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AIBU?

MIL and FIL have turned up uninvited

340 replies

scrabblechampion · 14/10/2018 10:58

I don’t want them here. DH is out (sport he does every Sunday) there’s washing all over the place, the place is a tip, I’ve got a cold, there’s no food in (DH going to supermarket on the way home) and they’re sat on the sofa in the other room waiting for him.

I let them in so as to not cause a scene and now I’m crying in the bedroom.

I hate it when they do this. I’m in my 30s, I should be able to tell them to get out of my home.

Can’t get hold of DH, he leaves his phone in the car. Have left a message to come straight home and get rid of them.

They KNOW he’s out at this time. They pretended they forgot. I don’t know what they want.

OP posts:

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Graphista · 14/10/2018 16:48

"It’s normal to pop by" not for everyone - I would find it extremely anxiety inducing and there are many mners that feel the same. In this day and age there's absolutely NO reason they couldn't have called/text first to see if it was convenient.

I remember being too compliant when younger. Nowadays I just make it clear I don't accept unexpected visitors, and any that do turn up I tell them I'm not up to it and they need to check before coming next time. But that's taken time and learning not to gaf about people who don't gaf about me! U have a door entry system here which I LOVE so easy to control who comes to my home.

I too think it's bloody rude to just show up at someone's home without ANY warning. Absolutely no need for it. Householders could have plans for that day, be ill, be stressed, be expecting someone else... NO need for it.

DEFINITELY no need to DEMAND op call dh to tell him to come home! Wtf! Is he not allowed a life?!

And by the sounds of things this is repeated bad behaviour from them. Has dh said anything to them about this? If not why not?

"You're a grown woman. Why are you crying over visitors" and THERE speaks someone with no compassion, no empathy and no understanding of what a nightmare toxic families can be!

Also have none of you ever cried due to feeling ill and stressed and then something else tips you over the edge? So unsympathetic and cruel!

"If they came in with their own key then you feign sleep and they would leave." Mostly on mn it's in laws, in my case it's parents. I'm very low contact and it's very much on my terms now BUT this would not have worked on them! They'd have woken me or their son/DIL up, and probably told them off for being "poor hosts"

Mn is supposed to be supportive - shame on those of you that have criticised and shamed op further!

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legofriendly · 14/10/2018 16:49

Well I’ll opt out now as I’ve been accused of setting up this entire thread and that takes everything away from the OP’s issues.

Trying to gag people over issues that happen to many, day in and day out, is huge on this board. It is a shame.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2018 16:51

If they don’t have phones, there are phone boxes. Really? Are you sure? BT has been removing steadily removing them over the last few years.

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FridayThirteenth · 14/10/2018 16:56

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CoughLaughFart · 14/10/2018 17:36

Just imagine, if you possibly can, how you would feel if (1) your parents turned up when you were out and your husband had a fit of the vapours (2) you were the in law, hoping to have a nice hour or so with your son and daughter in law, and got such a reception.

You make them sound like Ma and Pa Walton. The OP has said she’s scared of these people. If they were so looking forward to the ‘nice’ visit, why not ring or text before driving for an hour to get there?

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DontMakeMeShushYou · 14/10/2018 17:39

And for those that are about to post “victim mentality “ or “snowflake” about her disappearance, well perhaps she isn’t as strong/harsh/hard as you.

And herein lies the problem. It's no wonder they place such emphasis on teaching resilience to schoolchildren these days.

The OP chose to post in AIBU and it hardly takes a genius to work out that it isn't the fluffiest board on MN. If she wanted support it wasn't the best place to get it. Her last post was a classic PA flounce. She's mortally offended that her PIL 'forgot' that her DH would be out, but it seems she doesn't see the irony in having forgotten herself how far he is going to be running.

Now, I can see that lots of posters coming on here and saying that she should just woman up and tell them to go isn't helpful if she isn't up to that and might well make her feel worse. But equally, a whole lot of posters just saying "There, there, isn't it awful", is also monumentally unhelpful. Don't think that sympathising in that way gives you the moral high ground.

If the OP is still reading this thread then I am sorry that an unexpected visit from your ILs makes you feel like this. You are not wrong to feel like this, but it is not healthy that you do. You need to speak to your DH if he is supportive so that he can stand up to his parents if that is what is needed. You also need to work on your self-esteem - your ILs making a scene on your doorstep or your house being a mess really aren't big deals. It only matters to you because you feel you need positive approval from everyone, including people you either don't know well (neighbours) or don't like (ILs). Basically it sounds as though you need everyone to like you. You'll find life easier once you learn to like yourself for who you are and not for what others think of you, and realise that it doesn't matter if some people don't like you. Please do consider speaking to your doctor about your anxiety and self-esteem as they might well be aware of courses and techniques that can help you.

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LakieLady · 14/10/2018 17:47

Are they incapable of using the phone to call him themselves? Tell them you're ill, so you're going back to bed and they can help themselves to tea.

This is exactly what I did when my then MIL turned up unannounced while my DH was out! It was included in his divorce petition as evidence of my unreasonable behaviour.

