To think she's a scruffbag

[cosyjimjams]

NC for this, I promise I am a regular user (sister and friends on here)
My DD (12) is extremely lazy when it comes to her personal hygiene.
Bit of a backstory, she's pretty overweight and has started her period around a year so as you can imagine puberty has hit big time. She has started smelling of b.o on a daily basis, her hair is becoming greasy a lot quicker than usual and she is lying about brushing her teeth.
If we tell her it's bath time after her tea she literally tries every trick in the book to get out of going in it (tired, hungry, headache, thirsty and so on) I have never ever known her to just go and get a bath or shower off her own back. If it's also washing hair night then the attitude we get off her is disgraceful. If she's on her period then she doesn't seem to care that she has a slight odour about her and that it's the most important time of the month to be clean.
We have bought her deodorants and kids perfume and explained the importance of spraying every morning and every evening after her bath as her school uniform is now becoming stained under the armpits from sweating through the day.
On a morning before school we have to physically take her to the bathroom to brush her teeth or she lies and says she has already.
Is every kid such hard work like this or just our daughter?
Before anyone asks, she has no SN she is a very bright and clever young girl.
I would have thought at secondary school she would be more inclined to start looking after herself a little bit more and being more clean and tidy. She won't even brush her hair unless she's physically handed a hairbrush.
Don't get me started on the state of her bedroom. It's like she's destined to just be a scruff. She's told us that kids at school have said she smells and it's just gutting that whatever we are telling her is not going in. We don't want our daughter being known as the smelly kid at school.
Her dad and I are both clean and well presented so we don't understand where we have gone wrong.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can start making some changes. It would be a great help!

Someone at school will tell her she smells and then she will be more concerned.

I have a lazy 11 year old boy. I turn on shower or bath daily and dunk him in there. I'll literally hand him the sponge with gel or soap on it and stand over him. I'll wash his hair as he's useless at rinsing it out. I then stand over him re his teeth and same with deodorant.

This is shocking- you shouldn't be in the bathroom when your 11 yo is naked .very inappropriate and blurring boundaries

She has new shirts for this year. One for each day of the week and they have already started to stain yellow under the armpits. I always boil wash whites so there is no reason this should be happening. I can only assume she is sweating profusely through the day and it's leaving it's mark. I honestly don't know why though I wish I did. None of our clothes are like that.
I think the idea of talking about hygiene around her is a good idea, especially if I say to her dad he stinks or something and go get a shower, she may start to click on it's socially unacceptable to smell.
She isn't yet interested in boys as such, but I can imagine once she is as a pp suggested we will never get her out of the bathroom!
I honestly think she's just genuinely a scruffy kid (my cousin was the same growing up and I never understood it) I guess some kids are and some kids aren't no matter how much prompting and nagging we do.
Over the weekend I'm going to speak to her again and just say that me and her dad have started noticing she is getting a bit whiffy and that we are going to need to buy her new school shirts already. I'm going to give her the same anti perspirant I wear and tell her that we should be finishing them at the same time.
I'm also going to get her up early doors and tell her no breakfast until she's had a shower. She's already restricted on her social media until she's had her evening meal and washed anyway but it will be further restricted if she continues moaning and groaning about it.
She is capable of chores I fully agree with this, it's her dad who thinks that she shouldn't be washing pots or helping around the house yet. Please don't ask why but he won't budge.
Thanks again to everyone's advice it really has been so helpful.

If you use shower gel, switch to soap. If her skin is dry, she'll need to moisturise afterwards, but it does seem to reduce BO.

My DD gets very easily distracted, I have to hang around upstairs on shower nights to make sure everything gets done, she's been known to get out of the shower without rinsing conditioner off on several occasions! I stand outside the bathroom and yell instructions every few minutes.

She is capable of chores I fully agree with this, it's her dad who thinks that she shouldn't be washing pots or helping around the house yet. Please don't ask why but he won't budge

He doesn’t have to ask her to do chores but he can’t stop you from asking her.

