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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would your punishment be?

162 replies

Gizzygizmo · 13/10/2018 15:29

my 7 year old destroyed his bedroom as we said he can't go outside after back chatting and refusing to get changed out school uniform.
He tipped every toy out his toy box including Lego and a bag full of pens and pencils, pulled all his clothes out his wardrobe including the pole, dvds flung all over the place. Literally like a tornado came through his bedroom.
He's refused to clean it and has said he don't want to clean it, he would rather we do it for him.
We said if we do it were bagging it all up and taking it away... he don't care, he said throw them away then Hmm
We have literally ran out of punishments to give till its done, he still don't care.
When he's sat up there attempting to Do it he draws all over himself and his stuff.
This morning I had enough and said I would guide him telling him what to do, BUT im not helping as he done it all himself so he has to learn, still didn't help even me being there telling him.
AIBU not helping him clean it up? And what would others do?

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 16:57

Thisreallyisafarce I am aware a battle of wills is a saying. Getting into a battle of wills with a 7 year old is counterproductive and childish.

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 17:01

Yes, the grinning and pretending not to care is an emotionally immature defence reaction in a child who feels cornered with no way to back down.

Pretty standard from a 7 year old who knows that backing down is losing and isn't learning that his mother is there to help him grow up into someone who can handle difficult emotions, but rather that everything is about winning and losing.

Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 17:09

As far as I can make out it's the disciplinarians with the problem kids. Something ain't working Hmm

Meringues4breakfast · 14/10/2018 17:22

This boy sounds very frustrated and stuck with his emotions. He needs a sensitive adult (ideally loving parent) to help him navigate through this. OP please try not to get locked in a childish power struggle. Discipline isn’t about control and immediate obedience but rather helping direct and guide your child.
Some of the responses here sound very battle-ready and aggressive which will no doubt influence how a child responds.

Pbm28 · 14/10/2018 17:29

My daughter does this all the time 😳Sad I take all her toys away (she normally says fine I don't want them anyway). No pudding after the. No snacks unless it's fruit. All toys in her room and sitting room will be taken away until she learns to be respectful of what she has. And to respect her parents. She then picks one / two toys back each time she behaves. (Depending on how big the toy is she picks and depends on how good she has been) we normally make it into a game if she doesn't change out of school uniform (she is 5 mind) and say right you have ten second to take your top half off and 10 second to pick and put on a new top. Same for bottom half. Or we say bet you can't get changed in 30 seconds and she'll try and do it. Or when it's pj time we race to see who gets changed the fastest.

Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 17:30

blueskiesandforests

That's your view. It isn't mine. Sometimes what the child needs is a firm boundary. You can call that 'a battle of wills' if you want. I am not arguing anything else. For me, however, in my parenting, I call it a boundary. And I think boundaries are good for children.

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 17:45

Boundaries are good for children, battles of will with their parents aren't. They're not remotely the same thing. As you say ThisIsAll we will agree to differ.

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 17:45

Sorry Thisreallyis not ThisIsAll

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 17:51

Boundaries would have prevented the situation escalating so quickly, with a child not even in puberty yet! It's insane that it got so out of hand and then parent and 7 year old got into a stand off!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 14/10/2018 18:00

@Gizzygizmo it's not unreasonable to ask him to do any of that. I get my 5 year old to and she does it.

It's her mess that she's made and she will tidy it!

I also would never state a consequence I wouldn't follow through in because when you don't do it, it shows them you're not serious. When DS is at school, I'd pack all the toys away and once he's learnt to take you seriously and do as he's told, he can start earning them back.

Meringues4breakfast · 14/10/2018 18:25

This situation between OP and child clearly got out of control. I am shocked at how dismissive some posters are about the emotions of this child. Surely we want to raise children with empathy and emotional intelligence? If we want our children to respect us then the easiest approach is to show them respect. That does not been no boundaries or no consequences or no discipline.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/10/2018 18:28

I wouldn’t punish for feelings. Children need to know that all feelings are ok but all behaviours aren’t. I wouldn’t allow a child to hit anyone because they were angry and I won’t allow them to trash their room. Kids need to know which behaviours are acceptable and unacceptable.

BatFacedOK · 14/10/2018 18:33

Piling punishment on top of punishment leaves you nowhere to go - as you've not discovered

Stop punishing him. Chat to him. Work through it. The idea is to stop him doing this through his own choice and you can only do that with a different style of parenting

BatFacedOK · 14/10/2018 18:33

*now discovered

serbska · 14/10/2018 18:34

So what happens when he is a grown man and gets angry? Does he get to trash his house and expect a hug from his wife?

Such stupid posts.

The idea is now you teach him better ways to manage his emotions and reactions to them now, rather then engaging in a pointless Mexican stand off.

Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 18:37

My most angry ex partner as a grown man had the most disciplinarian upbringing. Just saying.

BatFacedOK · 14/10/2018 18:43

@serbska absolutely spot on

I have a son who had had these over the top rages. He's now 11 and the most perfectly behaved boy - we have no issues whatsoever and haven't had for years.

Reason being? I stopped 'punishing' pretty sharpish when I realised that what he needed for his specific personality was understanding, talking through why he felt so angry and not raising the stakes by piling on stupid OTT punishments. They don't work as you'll find out in due course. The only person you back into a corner is yourself

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/10/2018 18:43

I wouldn’t engage in any kind of stand off. I’ll tell them the mess needed to be cleaned up and he has half an hour (or whatever reasonably generous amount of time you want to give for him to calm down and get it done). After that every 5 minutes it was still there would be him grounded an extra day. No battle and no anger entirely up to him. As a mum of 2 older kids I’ve been through similar and I’d be very surprised if there was any mess after the half hour. Then is the time for the hug and the chat about what went wrong - not just after a raging child has trashed there room as you will get no sense out of them.

speakout · 14/10/2018 18:51

Poor child.

He sounds very unhappy.

I don't punish, I don't think it works.

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 18:53

What's the point in grounding a 7 year old? Where do they go? What does grounding mean if you're 7? Can this 7 year old tidy a "trashed" room without guidance? Developmentally the task would overwhelm most 7 year olds.

He should tidy, but it never should have got to this point, and the parent would almost always need to break the task down and remain in the room for most 7 year olds, if the room is truly trashed not just a bit untidy.

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 18:56

The main thing that needs to happen is for the parent to think through how "go and change out of your uniform before you go out to play" avalanched to a trashed room and a stand off, and helping the child work on understanding their emotions and the different ways they can deal with feeling angry, frustrated or unfairly treated next time.

puzzledlady · 14/10/2018 18:57

I’d follow through with you threat of throwing everything out - albeit in the garage. He can earn it back.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/10/2018 18:59

Well the tantrum was about not being allowed to go out so I assume he is allowed to play outside like a large number of kids his age.

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 19:00

I agree though that the child wont be able to articulate why they did it while still adrenaline driven straight after trashing the room. Asking a straight out why is hard to answer for younger children too, especially if they are immature and haven't learnt to identify their emotions by name, but at 7 worth a try.

blueskiesandforests · 14/10/2018 19:04

Ah ok BumSex - grounding sounds like a teen punishment, but not allowed to play out I guess makes sense. I wouldn't cut off fresh air and exercise on a rolling basis until a room is tidied, still sounds like a standoff and battle of wills, and the 7 year old may well be overwhelmed by the scope of the task if the room is really trashed. Could be a long standoff.