To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

Doesn't sound like you'd want a baby.
Contrary to popular belief, they don't always enhance your life.

BTW, I think many pps are confusing being a parent with caring for a baby.
It's possible to want to be a parent, and even be an interested and good parent and not particularly enjoy the baby phase or not be interested in caring for babies, or in babies in general.

Being a parent is way more than caring for a baby. Which also makes it way different to having a dog.

It's ok to be a parent even if you would never consider a career as a nursery worker or a nanny.

I think the main thing is that the person considering parenting should not be selfish or too self-absorbed, which is also not to say that children always have to come first.

As the OP said:

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler.

It's fine, OP. No parent has to be stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. You don't even have to breastfeed.

What you do have to consider is that there will be three of you at home and the dynamics do change.

Don’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair on the baby.

Maybe consider fostering/adopting a teenager?

As I've said upthread, what makes that fair on an older child who has experienced loss/trauma and attachment issues?

I really wish people would think before writing this guff.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children, I'm not maternal at all, never felt that my life wouldn't be complete without a child.

I didn't get married until I was 36 & somehow got persuaded to try for a baby, I had my DS just before I was 38, I love him to bits, but if I could go back to before I got pregnant knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have got pregnant. I've never felt that being a mum fits in with who I am, I do all the mum things & love my son dearly but half of me still thinks of what my life would have been like if I hadn't had him & I can honestly say that it wouldn't have broken my heart if I hadn't had him.

I used to take DS to baby & toddler groups & watch all the other mum's with their babies, I felt that I was an outsider, I didn't have that maternal instinct. My DS has never wanted for anything & has a loving family & has never lacked love or care, he is 14 now & I'm proud of the young man he is becoming, he is bright, loving & caring, but I still mourn the life I had before I had him.

Don't let yourself be pushed into having a child to make your husband happy if it isn't what you want as well, all this thing about women being put on the earth to have children, doesn't mean a thing if by having a child you will be unhappy for the rest of your life.

“No parent has to be stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler.”

Um, yes they do. Even if you take the minimum maternity leave and use full time childcare ASAP, the parents have to look after their child sometimes! And if you literally don’t want to spend ANY time looking after it, why have one?

Hi OP! I am currently on maternity leave, I have an 8 year old and a 8 weeks old (madness, I know).

I am fortunate to:

• have a part-time nanny (5 hours per day so I can catch up on sleep, etc, and she can do nights ftom time to time)
• have cleaners who come twice a week
• and most importantly have a loving partner who parents equally with me when he is back from work, and with whom I alternate nights (tonight is my night to sleep, woohoo)

But it is still hard and a shock to the system to have a newborn (and the baby is healthy, I had an easy pregnancy and delivery, and she is not particularly more difficult than your average baby)

And every day I have a moment of “what was I thinking???” - despite that I very much wanted my two lovely daughters, and that I have plenty of help.

I think you are wise to ask yourself the question. My sister is 35 and adamantly doesn’t want children, and that’s fine! I am sometimes envious of her freedom.

You have to want to be a parent, and as a couple you both need to be on the same page.

@AnotherEmma
“No parent has to be stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler.”

Um, yes they do. Even if you take the minimum maternity leave and use full time childcare ASAP, the parents have to look after their child sometimes! And if you literally don’t want to spend ANY time looking after it, why have one?

So, you're saying that looking after a child sometimes (even the day apart from work hours) is the same as being stuck at home looking after them, right?
And that the alternative to not be stuck at home with baby is not to spend any time looking after it. Correct?
Do you need English or logic lessons? Both?

Don’t be a twat

I really do not think you should have a baby. It’s fine to not want one! But don’t have one if you feel the way you feel.

Your post makes me think of how my DMs attitude was about me and it has left me with a lot of emotional problems etc even as an adult. IMO, a baby needs more than what you are prepared to offer.

Don’t be a twat

That is great advice... that you should follow.

I want to add to my previous post-

Its not just a case of having a baby , riding out the baby years and life is back to normal.

I was on the fence , but was also depressed. In the end I decided that I wanted a baby - I didnt think I would get pregnant because everything in my life was going wrong. But I did. With beautiful healthy massive twins.

We are beyond blessed. No problems with a high risk pregnancy.

It did change my life but for the better. As I said I was depressed before but with twins I havent got time to mope. I work through problems.

This might be a bit deep but the universe works with you. Whatever yoy decide will be the best for you. I dont know how you decide but be honest about your feelings. If youre feeling the pressure because you genuinely want a baby (I accidently typed babies then 🤣) deep down then go for it. You will be scared but everything will be ok. Noone can put pressure on you , the same as noone can make you feel inferior.

Why dont you expore ways of looking into why you are on the fence now. Hypnosis or counselling to make sense of your feelings.

I remember running into a friend of mine who was expecting her first child. She had just finished her masters and was opening her own business. She said she was taking 3 months leave max and hiring a nanny straight away. Well 6 years later and she is still home with her child (and 2 more babies since) and is loving life and has zero regrets. She has always been successful and driven but having a child completely changed her priorities and how she viewed life. Now she channels those strengths into parenting and running her household. It's not a money thing either, her husband does ok but they make sacrifices. Just saying you never know how you might feel!! Having a baby can change you big time.

