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MIL and FIL have turned up uninvited

340 replies

scrabblechampion · 14/10/2018 10:58

I don’t want them here. DH is out (sport he does every Sunday) there’s washing all over the place, the place is a tip, I’ve got a cold, there’s no food in (DH going to supermarket on the way home) and they’re sat on the sofa in the other room waiting for him.

I let them in so as to not cause a scene and now I’m crying in the bedroom.

I hate it when they do this. I’m in my 30s, I should be able to tell them to get out of my home.

Can’t get hold of DH, he leaves his phone in the car. Have left a message to come straight home and get rid of them.

They KNOW he’s out at this time. They pretended they forgot. I don’t know what they want.

OP posts:

BlueJava · 14/10/2018 11:21

Make them a cup of tea and get on with your housework! Then have words with DH when he gets in!


HollowTalk · 14/10/2018 11:21

I wish my in laws could come and visit.

What a ridiculous thing to say.


AjasLipstick · 14/10/2018 11:22

Cat because the weirdly emotive language the OP is using seems at odds with a benign situation.

All this helpless 'I don't know what they want" and "I'm crying in the bedroom" is odd!


Nanny0gg · 14/10/2018 11:23

Why are people being so shitty to the OP?

Because so many look at it from their own point of view/how they would handle it/compare it to their own situation. They don't bother to use any comprehension skills to realise that it clearly is very difficult for the OP because if it wasn't she wouldn't be posting on here.


Imeantomisbehave · 14/10/2018 11:25

It's not normal for a grown woman to he scared of her parents in law when she's in her own home. If she was living with them, relying on them for finances or similar then she would need to tow the line. But she's not. So it really doesn't matter. Hiding in her room crying? No.


onalongsabbatical · 14/10/2018 11:26

Make them and you tea, then take your tea and some food and a good book or radio or whatever and tell them you're going to have a bath then go and lie in a nice hot bath with the door locked (obviously) eating buns (other foods are available) and drinking tea and reading a good book or whatever until your DH gets home.
At some point make it clear to DH and them that this dropping by when he's not in doesn't suit you, you're an introvert and you need time to be alone in order to re-charge and you need it to be predictable and reliable. If this is the case, which I suspect.
If it's another reason find a way to articulate it. You are not obliged to like them dropping in. But own it.


AnnaMagnani · 14/10/2018 11:26

Popping in is not normal round my place. I'd be fuming.

OP give yourself a hug. Do you feel well enough to go out and leave them behind? Or can you just tell them you are poorly and stay in bed and ignore them.


Urbanbeetler · 14/10/2018 11:27

‘It’s so kind of you to come to help while I’m ill. I’ll leave you to it as I need to lie down.’


HollowTalk · 14/10/2018 11:27

No, it's not normal, which doesn't mean she's wrong to feel scared. "Not normal" just means "not usual" here. We have no idea what these in laws are like - we might all be scared of them.


lexi727 · 14/10/2018 11:27

Bless you. Tell them you have a few things to do, and ask if they would mind popping back when he is home. Then get your DH to tell them to call ahead from now on. Xx


StoppinBy · 14/10/2018 11:29

I totally get this, my PIL and other members of my husbands family would drop in after I had my baby and the house would be a pigsty, I would let them in because I wouldn't want to be rude but be thoroughly embarrassed about the pigsty that the house was in (my bub was a cruddy feeder and sleeper and some days if I got out of the feeding/holding my baby while she sleeps chair for more than 20 minutes at a time I was doing well.

For sure, I would have cried too. Even now I get so embarrassed when people turn up and the house is a bomb.... which seems to happen really quickly with two kids (and a Mummy who is not a good house wife lol) …. an hours notice and I can get the place all tidied and be ready to welcome people...…. spring it on me and I might just cry too haha.


lexi727 · 14/10/2018 11:30

And just ignore the people being rude. You're ill, your house is a mess, you didn't want visitors, I get it. I would feel the same if my own parents walked in my house right this minute! Thanks


YouTheCat · 14/10/2018 11:30

Nannyogg, I forgot about that whole comprehension thing.

I wouldn't have a problem if someone turned up announced no one ever does anyway . The house is its usual mess. I might be mildly miffed if I had plans, I suppose. But I can totally see the OP's point and feel some empathy for someone struggling.


FeralKoala · 14/10/2018 11:31

If my husband ignored my parents who had popped round rather than asking them (politely) to leave as he wasn't feeling well I'd be raising merry hell.

