To think she's a scruffbag

[cosyjimjams]

NC for this, I promise I am a regular user (sister and friends on here)
My DD (12) is extremely lazy when it comes to her personal hygiene.
Bit of a backstory, she's pretty overweight and has started her period around a year so as you can imagine puberty has hit big time. She has started smelling of b.o on a daily basis, her hair is becoming greasy a lot quicker than usual and she is lying about brushing her teeth.
If we tell her it's bath time after her tea she literally tries every trick in the book to get out of going in it (tired, hungry, headache, thirsty and so on) I have never ever known her to just go and get a bath or shower off her own back. If it's also washing hair night then the attitude we get off her is disgraceful. If she's on her period then she doesn't seem to care that she has a slight odour about her and that it's the most important time of the month to be clean.
We have bought her deodorants and kids perfume and explained the importance of spraying every morning and every evening after her bath as her school uniform is now becoming stained under the armpits from sweating through the day.
On a morning before school we have to physically take her to the bathroom to brush her teeth or she lies and says she has already.
Is every kid such hard work like this or just our daughter?
Before anyone asks, she has no SN she is a very bright and clever young girl.
I would have thought at secondary school she would be more inclined to start looking after herself a little bit more and being more clean and tidy. She won't even brush her hair unless she's physically handed a hairbrush.
Don't get me started on the state of her bedroom. It's like she's destined to just be a scruff. She's told us that kids at school have said she smells and it's just gutting that whatever we are telling her is not going in. We don't want our daughter being known as the smelly kid at school.
Her dad and I are both clean and well presented so we don't understand where we have gone wrong.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can start making some changes. It would be a great help!

[BumbleBored]

Interested because my 13 year old son is the same :(

[Aprilislonggone]

Have you actually told her she will lose friends and get bullied?
Tough love.
Hide phone charger, let phone die, returned after a bath.
TV remote removed til after teeth brushed.
Tough love needed op.

[Pleasehelpme433]

My DS 13 was exactly the same up until a year or so ago then suddenly changed overnight - he now won’t to go school in the morning without showering and cleaning teeth -

[penisbeakers]

Seems like she's depressed too. You should probably look at incentives for these things. Reward her each week when she performs appropriate personal hygiene for seven days. If she skips anything, no reward. Make it something you know she will really want.

[QueenDoria]

I suggest a 'tidy up day' when you go into her room and tidy it WITH her (not just sending her to do it herself..:) then reward this with new pictures or cushions or homeward in her room. And buy fluffy towels and a new hairdryerfora 'spa' day...?

[Livedandlearned2]

My ds was the same until he got to about 13 or 14 and then he suddenly.showered voluntarily and brushed his teeth regularly without me nagging at all it was groundbreaking.

I don't know what made the change come about, but it did! Good luck, I feel your pain with my youngest who is 13.

[IsTheRainEverComingBack]

Is she depressed? This isn’t the behaviour of a happy person.

[cosyjimjams]

Yes we have told her people won't want to be friends with her and she just shrugs and says if people don't want to be friends with her for stupid reasons then they aren't worth having as friends.
We've taken her phone off her before tea and say she can have it back after a bath etc. She does begrudgingly go in the bath it's just a nightmare getting her there.
I just wish she would start doing these things off her own back. She sees them as a massive inconvenience when they are basic daily musts.

[Hoopaloop]

Bathtime after dinner for a 12 year old?

[Thenewdoctor]

She will change when she hits about 15 and gets interested in boys.

Then the house will stink like a hoors parlour of cheap body spray, lynx if you have boys.

I’d make her do teeth though.

[garethsouthgatesmrs]

From the POV of her smelling at school could you suggest a morning shower? Is she wearing a fresh shirt every day and is there a stringer deodorant she could use? How often does she bath, would a shower be less of a struggle?

I think I would sit down and have a "talk" with her, she is the only one who can explain why she seems not to care. Most teenagers would be mortifued to be told they smell by parents and by peers so there must be a reason why it's not sinking in.

I would continue to nag her about it

[AmateurSwami]

My son was similar though he does have SEN. I’m afraid I went the tough love route too- hygiene is non Negotiable

[Snappedandfarted2018]

You meantion her weight could that be a factor in why she’s unhappy and not making an effort?

