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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would your punishment be?

162 replies

Gizzygizmo · 13/10/2018 15:29

my 7 year old destroyed his bedroom as we said he can't go outside after back chatting and refusing to get changed out school uniform.
He tipped every toy out his toy box including Lego and a bag full of pens and pencils, pulled all his clothes out his wardrobe including the pole, dvds flung all over the place. Literally like a tornado came through his bedroom.
He's refused to clean it and has said he don't want to clean it, he would rather we do it for him.
We said if we do it were bagging it all up and taking it away... he don't care, he said throw them away then Hmm
We have literally ran out of punishments to give till its done, he still don't care.
When he's sat up there attempting to Do it he draws all over himself and his stuff.
This morning I had enough and said I would guide him telling him what to do, BUT im not helping as he done it all himself so he has to learn, still didn't help even me being there telling him.
AIBU not helping him clean it up? And what would others do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizzygizmo · 14/10/2018 19:06

I don’t think most of you read my post Hmm
I tried sitting with him and helping by giving step by step but he point blank refused to touch anything.
And to the poster above saying poor child... seriously... I refuse to baby him by showering him with cuddles and biscuits after unacceptable behaviour.

I tried to help him, so don’t make out like I just left him to it and gave him no choice.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 14/10/2018 19:15

"If you could go back in time, no reaction would be the best really. Oh what a mess you've made. That will take you ages to tidy up. "

nokidshere · 14/10/2018 19:18

If you could go back in time, no reaction would be the best really. Oh what a mess you've made. That will take you ages to tidy up.

Walking away without reaction or a calm quiet voice is hard to do but very effective.

larrygrylls · 14/10/2018 19:32

People think they have reinvented parenting. Oh, the arrogance!

For those who believe in the no consequence theory, does it apply to adults? Should someone who has scraped a key along your car be given a lovely hug to defuse the battle of wills between him and society?

Children need boundaries drawn to feel safe and there are no boundaries without consequences.

Also, children are individuals. Some respond better to more stick, some to more carrot. Each parent needs to get to know their own child.

I do think that you cannot expect a 7 year old to tidy up a room without instructions as to how to do it (and maybe a little help) but they do need to be contrite and willingly help to tidy.

Unfortunately it is really hard to do proper experiments on parenting, as it is unethical and there are too many conflating factors. However young adults are no kinder, happier nor more competent than 20-30 years ago, on average.

I don’t think that each iteration on parenting techniques has made a blind bit of difference.

larrygrylls · 14/10/2018 19:34

Gizzy,

You know your child and should trust your instincts.

I think you did exactly the right thing.

Meringues4breakfast · 14/10/2018 20:08

Larrygrylls- not sure who thinks they have reinvented parenting? And I am not sure what you mean by this? Every action has a consequences but it doesn’t necessarily have to be punitive. Punitive distant parenting was made pretty fashionable by the victorians, not that ancient really. There have been, and still are many communities around the world, that raise children my modelling respectful and empathic behaviour themselves and would not comprehend interacting with children the way some posters describe in here.
Punishing might change outward behaviour, in the short term, but it doesn’t change the heart.

Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 20:21

They're not remotely the same thing. As you say ThisIsAll we will agree to differ.

Well, we could agree to differ, had you not spent the last few posts telling me how childish I am. Hmm How is what I suggested - telling the child you love them, helping with the things they can't sort themselves, then telling them you will talk to them when they have done the rest - a "childish" response which amounts to a "battle" rather than setting a clear boundary? If they are not "remotely" the same thing, it shouldn't be hard for you to explain.

JamesBlonde1 · 14/10/2018 20:33

OMG has he done this before? I can’t imagine this behaviour or where this aggression comes from. And for him to not panic and regret it after he’s done it. Is there more to it than just naughtiness and some SEN?

I’m the last person on earth to automatically suggest naughtiness is part of a SEN but I can’t in a million years expect my DD of the same age to act like this.

Sorry, that doesn’t address the discipline issue. But yes, I think the LOT would be in the bin for me. Outrageous behaviour.

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 14/10/2018 21:26

The hug theory doesn't let them off or excuse their behaviour it just calms down the whole situation. You would express disappointment initially then hug to calm down, then the child has to tidy. There are still consequences but it helps the child manage their feelings.

They trashed the room because they were angry and didn't know how to deal with it. Punishing them doesn't help them manage it in the future, they need to learn how to control their anger rather than to just not do it. Straight out punishing them will just make them more angry. You want to model empathetic behaviour to them so they develop empathy.

