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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would your punishment be?

162 replies

Gizzygizmo · 13/10/2018 15:29

my 7 year old destroyed his bedroom as we said he can't go outside after back chatting and refusing to get changed out school uniform.
He tipped every toy out his toy box including Lego and a bag full of pens and pencils, pulled all his clothes out his wardrobe including the pole, dvds flung all over the place. Literally like a tornado came through his bedroom.
He's refused to clean it and has said he don't want to clean it, he would rather we do it for him.
We said if we do it were bagging it all up and taking it away... he don't care, he said throw them away then Hmm
We have literally ran out of punishments to give till its done, he still don't care.
When he's sat up there attempting to Do it he draws all over himself and his stuff.
This morning I had enough and said I would guide him telling him what to do, BUT im not helping as he done it all himself so he has to learn, still didn't help even me being there telling him.
AIBU not helping him clean it up? And what would others do?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 13/10/2018 18:49

I’d be clearing the room up with him, chatting as I go. I agree with pp about thinking about what you’re trying to achieve here - if your go response to every challenge is punishment you’re in for a fight at every single stage.

I wouldn’t have said he couldn’t go back out, I’d have he can go when he’s changed out of his uniform so the choice is his to change (and go out) or not. In terms of his room, I’d work with him to tidy it up knowing that we then wouldn’t have time to do X activity that he’d like to because he took so long to tidy his room.

I don’t think power battles with kids teach them right from wrong, it teaches them how to press your buttons.

TheNumberfaker · 14/10/2018 08:28

Hopefully it's all tidy now. I think both sets of replies are right. He needs to know that you love him unequivocally but that this behaviour is unacceptable and will have consequences (taking his stuff away).

Warpdrive · 14/10/2018 08:33

My most effective punishment is to remove WiFi.

Sometimes I switch it off to encourage them to complete their chores on a Saturday morning.

Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 08:49

Unless he has SN, he is far too old for this behaviour. I wouldn't be cuddling him. I would clear up the worst of the mess - put his wardrobe pole back in and so on, because he is unlikely to be able to do it himself - leave him with a manageable amount of tidying to do and tell him I love him, but to come and talk to me when it's sorted.

busybarbara · 14/10/2018 08:49

Back in my day it'd have been a smack and the end of it. Nowadays it seems hours of more psychological punishment is considered more acceptable. I'm not convinced we've moved forward.

heldazz · 14/10/2018 08:49

Cuddles? Come on. I would strip the room and he can earn things back bit by bit.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 14/10/2018 09:26

I would take everything out & get rid apart from essentials and a few favourite toys to earn back once he's tidied. If he would like a new toy/football whatever, then it becomes an incentive to keep tidy.

RedSuitcase · 14/10/2018 09:32

FFS.

I dread to think what the next generation are going to be like.

Child trashes room, talks back, disobeys instructions.

The solution? a hug

Are you fucking kidding me??? How can anyone in their right mind think this is going to create anything but an entitled, socially inept, aggressive adult?

Children need structure and consequences but that's what adult life is.

Some posters on MN make me genuinely dispair.

RedSuitcase · 14/10/2018 09:33

*because not but

Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 09:39

Redsuit - none of my kids have ever trashed their rooms like that so i must be doing sonetbing right - I'm not a big believer of punishing kids for minor misdemeanours - I wouldn't have punished a kid for not taking off their school uniform in the first place. Yes a hug is better than a consequence alot of the time.

LegalEagle99 · 14/10/2018 09:39

I can understand how tough this is for you and probably even for him. He's started something, now how to end it or move forward from it.

He has had plenty of opportunity to clean up the mess, even with your help and he has declined, repeatedly.
At this point I would remove everything out of his room, bar his bed and necessary school items.
I would then explain that he needs to understand that what he's done is not acceptable and you're happy to talk about it but he needs to earn it all back by showing improved behaviour.

I would not deviate from what I have said and I'd ensure I kept talking and explaining to him.

Hugs have their place, this is not one of them. Boundaries and consequences for all actions are necessary here.
Good luck.

Singlenotsingle · 14/10/2018 09:48

Hugs? Give him a cuddle? A biscuit? Shock What madness is this? You reward him for bad behaviour and what has that taught him?

Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 09:51

Single - because the parent and child have got locked into a toxic power battle and someone needs to step out of the boxing ring. Op's methods haven't worked so far have they?

LegalEagle99 · 14/10/2018 10:00

A child is just that, a child. That doesn't mean that the child is a lesser being or not important. They are a little person with big emtions that need to be taught to self regulate and that their behaviour and actions will yield consequences. This will happen throughout life! Actions have reactions!!!!

Kisses are critically important but when you have someone strong willed who literally wants to see how far they can go with their adult, you need to hold your ground. My 6 year old is like this.

He isn't being neglected or abused and he is old enough to understand what is acceptable and what isn't. If this continues then come year 5, 6 and then secondary school he's going to be in for the shock of his life!!!!

OP stand firm with what you have said, he will eventually tidy up and then the hugs and kisses will come into play. By pandering now you'll be doing him no favours.

hibeat · 14/10/2018 10:03

I did not read everything but I did have hulk 2 once here. What he did, that cannot happen ever again. I second anybody who said take away the prized toys, the t-shirts that he loves and he has to win them back. At the same time I would talk to him, either before he starts the timed cleaning up or after. He's a good boy. He did something bad. Good boys learn from their mistakes. He will be punished, putting things back is the start ( he has to earn his things back). Now how does he handle being mad and upset ? What can he do ? Because being mad in itself is part of the experience of being a human, there are ways that are acceptable to express anger and there are ways that are unacceptable. He is immature, he behaved immaturely, he has to know what his goals are, even if he's not going to get there in one go. And you still love your bubba. Big hugs. I learned from my mistakes with hulk 1: they need to learn how to be angry. They only come with bodily functions fully operating. Lol.
Yes you can start by the hug, a child needs to feel secure, and know that he is loved, then he can listen. Obedience comes from the inside. The problem is if he only get hugs when he is disobedient, children will do anything to get the affection/attention he needs even getting into trouble.

hibeat · 14/10/2018 10:04

apart from those few specific item, let's say 5 or 10, so it's a five week of I am proud of your behaviour here your x back. He has to clean the mess. He has to take care of his things.

Fresta · 14/10/2018 10:12

Gosh- if my child had ever done that she would have been in so much shit- but I don't think she'd dare to in the first place!

I would supervise while they tidied- if they still made no effort then I would remove everything except the essentials into black bin liners and store away until he apologises. Then the toys would be returned for him to tidy away. There would be no cuddles, no treats, no compromise. That is no way to behave!

hibeat · 14/10/2018 10:13

my son is way smaller, I took pictures and posted it to the family (grandma, grandpa, uncles), and said I would show it to his friends at school, and his teacher. If it was the way to go, why would he be ashamed of it, why could we not share with everyone ? Never say something that you are not going to do. Ever. I must be resolved by now anyway. I am just recollecting that parenting moment. Why is it so hard ?

hibeat · 14/10/2018 10:15

some children will continue the power struggle if you are present. They are not actually obeying they are technically physically coerced into it. The problem will not be solved if he cleans up sulking. It will come back. Bigger. Believe in the power of your words.

Misstrixy · 14/10/2018 10:17

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Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 10:18

Oh and my adult kids are lovely fully functioning members of society. I never did the extreme punishing thing.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 14/10/2018 10:20

Bag it up and put it in the loft. Stuff can be earnt back over a prolonged period of time.

Original poster
Gizzygizmo · 14/10/2018 10:20

Thanks everyone for their in our.

I am very surprised about those saying hug him... of course I will, when his bedroom is done and he’s learnt it’s unacceptable. How will kids learn if we wrap them in cotton wool. He knows he’s loved, but also knows that behaviour like that is unacceptable.

After hours of me trying to sit and guide him he didn’t move 1 piece of Lego. I bagged it all up and took it away, and no treats from the shop for the week.
I don’t think it’s too harsh, he refused to help and was very cheeky and rude.

Thank you all though Smile

OP posts:
hibeat · 14/10/2018 10:21

Sorry not weeks, days. This big trash can be the opportunity for a big lesson. Hope everyone has completely cooled down now.

Misstrixy · 14/10/2018 10:21

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