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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think she's a scruffbag

172 replies

cosyjimjams · 13/10/2018 22:12

NC for this, I promise I am a regular user (sister and friends on here)
My DD (12) is extremely lazy when it comes to her personal hygiene.
Bit of a backstory, she's pretty overweight and has started her period around a year so as you can imagine puberty has hit big time. She has started smelling of b.o on a daily basis, her hair is becoming greasy a lot quicker than usual and she is lying about brushing her teeth.
If we tell her it's bath time after her tea she literally tries every trick in the book to get out of going in it (tired, hungry, headache, thirsty and so on) I have never ever known her to just go and get a bath or shower off her own back. If it's also washing hair night then the attitude we get off her is disgraceful. If she's on her period then she doesn't seem to care that she has a slight odour about her and that it's the most important time of the month to be clean.
We have bought her deodorants and kids perfume and explained the importance of spraying every morning and every evening after her bath as her school uniform is now becoming stained under the armpits from sweating through the day.
On a morning before school we have to physically take her to the bathroom to brush her teeth or she lies and says she has already.
Is every kid such hard work like this or just our daughter?
Before anyone asks, she has no SN she is a very bright and clever young girl.
I would have thought at secondary school she would be more inclined to start looking after herself a little bit more and being more clean and tidy. She won't even brush her hair unless she's physically handed a hairbrush.
Don't get me started on the state of her bedroom. It's like she's destined to just be a scruff. She's told us that kids at school have said she smells and it's just gutting that whatever we are telling her is not going in. We don't want our daughter being known as the smelly kid at school.
Her dad and I are both clean and well presented so we don't understand where we have gone wrong.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can start making some changes. It would be a great help!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 14/10/2018 00:08

I went from soap dodger to coming home at lunch time to shower.

I think it's just her age. Dd was a terrible dodger of showers at 12.

RuggerHug · 14/10/2018 00:10

OP I know you said no health issues but how is she sleeping/tiredness wise? Because I had a fair while when I was a teen of not showering/ pretending to in the morning because I was so exhausted I would turn the shower on and sleep on the floor. It turned out I was severely anemic and was barely functioning. In the mornings I could do my teeth, get dressed ,zombie around school and be useless when I got in. The heavy periods I was having were a huge part of it.

Stillme1 · 14/10/2018 00:17

I had a child like this who is now an adult. There was no real improvement while still at home. We did things like tell her to get in the bath/shower and remove all soap from the bathroom then ask did you use soap when we knew there was none.
When grown up they found a partner who also had a very loose idea about cleanliness in all shapes and forms.

Candlelights2345 · 14/10/2018 00:17

In our house daily showering is non negotiable. I think your going to have to be really firm with her. You know best how she’ll take an honest conversation, and it shouldn’t be hurtful to her, but I have no qualms in telling DS13, he stinks and to get washed when he tries the soap dodging. It’s unpleasant and like someone else says socially unacceptable.
My DD10 loves a bath but will try to get away without teeth brushing Confused - again she gets sent back to do it (much protesting).

Rebecca36 · 14/10/2018 00:18

Perhaps you could get someone else to have a quiet word with her, that might work.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 14/10/2018 00:18

just piping in to agree that she should have chores, with all due respect it seems like you havent quite accepted her age yet. ( perhaps its more fair to say your DH hasnt)

Holdingonbarely · 14/10/2018 00:26

I genuinely don’t know how people don’t how people get out of that fuzzy eyed fudge in the morning without a shower.

And does your husband do any chores?

madmomma · 14/10/2018 00:29

My eldest girl was like this. I took a zero tolerance approach. Literally stood outside the shower and sniffed her pits before I let her out. She wasn't allowed downstairs til she'd brushed her teeth. Vanish spray on the armpits of all her tops before the wash. Only sure cotton dry would keep her fresh for a few hours. It was a slog but she's 21 now and grateful that I got her into clean habits. Hold the line! I've just started the whole process with the younger two, who are preteen. I'll not have smelly kids. No way.

Jagblue · 14/10/2018 00:32

We have a 13 year old son. I'm abrupt if something needs doing.
We get on very well and we are close so I feel I can say get a shower or brush your teeth.
He isn't reluctant to do it but I still have to say every morning have you brushed your teeth? Have you wash your face?
I can imagine the struggle you have as it's getting harder as they get older.

penisbeakers · 14/10/2018 00:33

Again, she seems depressed. You need to address that head on. I haven't read all the replies since my last post cos I'm tired and a bit crap today. Depression makes personal hygiene insignificant. If she doesn't have friends at school and they comment on her odour, it will make her even more depressed.

penisbeakers · 14/10/2018 00:35

Bloody hell - twelve is NOT too young for setting chores. If anything she should have been taught the importance of chores by now.

LanaorAna2 · 14/10/2018 00:37

Make the washing DD will graciously agree to work harder. A medicated wash which clears bacteria and moisturises at same time should do the trick - Dermol is good. Alphosyl for hair.

Australians have (mild) bleach baths to clear BO - a small squirt in a big tub works wonders.

Remove crusty clothes and pants the minute she takes them off.

QuestionableMouse · 14/10/2018 00:55

A shower rather than a bath might help. Let her have a shower speaker so she can have her music on while she's in there.

You might also want to consider letting her shower every other day for now. Less battles to fight. I shower every other day and I don't stink (believe me, there are plenty of people in my life who'd tell me if I did)

I had long thick hair as a teen and baths were a nightmare because it took so long to wash, rinse and dry. Maybe suggest a restyle if that's the case? I recently cut 20-odd inches off mine and it's so much easier to deal with.