I see parents discipline their children all the time, the shouty parents are not the ones with the best control or best behaved children, the parents who straight out punish don't have the best behaved children. The entitled adults are not that way because their parents hugged them and showed them empathy.

WhyDontYouListen · 14/10/2018 21:30

dishran I completely agree.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/10/2018 21:38

Yes they trashed the room when they were angry. Refusing to tidy it even with help is just boundary pushing. Showing the child that you have no boundaries isn’t going to make them feel safe or secure or prevent them behaving in the same way again.

MinaPaws · 15/10/2018 10:00

People just love to hang on to their right to wield power over a child instead of navigating the more complex pathways of communicating with their child. Everyone who suggests hug, listen, resolve situation to mutual satisfaction has explained we don;t have unruly children. They stop having tantrums. They stop pushing boundaries. They stop acting up. I have a dear friend who just has to pit her wills against her kids. All this bin-bagging thier stuff, sending them to thier room etc. they are angry at each other permanently. Our family is gentle, courteous and humorous with one another. It works. It would work in the work place. It works in a marriage. It also works between parent and child, if you can bear to ditch the lust for having power over another human being..

Nephrite · 15/10/2018 10:02

So true Mina

Racecardriver · 15/10/2018 10:05

He's being so hortoble because you've made threats and not carried through. Just bin the lot.

ittakes2 · 15/10/2018 10:07

If a child of any age did this I would think they are under an enormous amount of stress for some reason. It might not be a stress an adult would recognise - but he is clearly being defiant for a reason.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 15/10/2018 11:06

I disagree that having a nice chat works with everyone. People of all ages will push their luck if they know they can get away with it. There was a guy at my previous workplace for eg who turned up late every day. Our understanding boss had many nice chats, can they do anything to help etc. He carried on until he was formally disciplined and knew his job was at stake. Then he managed to get himself in on time.

Flossy04 · 15/10/2018 11:13

I’d just bag the toys and things up leave his room with his bed and his clothes in, put them away in the loft or shed etc, if he can’t have nice things in his room then he shouldn’t be allowed, if he can show he can look after things he can be allowed things back slowly and surely

Givemeallyourcucumber · 15/10/2018 11:33

Always leave them to calm down if you don't get the response you require.

Actions have consequences

"If you want to play outside DS you need to get changed. When you have gotten out of your school uniform then you can play out"

Also the room trashing. I would be sitting him down and finding out why he did it. Communicate with him, empathise with him and understand his point of view and where he is coming from.

Then explain that it is completely unacceptable behaviour. Then show him ways of dealing with his anger and emotions. Be open so he will be open with you.

Then you can go ahead with explaining the consequences to his actions. There should always be consequences not punishment.
Dealing with the negative consequences to your actions are normally punishment enough.

Olderbyaminute · 15/10/2018 15:00

Those suggesting a cuddle-What color is the sky in your world?

username1724 · 15/10/2018 20:07

Mine did this a few years back, as soon as the bin bag came out and special teddy went in it she cried and cleaned up the rest not had a problem since. Special teddy stayed hidden until I personally felt she had behaved enough to get ut back, I didn't tell her I'd kept it until I returned it to her, crack down now before hes bigger than you!

Armadillostoes · 15/10/2018 20:30

Username doing that with a special teddy is just horrible and probably damaging. A comfort toy like that isn't just a prized object to a child, it is invested with identity and is something they depend on for emotional reassurance. Take away other toys or privileges but not a comfort object. Just because you secured compliance doesn't mean that you didn't do real damage.

Lethaldrizzle · 15/10/2018 20:54

Y'all sound like a bunch of bullies! (Not the cuddly ones) Smile

WhyDontYouListen · 15/10/2018 21:09

The sky in my world is blue! Those of you who endorse the punitive approach, can i ask you...when you are upset, i mean really upset, do you like to be threatened or consoled????

user1457017537 · 15/10/2018 21:12

May I ask what caused the escalation to him trashing his room. I’m not a big fan of punishment, especially with a 7 year old.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 15/10/2018 21:57

I like to be consoled when I’m upset but I wouldn’t expect to be consoled at work if I started throwing computers around. Being upset here isn’t the problem - it’s the behaviour of trashing a room. I don’t believe that children should be encouraged to do what they like because they are upset or angry. There are ways of expressing upset appropriately and trashing your room isn’t one of them. If the child had beat up their sibling/a friend in anger would that be ok too because they were angry and upset? All feelings are acceptable but all behaviours aren’t and yes my kids get cuddles and they also get consequences for unacceptable behaviour and as a result I rarely see any as they know where the line is. Children who have no line just keep looking for it ime.

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