Please don't have a baby.

If you like the idea of having a toddler, school age child, teenager then I don't think it's wrong to not enjoy the baby stage. The baby stage passes and your child would become more interesting. I havent loved baby stage with either of mine but absolutely love them getting older and seeing different stages.

I once met a mum at a baby group who said she was obsessed with the newborn stage, loved it, but didn't like anything after that. In my mind that a worse fate for the child than someone who doesn't want the baby phase!

I wasn't really maternal at all before I had kids. But the hormones changed all that! That said DC1 was in nursery by about 1 and DC2 will be soon around the same age DC1 was. I am pregnant with DC2 and don't intend to stop working or studying at all beyond about 3 months maternity leave.
And I love my kids. Even when they are whingey and snotty. Even though there dad was abusive and I'm a single mum not through choice. Even with a million debts and stresses and very little family or social support.
I don't particularly like babies. I think they're weird looking and smell of milk vomit. I think toddlers are noisy and little dirt and germ factories who have tantrums that nothing seems to answer. But OMG my own kids. They are wonderful. Even when they are dirty and snotty and tantruming and anyone else would want to throw them out the window, I look at them and swell with love and pride and know they are the most wonderful thing that has or ever will happen to me.
So yeah, maternal feeling grows and do you know what? I didn't have one maternal bone in my body until I fell pregnant with DC1 (unplanned miracle as I was on contraception).
I would not trade them for anything else in the world. Nothing.
You don't have to want to quit you're career to want to be a Mum. I hate this its just more anti feminist bull. I used to think my stepmom was less of a mum than my mum because she worked FT since her kids where in nappies and just showed up for school plays whereas my Mum made cakes and crumbles and homemade curtains. Do you know it's BS? Underneath the Cath Kidson exteria my mum is a self infested narcissist who will throw her own kids under the bus, whereas my step mum is a devoted and committed career mother and career woman. I would rather show my kids that Mums can pull two jobs, study, clean house, have nice things and drive nice cars than bake a freaking crumble. Though that said I'm a good cook too so f* em!! We can do it all. With the help of childcare and dogged hardwork we can overcome stereotypes and prove you don't have to choose family OR career you can have both.
I can forgive myself if my daughter can't iron a shirt (no ones got time for anything but the tumble drier method of to send it out have they??) or if she can't make a perfect roast dinner, but hold me back I will not be able to forgive myself if she ever believes she can't have it all. Because she can.
It's a stretch its hard work and some people are made of jelly while others are made of iron.

Pregnant with DC3 sorry X

Of course you are “stuck at home” for at least some of the time. The biggest change for me was not having time with my DH. We can never just go out for lunch or wander round town, no theatre, restaurant or weekend city break. Or even just a lazy lie in at the weekend. I missed that and still do, because even an older child demands a huge amount of your time and attention. It’s relentless.

If you have support I’m sure it’s easier. And yes I managed to do the above with friends, but it’s not the same. And now they’re at school we can’t even have holidays as a family because the school holidays take up all our annual leave. Plus the expense of childcare doesn’t stop once at school. In some ways babies are easier, they don’t trash the house for a start. I’m looking forward to the pre teen/teen bit, can do more together and leave them without a babysitter if we fancy a day out.

Please don't have a baby.

So much this.

I've been a nanny for parents a lot like you, at it is desperately sad for their children.

Even with a nanny, a parent still needs to be engaged with their child.

Adoption?

Adoption? Jesus - people really don’t know much about anything, do they?

@Lwej
You seem absolutely convinced that anybody who happens to have a different opinion to you must either be completely confused or unable to comprehend what you have written.

Of course having a child will almost certainly involve some element of being stuck at home. Once the baby is asleep then someone has to be at home with them so that pretty much puts an end to most parents being able to spontaneously go out in the evening. Even during the daytime you can have babies that will only nap well in their cot or those that are just very fussy when out. Leaving the house can take a very long time and eating out can be hard when weaning. I think realistically most parents struggle with getting out with their children at some point, let alone trying to find time to get out of the house to pursue their own hobbies and interests. Downplaying this and making out it's all so easy does nobody any favours.

I was referring to that particular post and how it was written as a reply. Read it.

Disagreeing is a different thing.

Again, some degree of being at home it's not the same as "being stuck at home caring for a baby".
And the OP doesn't have to. Which is still not to say that she will necessarily be a disengaged mother.

I went to a Congress during maternity leave, went back to work at 4 months, went on holiday, went for work meetings.
I wasn't stuck at home. Even if having a baby did change my life and I doubt anyone could say I'm a disengaged mother.

@Lweji
I have read the response, once again the assumption that I haven't read or understood the post... The irony

@AnotherEmma didn't state that a parent had to be stuck at home with the baby all the time. In fact she implied the opposite. Your experience is completely compatible with what she has written.

You seem absolutely convinced that anybody who happens to have a different opinion to you must either be completely confused or unable to comprehend what you have written

This is also the type of comment that I have trouble figuring out how people reached that conclusion.
What exactly did you base it on? I'm curious as to your mind process.