OP I've skimmed some of the posts, apologies if this appears insensitive but being completely objective, could she be doing this deliberately to discourage sexual attention? Kids at school etc. Obvs I don't know you and don't wish to offend just thinking around the why does she not want to be clean question. I did note you said she's happy but just thought I'd throw it out there. Hopefully it's just a teenage rebellion that she will realise needs to change.

@Letsmove1t it's not something I would have thought but it's worth thinking about yes. Anything is at this stage. Thank you.

Can I just say, being "bright and clever" does NOT mean there is no SEN present. My DD is bright and clever, and is diagnosed ASD/Dyspraxia and other SLD's.
Tb h your DD does sound like she needs a referral to CAMHS as the extreme soap dodging etc doesn't sound normal to me. .

I understand that but trust me. My child does not have any additional needs. There are no concerns from anyone, teachers, family, doctors, friends etc. We are all completely confident that she is a very forward, functioning 12 year old girl. There are no behavioural issues, no additional learning needs, no emotional issues, no secrets she's hiding, no mental health issues, she's completely supported in everything she does. She has glowing school reports, she is very loving and happy.
She's just lazy and unclean and I do appreciate the advice but I know my child and if I had any concerns whatsoever regarding any problems she was having I would know about it.

I feel like you have literally described me as a child! Teflecting back the only thing I can explain is that I was lazy, and didn’t really care. Though I did care what others thought of me but not enough to make an effort. I grew out of it but not until I was a late teenager. Wasn’t really interested in boys until uni so while all my friends were getting into make up etc I really wasn’t interested. Hope your chat works op x

I'm glad you're getting some workable ideas from this thread. Can I just suggest that it may help to give her control over something while insisting on necessary standards. For example, rather than deciding you will insist she has a shower in the morning in place of the evening bath, discuss with her that there are now two alternatives, bath in the evening or shower in the morning. So that when you are getting her up and insisting on the shower, you are able to say, if you didn't want a shower this morning you needed to have a bath last night.

Good luck.

If she seems happy as a general rule, I wouldn’t be too worried. Two of mine were like that at different ages, and they got over it. When my son was 12 he went on a school camp for a week and was quite chuffed when he got home as none of his mates showered for the week they were away, they just “pretended” to when told. Gross. 🙄

It’s frustrating and annoying at the time though, when they seem uncaring about their personal hygiene. All I could do was keep on at them for regular showers, teeth cleaning and hair brushing.

And give her chores, she’s more than old enough to have some responsibility around the house!

I'm a supersoft parent in almost everything but this is the one area I'm blunt in. I just say: 'You can't go into school smelling. It's not fair on other people. It's unkind and rude to stink when you have the chance to be clean. And it makes nice people dislike you which is no fun for you.'

DS2 has been a bit bath-resistant since puberty. I revert to the toddler trick of offering two options both of which I want:

Do you want a shower or a bath tonight?
Either remember to wash your hair or use dry shampoo. (I hate dry shampoo but it's better than stinky hair.)

I recommend getting her some dry shampoo for greasy hair and baby wipes for under arms. Take her school shirt from her bedroom when you say goodnight and stick it in the wash so she has to put a clean one on each morning. None of this beats regular bathing but it's better than nothing. She'll grow out of it. DS is much better now (aged 16)

@finn1020 that really made me laugh. Kids are gross aren't they!

@Pythonesque I really, really like that idea. Thank you. Completely doable. "If you don't want to shower now, then you have one after school tonight" I think that will give her some form of control over it and will make it very clear that she has a shower/bath regardless every single day. It may even help her to initiate it herself.

@OP yellow staining comes from deodorant. Not sweat. So she could be using it but it could be making her smell worse.

I know if I use anything other than Dove original blue top roll-on then I stink worse by the end of the day than if I hadn't worn any. I can't use sprays as they make me stink too. Some really react badly with certain skin bacterias on some people. My sister is the same and my best friend. When I use the dove one? Not a whiff. For days if I had to go that long.