[garethsouthgatesmrs]

stronger

[Catmum26]

have you asked her why she doesn’t want to wash or be clean? could she be depressed? you’ve said shes pretty overweight could she be feeling bad about herself and therefore doesn’t want to take care of herself? when i was severely depressed i didn’t wash or brush my hair for days. i just didn’t feel like i wanted to take care of myself because i hated myself. it’s unsual for a teenage girl to be told she smells and still not want to do anything about it. could you suggest a pamper evening just you and her? get some nice bath bombs from lush or some bubble bath and do each other’s nails, spend some girly time with her and try and get to the route of the issue

[cosyjimjams]

She's a perfectly happy kid, very vibrant and funny. Very intelligent is top of her classes at school. She is crafty and arty and loves to read but also enjoys playing sports and swimming.
I do clean her room, the only thing I require of her is to put her own clothes away but she just dumps them on the floor. She will leave plates, cups etc in there so I'm having to put a ban on them in bedrooms.
I don't expect her to hoover or anything like that.
She actually doesn't have any chores around the house to be honest we don't ask anything of her yet as her dad thinks she's too young yet.
We bought her a hairdryer for her birthday a 'cool' one. It's still in its box.
She has lots of pamper sets, bath bombs and shower creams. Lots of girly nail varnishes and new pjs and dressing gown and comfy slippers.
It's as though she isn't interested in comfort.
I don't mind if she isn't girly I just want her to be clean. It's starting to cause arguments at home between me and her dad.
Thank you for the replies I'm glad to hear that she could possibly grow out of it !

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

Is there a reason why you want her to have a bath in the evening instead of showering in the morning? Surely she’d be cleaner for school if she had just showered before getting dressed?

[averageisgood]

I remember being like this. I couldn't do anything outside of my routine. Once stuck in a pattern, I couldn't get out of it. I have now got a diagnosis of Aspergers.
I think the only way is to introduce one hygiene task a day, until it becomes part of her routine. You will have to go gently, no matter how difficult you find this. So say a bath/shower once every few days rather than once a day, until it becomes routine etc. There is not point telling her she smells etc. if she thinks she is fine.

[notsorighteousthesedays]

I agree with others and would be very worried about her mental health. You clearly find her disgusting and her defence is to not care about herself at all - what if she did all you said and you still found her repulsive? Where could she go from there?

[lightlypoached]

My DD is 19 and still has a floordrobe. Really irritating.

Re hygiene that's all pretty normal. Just keep at it until she starts to do it voluntarily

Kids. Filthy bio-hazards.

[FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones]

My Dsis was like that as a teenager, both her kids have been diagnosed with ADHD and she suspects she has it too - despite the fact she did well at school. Is DD disorganised? Does she have social issues? Perhaps ASD?

Obviously it could well not be either of those and a messy room and BO wouldn't suggest ASD alone just suggesting in case in rang true with other aspects of DD you hadn't mentioned.

[cosyjimjams]

She's a nightmare to get up on a morning. It's hard enough getting her to brush teeth never mind a shower. She's like a zombie.
In response to a pp, yes she has a bath after dinner? Around 7pm I don't see why that matters?
Her dad and myself also need to have showers and chill out too so she goes in first then we have ours after.
She has a bath every evening, I always make sure. I have to run it for her as otherwise she just would pretend she's been in, which she has done before.
She's not depressed about her weight: I don't think she is aware of her body at the moment as she has never mentioned it (it's us that can see she's gaining weight and have been making subtle changes to her diet) but we do feed her a healthy diet, she eats the same as us. However her grandparents on both sides feed her whatever crap they can pump her with while she's there much to our protests.

[cosyjimjams]

I do not find my own daughter disgusting and repulsive. Where did I say that? Stop it.

[Dragongirl10]

Do you have a shower op, it is much quicker and easier to wash hair....l have a DD12 and Ds11, dd loves showering, DS has to be told EVERY time..

So as l get up, l go and wake him, and literally grab his hand, and lead him into the bathroom, pass him the shampoo and say time for a shower before breakfast! It is a pain but he is then clean for school. I still check they are both cleaning their teeth too......

I brook no excuses and am VERY firm, no discussion, just 'you are having a shower now.'...
No amount of products can hide BO or greasy hair.

Re her bedroom, Saturday mornings have the WIFI off, tv off, and tell her you will get he a lovely breakfast once her room is clean and tidy.

Be tougher! mine have been putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket since they were 6......

[Kittykat93]

I find it strange she doesn't want to brush her teeth - I get the shower dodging - lots of kids are like it at that age. But not brushing teeth is horrible and she will get bullied for smelling.

I would be very clear and say that she smells and it is important for her to maintain hygiene. Just keep nagging every single day, I'm sure she will soon get the message.

I used to hate showering as a kid, but as soon as mum used to tell me to get in I would, no arguments. Just put your foot down like you would with anything else