To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

Regardless of dictionary definitions, most people on here see 'naturally maternal' as being a woman who has always envisaged children in her future, who is wildly enthusiastic about the idea of having children and sees motherhood as her destiny, who is prepared to (or even enthusiastic about) the idea of giving up work temporarily or permanently, as well as generally being someone who coos over babies and small children and thinks her children are the best thing that's ever happened to her.

I am not this woman, I am career-focused, travel a lot and am naturally solitary and people were extremely surprised when DH and I had a child when I was turning 40. But I don't think I am any worse a mother because I approached it out more out of ambivalence and curiosity than enthusiasm. I have not fundamentally changed since having my son, whom I love he's now 6, and a delight I'm still career-minded and while being a mother is part of my identity, it's not all of it, or most of it.

However, I never considered having more than one child. It's far easier to lead a comparatively unchanged life - with parenthood as an additional enrichment -- with one.

@GloriousMystery
I think definitions are important as it stops people talking at cross purposes, something that is especially easy to do on the internet when we're interacting with strangers.

I don't think I am any worse a mother because I approached it out more out of ambivalence and curiosity than enthusiasm.
I'm pleased that this has worked out well for you and your son, however personally I believe it's a very risky strategy to have children unless you're pretty sure that you actively want them. In my experience babies and young children can be extremely testing and can have the same effect as a grenade going off in your life. Not accounting for SEN/health issues, one high needs child can absolutely force a parent to adapt their life as the lack of sleep alone can be horrifying.

I'm not saying that everyone needs to be mother earth to have DC or that you can't have some feelings of doubt BUT I do think we are all responsible for making responsible decisions regarding bringing new lives into the world that will initially rely so heavily on us for their physical and emotional well-being.

Have you considered adoption OP?

Words fail me...

Oh no, I've found some.

Are you hard of thinking or what?

What was it about the OP's post — ambivalent about having children, keen for it to have a small an impact on her career as possible, not sure if she'd take to the primary carer role (all valid feelings and I'm in no way critical of the op) — that makes you think, 'oh she's absolutely ideal for a traumatised child with complex needs who has experienced loss, separation and has issues around attachment.'

I'm sorry if this comes across as angry, but it really rips my knitting that people talk about adoption as if it was akin to getting a gerbil from a rescue centre.

I don't think anyone would say that I was "naturally maternal" in that I certainly don't coo over babies. Many people have told that in fact and were surprised that I had children. I have always like children though and they seem to like me. Therefore, unlike many posters I see the fact that OP is "not interested in babies" as a big deal. It would be more worrying if she didn't like children.

Agreed on 'responsibility, Bumpity, but I think the women who come to parenthood out of ambivalence, like me, are more likely to ask the awkward questions in advance of ttc, if they decide to try to have a child, because we don't see having a child as any kind of inevitability and trust that 'things will sort themselves out'. It's a decision, and is approached like any other serious decision. DH and I for example talked through all kinds of 'what if' scenarios, discussed shared parental leave, childcare, sick child, who could work more flexibly, what country/ies we'd like our child to grow up in etc.

(And DS is in fact quite high needs in certain ways. He's never slept well, and is still not sleeping through the night at 6, for instance. Last week, he was up an average of three times a night. Aargh.)

What was it about the OP's post — ambivalent about having children, keen for it to have a small an impact on her career as possible, not sure if she'd take to the primary carer role

I suspect it was the fact that she would probably be able to adopt an older child. I agree that it is not a good idea though.

I think that’s nonsense Morgan. Put it down and wash your hair

😂 that made me giggle., such a mum comment.

You've had some interesting responses.

Anyway, I much prefer older children and I certainly enjoy my son more now at 13 years of age (even with the teenage blessings ) than at 13 months.

Finding a nanny or even a nursery or child minder is all good. Loads of babies have non-parental child care. It doesn't affect bonding or whatever. Mums and dads are always mums and dads.
It's way better than either of you resenting the baby or hating being at home. Enjoy your child when you're with them, rather than being fed up or tired all the time.

I suspect you will find your baby somewhat more appealing than other people's babies. You'll start building a relationship still in womb and babies do have a strange capacity to make mums and dads fall in love with them, although it may not happen to all.

It's good that you will consider how it will work out. Good on you for wanting to keep your career as well as your OH's.

I think you just aren't ready - and that's OK!

Transitioning to parenthood is a huge undertaking and many people find it extremely challenging. We are not all earth mothers/fathers.

But usually there's a genuine urge to have a child rather than a sort of vague interest.

You really don't sound well suited to parenthood. You need to consider too how you might manage if the child has disabilities. The thing about parenting is that you don't know what you're in for so if you're someone who needs to maintain control and to plan, plan, plan, you're in for a rough ride.

Perhaps just ponder being child-free, it's perfectly acceptable!!

