To think she's a scruffbag

[cosyjimjams]

NC for this, I promise I am a regular user (sister and friends on here)
My DD (12) is extremely lazy when it comes to her personal hygiene.
Bit of a backstory, she's pretty overweight and has started her period around a year so as you can imagine puberty has hit big time. She has started smelling of b.o on a daily basis, her hair is becoming greasy a lot quicker than usual and she is lying about brushing her teeth.
If we tell her it's bath time after her tea she literally tries every trick in the book to get out of going in it (tired, hungry, headache, thirsty and so on) I have never ever known her to just go and get a bath or shower off her own back. If it's also washing hair night then the attitude we get off her is disgraceful. If she's on her period then she doesn't seem to care that she has a slight odour about her and that it's the most important time of the month to be clean.
We have bought her deodorants and kids perfume and explained the importance of spraying every morning and every evening after her bath as her school uniform is now becoming stained under the armpits from sweating through the day.
On a morning before school we have to physically take her to the bathroom to brush her teeth or she lies and says she has already.
Is every kid such hard work like this or just our daughter?
Before anyone asks, she has no SN she is a very bright and clever young girl.
I would have thought at secondary school she would be more inclined to start looking after herself a little bit more and being more clean and tidy. She won't even brush her hair unless she's physically handed a hairbrush.
Don't get me started on the state of her bedroom. It's like she's destined to just be a scruff. She's told us that kids at school have said she smells and it's just gutting that whatever we are telling her is not going in. We don't want our daughter being known as the smelly kid at school.
Her dad and I are both clean and well presented so we don't understand where we have gone wrong.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can start making some changes. It would be a great help!

[WheelyCote]

It's a stage teenagers can go through. It comes full circle where you literally run to get in the bathroom.

Two showers a day now! Bah humbug

[Kristinekk]

Baths are boring. I hate them. She could be in and out of the shower in the time it takes for the bath to fill. Even if you run the bath for her? she knows it's coming.

[Maelstrop]

You say she has a shirt for each day of the week but is she using a different one every day? I’ve had this a few times over the years as a teacher and had to contact parents when I was worried about children. One wasn’t having her clothes washed.

One parent said her child would get in the bath but just sit, not wash, get out again. Showers are far more efficient and less boring. You say you haven’t told her she smells? You’re her mum, you have to!

[SleepingStandingUp]

OP I might have missed this but why a bath? Surely it's quicker to get her in the shower and then at the best least she's all getting wet.
You mention hair night so she's not washing it every bathtime? At least in shower she could rinse it every night?

[User123640872]

I remember being like this at that age and being very similar to your daughter in intelligence, slightly overweight etc, I just couldn't be bothered! It never got to the point where people told me I smelt, but I was very lazy - I'd change my pad when I first started my periods and leave it in the wrapper in my room for a few hours because I'd forgot to move it, not on purpose but literally I was that lazy I'd forget (makes me cringe to think about now)

It 'clicked' for me when I was about 13 or at the latest 14, I'd suddenly noticed boys and for me even though I'd been going through puberty and been a teenager for a while I suddenly felt like a teenager, before that I still felt like a child, so maybe it was a coping mechanism for me. Even when it clicked I just bathed, cleaned my teeth etc. I was never overly girly, I'd wear some makeup and experiment with it but that was about it, only when I went to college did I start wearing makeup properly and doing my hair/nails etc. My weight is still the same but that's nothing to do with it, I'm very much accept me as I am or don't at all

Now I shower because I know I have to, I can't particularly be bothered but I do because I know I can't not, it doest relax me or anything like that but it will click for her eventually! On a similar note, I think my mum forcing it was what may have made it take a bit longer for me - she judged (and still does) how I did my hair, how I dressed, when I got in the shower and I rebelled against it, so I think a gentle approach might be best

[StrangeLookingParasite]

This is shocking- you shouldn't be in the bathroom when your 11 yo is naked .very inappropriate and blurring boundaries hmm

Honi soit qui mal y pense.

[BatFacedOK]

@StrangeLookingParasite too true

[cloudtree]

This is shocking- you shouldn't be in the bathroom when your 11 yo is naked .very inappropriate and blurring boundaries

Hysterical ridiculousness. I have an 11YO DS who would quite happily wander around the house naked all day. We tell him to put it away but he isn't bothered in the slightest.

[Beaverhausen]

This is shocking- you shouldn't be in the bathroom when your 11 yo is naked .very inappropriate and blurring boundaries

Seriously this is what is wrong with this world, my daughter has just turned 11 and she still jumps with me in the bath or when getting dressed. She lived in my body for 10 months, drank from my boobies for 6 months I think we are over the boundaries line there.

[BatFacedOK]

@cloudtree yep I'm always saying to my 11 year old ' umm can we maybe pop some pants on please?' And he seriously couldn't care less. He says ' I'm in my own home mum!' and laughs. He had his own boundaries - he wouldn't dream of wandering around naked if there was anyone other than me and his dad and sister here.

They're children for such a short time - just let them do what they're comfortable with

[Bluntness100]

I also don't understand why she was being forced to have a bath every night, especially when you guys have showers. I can partially see why she's rebelling, I also find baths dull as heck.

Give her some autonomy, she's 12 not 2. Bath or shower, her call, once a day, either evening or morning, her call again.

[Odoreida]

I was EXACTLY like this at the same age. I was funny, popular, doing well at the school and DEFINITELY depressed. I felt my parents hated me and I never really got over it - I don't trust my mother now although i get on with her ok. Just be there for her and don't do so much nagging ...