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smallfootpercy · 14/10/2018 17:48

"She's mortally offended that her PIL 'forgot' that her DH would be out, but it seems she doesn't see the irony in having forgotten herself how far he is going to be running."

That's unfair. My OH cycles every weekend at the same time, has done for years, everyone knows he does it, but I'm blowed if I can remember every sodding week where he's going or for how many miles.

"your ILs making a scene on your doorstep or your house being a mess really aren't big deals"

Also unfair. We don't know what a "scene" means. My cousin once shouted swear words over and over at me in the middle of a shop because I'd asked her not to swear in front of my daughter. Do you think I'd want to be forced into going shopping with her ever again?

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DontMakeMeShushYou · 14/10/2018 17:56

Also unfair. We don't know what a "scene" means.

Absolutely not unfair, IMO. So the ILs make a scene on her doorstep - who is going to look like the unreasonable twat? If any of the neighbours think it is the OP, why the fuck would she care about their opinions - they'd clearly be fuckwits! Who looked like the unreasonable twat in your scenario? I'm not sure what relevance the thing about being forced to go shopping with her again is - how were you thinking that related to the OPs situation.

The thing about the forgetting is also not unfair. Obviously everyone forgets - it's life. My point was that she felt it reasonable for her to forget but had a different set of standards for her ILs.

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emmeyebea · 14/10/2018 18:09

I despair of this place sometimes.

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Jux · 14/10/2018 18:18

My MIL knew dh's schedule back to front. She knew he would be busy between 6 and 9 every week night, and she knew that was when I got in from Uni and about the only 7nint3rrupted study time I had (I had 3 pt jobs too). Every evening, without fail, she rang at 6.30 and asked for dh who would refuse to break off his business to speak to her so she'd say "well, it is terribly important, so I'll tell you." She would then babble ^completely inconsequentially for up to 45 minutes, gossip about her neighbours, gossip about celebrities etc while I would try to end the call so I could get back to my study (Finals coming up in 6 weeks).

My best mate told me to be rude, to just say "hi, sorry, I'm really busy, goodbye" hang up.

It felt really shitty and she stopped doing it when Finals were finished.

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ButchyRestingFace · 14/10/2018 18:25

Every evening, without fail, she rang at 6.30 and asked for dh who would refuse to break off his business to speak to her so she'd say "well, it is terribly important, so I'll tell you." She would then babble ^completely inconsequentially for up to 45 minutes,

Why didn't you just unplug the phone?

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Beesandfrogsandfleas · 14/10/2018 18:25

Jux did you not reach the point of not answering? Unless I’m in the mood for a chat I don’t answer. The joys of answering machines.
The debate between those who think “popping in” unannounced is ok and those who don’t seems of a similar scale to the shoes on/off one, and neither side is going to change their views. Good manners would dictate finding out what the other person prefers and doing thatS

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TheWiseWomansFear · 14/10/2018 18:30

Tbf I would hate that, like they're stealing your day from you... we only get 2 days in a weekend and I usually have plans

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ChocolateCard · 14/10/2018 18:36

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Jux · 14/10/2018 18:36

DH was self-employed and every phone call was potential work, so no unplugging no not answering. Too broke to buy and answerphone either.

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LakieLady · 14/10/2018 18:37

If you're still reading OP, please don't take any notice of the posters for whom any visitor, any time is ok and have had a bit of a go at you.

YANBU, and I hope you're ok.

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Davespecifico · 14/10/2018 18:38

Hope you're ok OP.x

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Banamara · 14/10/2018 18:38

Four rings on my mobile and then it goes to VM. I get back to those I want to speak to and ignore the rest. If there is a crisis a text message or Whatsapp message will usually follow. Depending on the "crisis" I usually ignore those too. lol.

Anyway I think calling in ad lib is just rude. Boundaries and manners do not exist for some people.

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ButchyRestingFace · 14/10/2018 18:41

DH was self-employed and every phone call was potential work, so no unplugging no not answering. Too broke to buy and answerphone either.

If it was potential work for him then he should have been answering the phone.

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Havaina · 14/10/2018 18:44

@Jux I hope you aced your finals and rubbed them in her face.

Agree with pp, some nasty posters on this thread, and OP's not one of them.

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/10/2018 18:53

Jux as if you answered the phone every single evening knowing it would be your MIL 🤔

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UnknownStuntman · 14/10/2018 19:14

Well who couldn't have predicted that reappearance?

If you'd have read her subsequent posts in your haste to defend another obnoxious MIL, you'd have known the answer already.

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/10/2018 19:20

Get a life Unknown and stop stalking me

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OwlofBrown · 14/10/2018 19:26

Every evening, without fail, she rang at 6.30 and asked for dh who would refuse to break off his business to speak to her so she'd say "well, it is terribly important, so I'll tell you." She would then babble ^completely inconsequentially for up to 45 minutes, gossip about her neighbours, gossip about celebrities etc while I would try to end the call so I could get back to my study (Finals coming up in 6 weeks).

I don't know about your MIL problems but it sounds as though you have a serious DH problem. Every call needing to be answered because it might be work, yet too busy working to take the calls? With him knowing that you were trying to study? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree it seems.

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