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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would your punishment be?

162 replies

Gizzygizmo · 13/10/2018 15:29

my 7 year old destroyed his bedroom as we said he can't go outside after back chatting and refusing to get changed out school uniform.
He tipped every toy out his toy box including Lego and a bag full of pens and pencils, pulled all his clothes out his wardrobe including the pole, dvds flung all over the place. Literally like a tornado came through his bedroom.
He's refused to clean it and has said he don't want to clean it, he would rather we do it for him.
We said if we do it were bagging it all up and taking it away... he don't care, he said throw them away then Hmm
We have literally ran out of punishments to give till its done, he still don't care.
When he's sat up there attempting to Do it he draws all over himself and his stuff.
This morning I had enough and said I would guide him telling him what to do, BUT im not helping as he done it all himself so he has to learn, still didn't help even me being there telling him.
AIBU not helping him clean it up? And what would others do?

OP posts:
gonnabreakmyrustycage · 13/10/2018 15:31

Give his toys away and never make promises or threats that you won’t keep.

Poodles1980 · 13/10/2018 15:33

I would take it all out of his room and if he wants he stuff back he can earn it bit by bit

FruitofAutumn · 13/10/2018 15:41

I would do nothing until he wants something from you

caroloro · 13/10/2018 15:41

For the specific instance of trashing his room....I'd probably say something like "right, you've got one hour. School uniform, pyjamas, pants and socks are immune, but everything else, and I mean everything else, is going into black bags if it is still not put away in one hour". I'd start a timer on my phone, and give him reminders, and at the end of the hour I'd pack everything up into black bags. I wouldn't throw it away, I'd put it somewhere (shed, garage, boot of car, etc) and tell him he can have it back when he wants to put it away properly.

Stopping a child going out......only really shooting yourself in the foot, I've learnt over time! A wound up child needs to wind down. As parents we need space when they're wound up, or we are. I'd probably look for a different sanction in future for backchatting/not getting changed. Maybe something like "you can't go outside/have snack/dinner/use sofa until you're in play clothes instead of uniform"

Good luck!

TubbyTubster · 13/10/2018 15:41

I’m with poodles above, take away the toys he values the most and he can earn them back by tidying up the rest of the bedroom and behaving himself.

SpicyTomatos · 13/10/2018 15:44

Alternatively, cuddle, reassure him and explain how he has affected other people. In his eyes you have stopped him from playing for no reason and then withdrawn your love by sending him to his room. So the people he loves the most in the world are causing him lots of pain. That's a lot to cope with for a 7 year old.

Original poster
Gizzygizmo · 13/10/2018 15:50

Completely agree those who said taking his stuff away. I can hear the Lego so hoping he's putting it away instead of tipping it out. Will give him till 5pm.

Spicytomatos - he's been extremely naughty especially since its happened, refusing to listen or tidy the mess he's created. Cuddles right now won't teach him right or wrong.

OP posts:
spacefighter · 13/10/2018 15:54

Take everything out of his room apart from his bed, covers and large furniture. Once he's sat in a room by himself with nothing to do for flora hopefully he will learn he can't act like that. If my 7 year old did that god help him and he knows that.

spacefighter · 13/10/2018 15:54

For hours not flora lol

Tistheseason17 · 13/10/2018 15:55

Empty the room of everything. You need to follow through.
He can earn it back over time.

StartingAgain1 · 13/10/2018 16:02

You need a punishment you can stick with. If my Dd 6 did that she wouldn't be leaving the room until she had put everything back. I would also confiscate her favourite thing but for a set time i.e 2-3 days so it doesn't seem like an endless punishment.
Because it's the weekend I wouldn't rush to clean it up, tell him he's got to do it.whatever you threaten just make sure you can follow it through!!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 13/10/2018 16:11

Tbh, I wouldn't punish at all. I'd give a consequence. In this instance that he lives with his room as he left it until he was ready to ask for help sorting it out. But then, I hate punishments. I don't think they work... They just build resentment.

Soulstirring · 13/10/2018 16:16

We had this with or 7 year old. After weeks of stropping and bad attitude we ended up with a meltdown, him kicking doors and throwing his covers etc all over. He was made to tidy up and then we grounded him from seeing friends after school and took away alI media (PS4, Netflix) for a week. He was so relieved to be allowed to go play and watch tv after a week his behaviour has been almost fantastic since. He is very aware of consequences now and whilst it wasn’t pleasant you need to hold your ground and show him these are not empty threats.

AwaAnBileYeHeid · 13/10/2018 16:16

My DDs once trashed their room.
They refused to tidy it up.
I removed every single item from their room except the bookcase full of books (too much trouble and tbh they weren't interested in the books anyway). Everything went either in the bin, or in bin bags and boxes and into the garage. They never did manage to get everything back and the rest got dumped when we moved house a year later.

That was about 4 years ago and they are currently taking their bedroom apart for a proper tidy because it was fucking horrendous but this time they know better than to think I'm in any way not serious when I tell them I'm going to strip it again.

Ohyesiam · 13/10/2018 16:17

Look up Hand in Hand Parentig. X

Lethaldrizzle · 13/10/2018 16:19

Stop punishing him?

Flowerpot2005 · 13/10/2018 16:20

Me thinks you have a young man who knows just how to push your buttons & exactly how long it will take for you to cave in.

You need to set firm boundaries with him & as pp said, don't make threats or rules you're not prepared to keep or enforce.

PrincessWire · 13/10/2018 16:20

I had a very similar situation with my DD at that age. As a PP suggested above I removed everything from her room and let her earn things back with good behaviour. It took a good few days before she missed things enough but then it only took a few days after that for her to have earned everything back.

VioletCharlotte · 13/10/2018 16:28

Bag it all up and stick it in the garage. After a few days he'll be missing his stuff. Tell him he can have it back when he apologises for his behaviour. And he helps put it back.

Lethaldrizzle · 13/10/2018 16:43

Give him a big hug?

TickTickBoomBoom · 13/10/2018 16:54

When I did something like that my DF used to empty the entire contents of my bedroom - I mean everything except for the bed and wardrobe, into the garden, and there it would all lie 'till I decided to put it back neatly. I learned my lesson pdq.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 13/10/2018 17:00

Take them to the charity shop. Never make a threat you can't keep.

MinaPaws · 13/10/2018 17:04

What's your ultimate goal here OP? A power battle that you win or a harmonious, loving family.

Cuddle him. Find out why he got so mad about changing out of his uniform. Ask him what he'd like to do differently next time, so it doesn;t turn into a battle. Suggest you both handled it badly (you did) and that you tudy his room together then have a biscuit and some milk.

Don't turn family life into a battle. It's no fun for anyone. Take a look at some books such as How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Postivie Parenting. They will honestly make your life easier and way happier with almost zero effort from you.

MinaPaws · 13/10/2018 17:04

Positive not Postivie!

Shockers · 13/10/2018 17:04

That’s a very frustrated boy you have there!

I’d do a mixture of consequence and nurture. Take the stuff out of his room, give him a period of time to calm, then talk with him. I find car journeys very useful for talking to upset children because you aren’t looking directly at one another. If he responds respectfully, put something he loves back in his room. For each positive, something goes back (start with one of his favourites, but then keep the other favourites back until he’s getting into the habit of being respectful). Lots of loving language about him as a person- separate the behaviour from the boy.

This is what I’d do, but you know your son best. Good luck.