness in bed? Does he not trust you that your going to sleep with him them piss off?

I’m not sure what he doesn’t trust? You have presumably spend nights cuddling and kissing so he trusts you enough for that.

Can you see that the trust issue is actually bullshit?
If it was really down to not trusting you then he wouldn’t be getting close to you at all. If he was scared of being hurt he wouldn’t be in a relationship or certainly wouldn’t be staying at your home spooning overnight.

He’s bullshitting you, it might be ED, PE, controlling abusive behaviour, he might be trans, not find you attractive, not want to sleep with you.
It really doesn’t matter what the reason is he doesn’t want to fix it, he won’t even talk to you about it so unless you are happy to live like this then you need to get him gone.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2018 13:10

Why does he want me to stay though?
So he can mess with your head.
It's all about power and control.
It's pretty unanimous so for your own MH please please
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Alpacanorange · 15/10/2018 13:14

Get your trainers on, run and run fast. This has the potential to be very emotional damaging. Wherever his reasons you are not sexually compatible. If he wanted to perform in a way didn’t want but insisted you’d end it, this is no different. You are not suited.

e1y1 · 15/10/2018 13:19

If this was the other way round -
'My girlfriend of a few months doesn't want sex with me yet, she's been hurt in the past but had an active sex life with her ex partner...why not with me?'
Would people think she was a weirdo or had an STD?

No, but he’d get so flamed that he would be a pile of ash by the end of it.

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 13:20

I hope you will give us an update and tell us you have send him packing.

When you do, don't for one minute blame yourself or feel you are unattractive. It's not you, it's HIM. :)

If you are so desperate to hang onto him because you want a boyfriend, don't!

I can't see what is remotely attractive about a man who lies or has so little regard for you that he won't tell you the truth or indeed own up to it himself.

QueenoftheNights · 15/10/2018 13:22

e1y
If a woman was sleeping with a man, spooning and making herself some across as dead keen but didn't want to have sex, due to trust, she'd be called a cock teaser.

She'd not be getting into a man's bed and turning away from him when he tried to talk with her about it all.

artemisdubois · 15/10/2018 13:26

'Lack of trust' is a rubbish reason. Even if he really believes that, it still doesn't sound as if he's giving you any indication about what it would take for him to trust you enough to have sex with you. You've been dating for months, with him staying at your place for several days at a time? In your position I'd actually be quite offended at the lack of trust excuse.

Being asexual and not interested in sex at all with anybody?
Not wanting to have sex until married for religious or other reasons?
Not wanting to have sex until he's in love or until you've been together whatever set period of time he has in mind?
All completely OK, but absolutely need to be disclosed as soon as possible in a new relationship. He's not being fair in not telling you the whole truth and thinking he can just change the subject or string you along by being so vague.

Fact is, you want to have sex with somebody you've been dating for months but he doesn't want to have sex with you. It's very unlikely that he's suddenly going to become the sexual partner you want. Get out before it erodes your self esteem irreparably.

mamaslatts · 15/10/2018 13:28

It sounds like you have opened your heart to him several times now to try and resolve the problem whereas he hasn't really told you anything. Vague mentions of low sex drive and trust issues is not really good enough. It does sound like he is completely in control here with regards to the emotional and physical aspects of the relationship - do you ever tell him that you can't see him/he can't stay/you don't fancy spooning? It all sounds quite one sided and makes him seem quite unlikeable.

idontlikeitiloveit · 15/10/2018 13:29

Trust my ass. He just wants you to think this is your problem to navigate, rather than his.

My money is on a tiny penis.

aloeveraowyadooin · 15/10/2018 13:42

He thinks he's onto a good thing and that you are needy and easy enough for him to deceive.

Open your eyes, Run and don't look back - this cannot end in anything but disaster for you.

puffyisgood · 15/10/2018 14:17

@ idontlikeitiloveit - well presumably this [weird] thing about him being ok about OP "resting my hand or arm" on it rules that out.

this all just sounds weird from a guy in his 40s - plenty young enough for a sex element to be expected in a new 'romantic' relationship; plenty old enough to know that this would come up sooner rather than later, especially if sleepovers are involved.

all in all this just sounds really unpromising & best not pursued. the best guess by far is that he's just not into OP/just not really into physical stuff, which, I mean, is all perfectly ok but it's going to get in the way of nearly all new romantic relationships.

ChocoPoppy · 15/10/2018 14:36

How does he react if you say he cannot stay over at your place op? I would be interested in what he would do if you called time on his staying for days at a time in your home? I am sorry to say that it seems at best he has issues he is not willing to discuss with you, for whatever reason and is fobbing you off with the "trust" excuse. At worse he is a game player who likes the control of having you chase after him and is manipulating you into thinking you are the cause of his issues and they are yours to solve. I would be thinking very carefully about how to proceed from here. Take time away from him, no staying over or contact at all, clear your head and rethink things then.

Rudgie47 · 15/10/2018 18:04

I think I'd tell him to fuck off really now.Hes really dishonest and is stringing you along basically. Don't be wasting your time with him, you'd be better off out with your friends and would probably get more action.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2018 18:28

This all feels a little too 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' on his part.

I know he's being attentive and calling and wanting to meet up.

But this particular aspect is well and truly keeping you dangling, and he won't even properly talk with you about it.

Why are you continually dangling, when he won't even do you the courtesy of talking about it with you? Why is being like this SO early on in the relationship? It's weird, and I'm really not just talking about the sex aspect.

My visceral reaction to this would be a big step back, no thanks, you do a bit of the work and come to me, if you're in any way genuine.

No way in hell would I be hanging around to see what crumbs he'd throw my way next.

TomPinch · 15/10/2018 18:48

The OP's new man has already told her the problem. It's in the OP itself:

he won't have sex because he says it changes things like makes the relationship more certain in a way

IE, he is unwilling to commit to her.

This may or may not be the truth, and there may be all manner of unsaid causes behind it, but guessing at them is a waste of time. If I were the OP I would take his stated reason at face value and tell him that the current situation does not work for me and I want it to change, and I require a discussion with him about it.

Yes, it's confrontational, but it's preferable to potentially drifting into a very difficult situation.

It is not the OP's responsibility at this early stage in the relationship to find some sophisticated way of extracting information out of him and it is dangerous to her to make it so.

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