[Motortrader]

YABU for calling your DD a scruff bag.
Maybe she's dirty, depressed, disinterested, smelly. Perhaps she'll grow out of it, perhaps she needs help. But calling your own DD a bag?
Look in the mirror and call yourself a bag lady, douche bag, flea bag, sack, scrotum, whore bag (I got that one from another thread in AIBU).
Have some humanity FFS.

[Mamamanatee]

shower. Wash thoroughly underarms with soap not gel.

I can't get my 12 year old out of the shower now but she used to be a bit like the OPs dd.

[anotherBadAvatar]

Gosh, she sounds like me at that age.

I was a bit bigger than my friends and started puberty earlier. Top of the class etc etc.

While my friends were skinny and flat chested, I was being teased by boys about my breasts and having men on the street make comments about them. I hated it and my changing body by extension.

I responded by burying my head in the sand. Scruffy, messy room, poor hygiene.

If someone had taken a very hard line with me, I would have been devastated and likely very depressed over it all.

Eventually, I grew out of it (by mid teens certainly when my friends had caught up with me) and since 16/17 have showered twice daily and take pride in my appearance. Am now happily married in a professional job.

My advice? Speak to her gently, take it slowly. She’ll get there.

[MrsRubyMonday]

I had a bit of a problem with smell as a teenager. One of the major factors for me was that I knew I smelled, but I didn't know how to fix it. Even after showering, within ten minutes I could smell it again because it was in my clothing, and the soap my family used doesnt react well with my skin, and i had a weird perfume that clashed as well. It wasn't until I moved out and bought my own stuff that I solved the problem, different laundry stuff and a hot wash and bio powder for tops, dove soap, extra strength and normal deodorant, and a different perfume.

It may be worth buying the extra strength Dove if it's dove you use. I bath every evening and then apply the extra strength Dove and let it dry. Overnight it does something to your sweat glands so they don't produce as much. The next day you can then in theory get dressed with no additional deodorant, but I normally add a spray of blue top dove for extra security.

[Starlings27]

I was like this between about 12 and 15. Really it was just laziness. I'm definitely not a soap dodger now, if anything I'm the other way.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

YABU for calling your DD a scruff bag.

Oh don't be so bloody délicate. It in no way equates to calling her a scrotum or a whore bag. What an utterly false équivalence.

[ExFury]

I was one of the first in my year group to get noticeably big boobs. I hated the attention it brought. It was actually better to be the fat smelly kid as I got less attention.

It might be that she’s lazy, but for me it was a way of putting people off coming too close.

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

I am going to preface this post by saying it is a shot in the dark and I'm in no way assuming that this is the case for you at all

However I'll explain my story , I was very much like this as a teenager and until I went to university and have to work hard to make myself not hate having a shower or bath when I'm having a bad time even now

My parents shamed me heavily when at first I hit the stage every teenager does I suspect and washed a little less. My Dm made a massive deal out of it and whilst it wasn't shouting or screaming she literally did not give it a rest

Lots of shaming about being disgusting and God you smell (in retrospect I really didn't) , the telling me people wouldn't want to be friends with me was in the form of " God why would anyone want to be around you you stink"

It was entirely relentless and it very quickly became severe emotional abuse

Again I'm not saying this is you but word your discussions with her very carefully, my parents were granted unpleasant individuals and still are but I've heard a few parents tip over from guiding into going too far

[IdaBWells]

I didn't read the entire thread but here are some thoughts.

1. She is in active puberty but her brain development in terms of maturity can be behind her physical maturity. So just because she has her period and body odor etc. doesn't mean she is self aware. This most likely will kick in naturally at some point and she will become self motivated to take care of her personal hygiene.
   

1. Having no chores could be back firing. I think having chores around the house and being expected to keep things clean could help teach her what is expected. Letting her have no responsibilities isn't compatible with wanting her to be more responsible.
   

1. Don't shame her but reward her. Shaming and punishing her is again sending her the wrong message. If you want her to have pride in her appearance and to enjoy taking care of herself don't connect self-care with shame and punishment. Instead reward her at the weekend if she has a shower each morning for example, motivate her by promising something that she really wants. If it's pricey she needs to shower every morning for three months etc.
   

1. NEVER COMPARE her to anyone else, especially negatively. Don't focus on looks but on health and hygiene. Don't give her the impression you are obsessing about her looks. You are giving the wrong message.
   

1. If she would enjoy it and it fits your budget, take her to have a facial or other self-care so it is associated with fun and enjoyment.
   

1. She is still very young and she just may have no interest yet. My second dd at 12 hated makeup, boys etc. and kept checking with me that is was acceptable if she had NO interest whatsoever. I said of course not, if unlike her big sister she had no interest that was absolutely fine and it was completely up to her and it was fine if she NEVER cared about those things; but it was also ok if she changed her mind .
   

Sure enough at 13 she suddenly became interested in her appearance, boys, makeup etc etc. Your dd has a lot of time to grow and change still.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Not read everything but noticed she goes swimming. Could she swim more often like join a family membership thing at local leisure centre. Least she would be clean and get a bit fitter. I am involved in overnight week long camps and the only way we survive with that age is to go swimming a few times and constantly call out encouraging things like clean socks now everyone as we knock on their doors. Some would happily not shower all week delighted to be out from under parents eye.
And my dd who showered daily had a pit of a room for teens but one absolute rule ..no food upstairs. Stick to that at least so no moldy stuff in therel.
Have lots of fun with her as other than this she sounds a fabulous girl. Actually my dd who was the same at school as ours said regularly..please cut me some slack about my room as l can't be good at everything and all my good is used up when l get home.