Is there a family member or friend she looks up to?

Niece similar a while ago. Very shower shy.

We had a girls night, showers, fresh PJs, pedicures, I did her hair (said I wouldn’t until she washed it) let her use all my stuff.

She’s come through that phase now and is fresh n clean. It’s (probably) a phase.

I genuinely can’t work out what there is not to like about showering though...

Another one with a soap dodger! It drives me crackers. She’s so bright but it’s a constant stream of ‘have you changed your knickers?’ ‘Have you brushed your teeth’ etc.

She loves make up but will happily put a load on a dirty face.

She showered (under duress) this morning and by late afternoon she was smelling like an onion after ‘forgetting’ to put deodorant on after her shower. I admit that I lost my shit in New Loom changing rooms when I caught the whiff, once again. I told her it was unacceptable for her to forget to put deodorant on and the smell would get in her clothes, which fell to me to remove and she would be forever remembered as the smelly kid in school if she continued...she’s so thick skinned she just grunted at me.

You’re not alone OP. I’m now on the micromanagement stage because my DD would happily have our cleaner pick up her dirty knickers off the floor

Also same goes when I use any fruity or perfumed shower gels. They make my skin and smell worse!!

Get her some sanex or aveeno wash and dove and see if it changes anything ❤

Thanks @AlphaBravo I will get her some. That's what I use myself, blue top dove. She asked for the Nivea with all the little flowers on the bottle when we were last in boots.
I'll switch it and see if it makes a difference. Thanks

@gothefcktosleep that's a lovely idea. Thank you I will suggest this weekend sending dad to the pub and having a girly night with a movie and some sweets. But first a home spa experience a la me

Huh @fruitofautumn?

Please please please try and sort this out ASAP. My brother is 30 and only just started showering daily. We never had chores and I feel it has really hindered me being able to keep a house clean but I was always pretty clean myself.
My brother would literally leave all his clothes on the bathroom floor for my mum to pick up, wash, iron and put away. He has all his meals made and brought to him. He washes about twice a week if he can be bothered and teeth brushing is about the same. Last year he had a rash on his head and discovered he had a pretty aggressive fungal skin infection due to his poor hygiene. As you can imagine he is single and has never had a girlfriend.
Try anything you can to get her to take a shower before school. If her hair is greasy, wash it daily. If she loves swimming maybe she could join a before school swim club? Also starting chores wouldn't be the worst thing, I would expect her to be putting washing to basket, stripping and making bed, dishes a couple nights a week at her age. I think you've had the conversations with her about cleanliness/puberty, I would probably just enforce the rules a little, no negotiation about a daily shower. It will be less of battle eventually, just need to make it a new routine for her. You really don't want her to be the smelly kid.

Awww, I hope you have the best time! quite excited for you ☺️

It would have driven me mad to have a bath everyday at that age! It takes so long, so if she doesn't enjoy it there'll be zero motivation to have one. I've never liked showering, bathing or washing my hair (I do it though, obviously.) What worked for me was a quick shower straight after I got in from school (now work), then the rest of the evening is 'mine' and I don't need to think about it again.

I think she just isn't body aware yet. She just doesn't care about her body and has more important things that she'd rather do. It seems that people want to bring SN into every problem these days. I'd be a bit worried though if she has weight on her as I'd be afraid that she might be rejecting her body.

Thats a shame , i'dsuggest her take a quick shower in the evening instead of a bath i hate baths & never go for them. She does sound lazy & it's sad that she doesn't care if people will think shes smelly etc she should definetly care, id hate for her to be bullied. I would maybe say if you don't start taken showers every second/third day , clean teeth , brush hair, spray deodrant for school. Ull be taken all gadgets untill she starts , dnt just do it for one day etc do it for a few days if she wont comply , u aint asking for much so don't feel bad, u obviously want her to look after herself x