Just because they are inlaws and the OP isn't feeling well it doesn't mean that she should treat them like shit.


Antigon · 14/10/2018 11:31

Why are people acting faux naive on this thread? OP is clearly upset.

OP, dropping in on you unannounced all the time is rude. If it were anyone else apart from PIL doing it, everyone would be telling you it's rude and not to open the door to them.

Can you tell them you have to go out and tell them to speak to DH and re-arrange when he is back? I bet they know DH keeps his phone in his car.


Beesandfrogsandfleas · 14/10/2018 11:31

They live an hour away, they'd plenty of time to send a message to say they were thinking of coming. It's not easy but big girl pants and a dose of hell-no-not-putting-up-with-this-for-rest-of-life is needed.
Tell them it doesn't suit you for them to come round unexpectedly. Tell them they must call first to check. Repeat, don't apologise. Broken record technique.


Womaningreen · 14/10/2018 11:32


on my planet, it's not normal to turn up uninvited, even neighbours text first if they need to pop by.

this is unacceptable and if it causes you stress, I don't blame you at all. I couldn't bear to feel I was at risk of being invaded like that.

personally I think it's not a bad idea to go and cry at them to go away!


Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/10/2018 11:32

OP , tell them you're unsure how long, he's actually going to be, maybe they can come back another time, as you have your own plans.
Don't be upset Lovely, just get rid of them !


Notverygrownup · 14/10/2018 11:33

What's happened to MN today??? No-one has asked whether the op has small children - she may not just be able to pack up and go out, when it's pouring with rain and she feels ill. She may not want to. But her in-laws of whom she is scared have rocked up and she made the mistake of answering the door - or maybe they have a spare key.

OP, if you are still reading, be gentle on yourself. You need to discuss this with your dh later - maybe you do have an in law problem or maybe you have a dh problem if he doesn't support you in managing his parents.

Make yourself tea and if you don't want them in your bedroom curl up in a chair with a blanket/hot water bottle if you can. If they don't take the hint and go, then keep things as calm and neutral as possible,

MIL: Aren't you going to offer us tea?
You: Sorry I'm really not feeling well. Do make yourselves one.
FIL: When did you say that dh is getting back
You: He didn't tell me.
Kids: Muuuuuum, can we have a drink?
You: Here it is. Now go and show grandma your new legocards
MIL: Can I help you with sorting your washing?
You: I would really rather that you didn't.
Dog: Woof
You: Cuddle?

Best of luck


ohello · 14/10/2018 11:33

OP you don't even have to confront them if you don't want. If they have a key then just change the locks, you're allowed to do things without their permission. It's okay.

And then, the next time they show up uninvited, just don't answer the door. Regardless how far they traveled, it's disrespectful I think anyway to just drop by. You don't owe them a thing and they will eventually figure out that dropping by isn't going to get them what they want. With my own house, I made sure that the curtain situation is such, that I can always look outside to the front porch without anyone seeing me. That way, if I don't want to answer the door, I don't. Smile

Hope you feel better.


Womaningreen · 14/10/2018 11:33

PS Also I don't tolerate people who cause scenes, I used to be scared but now such people are not allowed in my home. This has included me telling my own father to get out.

you need to have a serious talk with DH when he gets in.


JuliaJaynes9 · 14/10/2018 11:34

Usher them out
get rid of them


EK36 · 14/10/2018 11:34

Next time don't answer the door if you're feeling unwell or emotional. A couple of times I haven't let my FIL in at the weekend when my husband was at work. Due to being ill, or about to jump in to bath. Other times I let him in & make him a cup of tea. It's up to him if he wants to sit and wait. While i carry on my jobs e.g. folding laudry, cooking in the kitchen. Often after twenty minutes he 'll say he's going. just make them a cuppa and get on with your jobs. Jump in the bath if you need to.


CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/10/2018 11:34

Whereas if my DH ignored my parents who had popped round, after being asked not to, knowing I would be out doing my usual Sunday sport, I would be quite impressed that he hadn't just closed the door in their faces!

Then again DH and I long ago agreed that our parent are/were horrendously selfish people. We came to mutual agreements as to how we would handle them.

Maybe that is why I don't think OPs reaction is odd. Sad, yes. But totally understandable if she is unlucky enough to have PILs like my parents and ILs


Beesandfrogsandfleas · 14/10/2018 11:34

feralkoala Maybe treating them like shit would get the message across that they are unwelcome visitors and they should go away. In what way have they treated the OP well turning up without notice or invite when they know this is unwelcome? I dont see any shits being given on their side.

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