@welshweasel how do you work from home as a surgeon?🤔

Surgeons don't only perform surgery nutella. There is research etc which is also done and which could be done at home.

@nutellanom - as well as seeing patients in clinic, operating and performing endoscopy, we also get time in our job plans for research, appraisal, CPD, admin (which is never ending) etc - we are lucky to have a great IT system that I can access from home on a laptop so I can sort emails, look at scans, blood results, prioritise referrals, dictate letters etc. My trust are supportive of flexible working, which makes it easier. We are also able to displace one of these sessions to the evening or weekend if we wish so it’s not as inflexible a job as you might think! All my on call is done from home too, unless I need to go in to operate, much of it is advice that can be given over the phone.

Don’t worry, I’m not doing surgery on my kitchen table!

You need to consider too how you might manage if the child has disabilities.

How many of the gung-ho 'naturally maternal' mothers-to-be think this through seriously before trying to conceive? Or do you think that being 'naturally maternal' somehow makes you magically able to cope with a child with a disability without strain/difficulty/heartsearching at abdicating elements of their own life?

But usually there's a genuine urge to have a child rather than a sort of vague interest.
You really don't sound well suited to parenthood.

WTF?

I had a vague interest in the sense that I quite like my career, waited to think of children, and I'd have been perfectly happy without children.
But, actually, I think I'm very well suited to parenthood. I'm not crippled by self doubt, nor find the desperate need to have children, I don't see my child as an extension of me, and I'm quite happy to give my child his space and independence.

'But usually there's a genuine urge to have a child rather than a sort of vague interest.'

I found myself pregnant and had ZERO interest. I can't even reacall it being vague TBH.

I think DP and I are not doing too bad a job.

I even adore my DC

I had a vague interest in the sense that I quite like my career, waited to think of children, and I'd have been perfectly happy without children. But, actually, I think I'm very well suited to parenthood. I'm not crippled by self doubt, nor find the desperate need to have children, I don't see my child as an extension of me, and I'm quite happy to give my child his space and independence

Well said, lweji.

I think this is getting ridiculous now.

As a PP has said, imagine if OP wanted a puppy as opposed to a child. They said they were only considering getting the puppy because their partner wanted one, they didn't have any real interest in puppies and they were planning to outsource a massive chunk of their day to day care ASAP. Sure, they might get the puppy and be the best dog owner ever, but equally the whole situation could easily go horribly wrong and many people would advise OP not to get the puppy I think a valid question that many people would have is why bother?

I also think it's really disingenuous to imply that being ambivalent about becoming a parent is the best foundation for having a child. As with all difficult roles, being motivated from the outset is a big advantage. We are all more likely to be better at our jobs when we are motivated hence why businesses take such a keen interest in this and the associated theories. Parenting is a tough, demanding job that can defeat even the most keen and eager, but to go into it with no great desire to actually take on the role is incredibly risky. You may find when the baby comes along that the urge to become an engaged, loving parent kicks in, but what if it doesn't? What if the ambivalence remains? I think it would be hard for a parent to mask this effectively and to avoid it damaging the child.

Don't do it! And no judgement from me - perfectly fine tho not have a baby and you have been completely open with your husband. Mine are very loved and wanted but I still miss my child free life- and self years into parenthood.

It's one think to find yourself pregnant and ambivalent.

Quite another to go into it by choice, feeling so unsure.

I agree with Bumpity and Howsoon

Youre thinking of one so i think you should. I think youd know if definitely not.

I was like this.
Yes its hard. Ended up with twins 🤣🤣 but i didnt enjoy my work. They are hard work but theyve changed me for the better. In ways ill describe if you want. Pm me.

Theyre also not babies forever. Theyre people. Family.

becoming a parent really REALLY ought to be something you can try out for a month before you decide.

I really wanted children and its been awful discovering what a terrible parent I am. The only think I can say in my favour is that at least I had the sense to stop at 1 rather than the 4 I had planned, when I realised how horrible I was at it.

I still feel like I lost out on my dream of 4 though - even when I actively chose not too because I was terrible at it. Annoying!

My advice to the OP is to look at the EVIDENCE not the feelings. There was plenty of evidence in my past to show why I would be a horrible parent, I just didn't look at it when making the decision because I was overwhelmed by feelz (and social pressure/expectation).

Don’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair on the baby.

Maybe consider fostering/adopting a teenager? Although you don’t sound very nice tbh. Children whatever their age tend to need a modicum of warmth to thrive.

Quite shocked at the amount of 'adopt or foster' suggestions here to someone who states they aren't particularly maternal to want their own dc

I'd personally rather chew my own arms off and from what Op has said she doesn't give me one reason to think it would be for her.

She said she quite likes her friends teen finds them interesting etc.

Why on earth would that equate to invite one to live in your house.

Perhaps it's just me

I also think it's really disingenuous to imply that being ambivalent about becoming a parent is the best foundation for having a child.

WTAF?