BinkyandBunty · 14/10/2018 01:01

Australian here who's never heard of bleach baths!

Anyhow, I came in to reassure you OP that in my household this is perfectly normal teen behaviour. Hugely frustrating but normal and absolutely not linked to depression, SEN, exhaustion or anything else.

My nearly 13yo and 14.5yo were particularly bad for lying about brushing their teeth, and faffing around in the shower forever without actually washing. Huge attitude if pulled up on it.

I've tried most of the approaches on here and what works is to micro-manage, as some other pps do. I subtly check for fresh breath and clean faces as I hug them goodbye or goodnight. Remind about deodorant after every single shower and do the occasional spot check. If I detect BO when there shouldn't be any, e.g. first thing in the morning or at bedtime after a shower, it's straight back in, no excuses.

They have figured out that they're never going to pull one over me and are a lot more reliable these days, but it's taken years unfortunately. Good luck!

bringincrazyback · 14/10/2018 01:09

A previous poster mentioned sensory processing issues and I'm wondering the same. I have them myself and although there's nothing lacking in my personal hygiene, the feeling of my skin going from dry to wet is unpleasant for me and I have to grit my teeth until my skin is completely wet, when the unpleasant feeling passes and I can then enjoy the bath/shower. Early-morning showers are the worst, somehow the initial getting-wet feeling is worse in the shower than it is in the bath, and worse if I haven't been awake for very long. It's just something I have to grit my teeth and get on with because I couldn't bear not to be clean. I've always been this way and I have to admit I did dodge the soap on occasions when I was your DD's age because of it. blush

I'd consider depression and lack of self-esteem too, as other posters have suggested, so I'm not saying don't explore those things (especially if her weight gets her down) and obviously it doesn't alter the fact that she needs to attend to her personal hygiene better - I'm just saying it's possible getting wet feels physically unpleasant to her.

lexi727 · 14/10/2018 01:24

I went through a weird phase of not showering when I was about her age. I think I would shower about once a week. But knew I smelt etc so would pile deodorant, sprays etc on to hide it. I remember once somebody asked if I had been swimming that morning but in reality my hair was just so greasy it looked wet EnvyBlush that was the turning point for me. The turning point will come for her too. My phase only lasted 2 months or so. My parents never said anything, I wish they had. I'm so embarrassed when I look back now.

TigerTooth · 14/10/2018 01:59

Bathtime after dinner for a 12 year old?

I cant see the problem with that?

My DS was also like this and now he is cleaner than us all, it happened at about 14 I think.

Mine still throw clothes on floor which is entirely my fault as I didn't train them early enough.

kateandme · 14/10/2018 02:11

some really good ideas here op.
can I just say please don't tell her she smells.she will have no friends.and put shame and guilt on her like that.i get what pp have said no this but no matter how strong you are.this stuff sticks.and it take ones vunerable moments for it to be ingrained.and hurt.especailly from your parents.
theres a difference between you stink aimed at you and helping with hygiene issue in a supportive manner.

MarcieBluebell · 14/10/2018 02:33

If I had to bath every evening I'd put it off too!

That's her wind down time after a long day and she probably doesn't want to get wet and sit on a bath.

Defs agree a shower in the morning. No arguments. Showers are so much quicker. You could take her shopping for some fun smelling shower gel.

If her hair is getting greasy quickly could you invest in more expensive shampoo. I can't use supermarket shampoo but my hair's awful.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 14/10/2018 02:40

You just need to find her currency. What does she love that you can take until she does as she is told? No shower no phone.

shearwater · 14/10/2018 02:55

she just shrugs and says if people don't want to be friends with her for stupid reasons then they aren't worth having as friends.

There are no concerns from anyone, teachers, family, doctors, friends etc. We are all completely confident that she is a very forward, functioning 12 year old girl. There are no behavioural issues, no additional learning needs, no emotional issues, no secrets she's hiding, no mental health issues, she's completely supported in everything she does. She has glowing school reports, she is very loving and happy

She's a perfectly happy kid, very vibrant and funny. Very intelligent is top of her classes at school.

She sounds absolutely brilliant. Why are you worried? Let her be who she wants to be and develop in her own way.

Leave her alone and worry about stuff that actually matters.

thighofrelief · 14/10/2018 02:58

I did this when I was about that age. It was an experiment to see what would happen. I went 3 weeks without washing and started to be able to smell how rank i was. Curiously my parents didn't notice.

pallisers · 14/10/2018 03:07

Leave her alone and worry about stuff that actually matters.

While I agree with this to some extent (having had teens/preteens who didn't have the glowing report that the OP gives about her dd and had way more serious issues to contend with), I also think personal hygiene matters. People shouldn't smell of unwashed bodies when they have access to water and soap on a daily basis. Even if they are vibrant funny and top of their class- that doesn't actually give you a free pass from the normal rules of engagement in society. her parents are right to be concerned.

t sounds like this kid has the arrogance of her gifts - she has glowing school reports etc so she figures why the hell should she wash if she doesn't want to. people should still want to be friends with her because of her intelligence and personality even if she smells. This is arrogance imo and her parents should be gently but firmly telling her that it is not negotiable that she maintains a decent standard of hygience and also telling her why this matters - why she should care more about the people who interact with her. Given her age (12) I think it is really important that she understands how to interact in a community and society.

As a start I would simply tell her to shower before dinner and make that a firm rule.

RedDwarves · 14/10/2018 03:16

Australians have (mild) bleach baths to clear BO - a small squirt in a big tub works wonders.

Huh? What is this? I'm Australian and I've never heard of this.

shearwater · 14/10/2018 03:25

People are so weird about hygiene on Mumsnet.

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