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Original poster

To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

479 replies

Undecided84 · 12/10/2018 19:32

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

OP posts:
53rdWay · 13/10/2018 14:01

Well then you can't add up. If a child is in childcare for 40 hours but another parent isn't looking after them for half of the time they aren't in childcare then noone is looking after the child for 128 hours.

Yes. You as a parenting team are responsible for the 128 hours it's not in nursery. You don't break down parenting with a timer, like "well her dad needs to do 64 of those hours so that's 64 hours where I get to put my feet up."

The world is indeed full of men who can't be arsed with the hard work of parenting young children, and don't think they should have to actually do anything but occasional bath and story, and have people justify that for them by going "oh but men don't really bond with tiny babies." And this is a rubbish attitude. You don't do it because you're thrilled with the exciting world of nappy-changing and mopping up vomit, you do it because it's your child and this is necessary work that the child involves.

beanaseireann · 13/10/2018 14:02

OP Think seriously.
When Man/ Woman plans the future the Gods smile.
What if you got pregnant naturally with twins/ triplets/ quads/ a special needs child or a physically disabled child.
Could you cope ?
Would you have support ?
Why do I look at worst case scenario ?
Because it's Sod's Law

Tinkobell · 13/10/2018 14:06

DH often think back to some of the precious 0-2 moments good and bad; chubby legs on the beach in Devon, sitting in pants (us) after dealing with a reflux session; tasting pear purée for the first time; sitting in a cafe serupticiously swabbing up milk off the floor. It's the bad and hard times as well as the magic moments that actually make the memories. I feel sorry for people that choose to take a back seat of that stage of their child's life.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 14:17

Yes. You as a parenting team are responsible for the 128 hours it's not in nursery.

So if the nursery is looking after them you are not "responsible" for them but if your partner is you still are.Hmm

You don't break down parenting with a timer, like "well her dad needs to do 64 of those hours so that's 64 hours where I get to put my feet up."

No you don't break it down with a timer but if you aren't even there as is often the case when two people work full time, you are hardly doing "hands on" parenting. I'm not suggesting that people put their feet up and watch for 64 hours but they might be working, doing housework etc etc. Either way if there are two of them they won't both be "hand's on" the whole time their child is not in nursery.

53rdWay · 13/10/2018 14:33

So if the nursery is looking after them you are not "responsible" for them but if your partner is you still are. Hmm

Yes. When I’m at home in the evening with my husband and child, I am still ‘on’ in a way that I’m not when said child is in childcare. We don’t break it down into “5-10pm, parenting is now your job!”.

If I’m at home and my child is in childcare, I can do what I like, I can go out for a long run without telling anyone, I can jump in the bath for two hours, I can put headphones in and ignore everything without having to warn the childcare adult that I’m doing it. I don’t need to have half an eye/ear out for where DD is and whether she’s getting into the DIY cupboard again, because I know someone else is focused on her and 100% responsible for her safety.

If I’m at home in the evening with DH and child it is not the same. I might not be interacting with my child every second of every minute but I’m still on duty for much of it to some degree, as is he. If I want to go for a run I need to sort it out first so that he knows I’m going out and so that he’s not landed with doing all the childcare in the evening. If DD leaves the room her dad’s in and comes into the room I’m in, I’ll keep an eye on her. I’m hardly going to go “oh well I still get to totally switch off from parenting and do what I like when I like on my own timetable, as long as I don’t exceed 50% of the evening doing it.”

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 14:33

The world is indeed full of men who can't be arsed with the hard work of parenting young children, and don't think they should have to actually do anything but occasional bath and story, and have people justify that for them by going "oh but men don't really bond with tiny babies."

No people don't say that they "don't really bond with tiny babies" if they give them a bath and read a story every might. They usually think that they are good fathers. They certainly wouldn't tell them not to have children if they didn't want to have months off work after the birth of their child.

MarthasGinYard · 13/10/2018 14:34

'I don't agree that the "most unlikely parents can make the best ones". What a dangerous piece of advice.'

The Specialist at the termination clinic said those words to me and I'm so glad they did.

The advice to me on that day was priceless rather than dangerous.

It's just a personal memory I was sharing.

53rdWay · 13/10/2018 14:39

I suppose what I’ve seen before is the phrase “hands on” applied to fathers only. And it means “going above and beyond the bare minimum you need to do as a dad [= zero] to meet your child’s needs sometimes.”

Where I have a problem with it is that for fathers it’s used to describe a parenting style or a preferenc, not something you have to do but something he’s choosing to do because he’s such a good dad [insert patronising applause here].

When the OP says she wouldn’t need to be “hands on” from 0-2, I am concerned she’s viewing the care of young children in the same way these men are - seeing the basic level of care and interaction as some kind of optional extra you only do if you’re really into babies. And it’s not.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 14:39

Yes. When I’m at home in the evening with my husband and child, I am still ‘on’ in a way that I’m not when said child is in childcare. We don’t break it down into “5-10pm, parenting is now your job!”.

You wouldn't still be "on" if you were at work and your partner was at home looking after your child anymore than you would be if they were at nursery?! Not many full time workers would be at home from 5 to 10 p.m. every evening. DH wasn't home until about 7.30 or 8 p.m. (he started late) so he could hardly be described as parenting all the hours my children weren't at nursery! I was parenting the whole time either as I was at work by 7 a.m. and they were at home with him. There were also times at the weekend when one of us would be out of the house while the other was looking after the children.

53rdWay · 13/10/2018 14:41

No people don't say that they "don't really bond with tiny babies" if they give them a bath and read a story every might.

Yeah, but I mean situations where Dad does a story and the occasional bath and only when directly told to do so and the mother’s going “help, he does sod all, how can I fix this?” She absolutely will get told by some people that the poor dear can’t help it, men just aren’t very into babies, maybe it’ll get better when the child reaches 2 or so. Not as much on MN (thank God) but I have absolutely seen it elsewhere.

53rdWay · 13/10/2018 14:43

You wouldn't still be "on" if you were at work and your partner was at home looking after your child anymore than you would be if they were at nursery?!

That’s why I said “when we’re all at home”, not “when I’m at work”!

Desmondo2016 · 13/10/2018 14:49

I'm quite similar to you op and I have 4 now! You absolutely can make it work and it'll be the best thing you ever did (after the toughest year of your lifeGrin)

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 14:50

That’s why I said “when we’re all at home”, not “when I’m at work”!

Yes, but you said that parents are responsible for their children the whole time they are not in nursery. That assumes that they are always at home with the child when they are not in nursery which is very often not the case. I certainly wasn't "parenting" the whole time my children weren't at nursery. DH did that a lot of the time (while I was at work or doing something else) and visa versa.

Pheasantplucker2 · 13/10/2018 14:50

No one knows what type of human they will grow.

I was lucky in the baby stage - they were all pretty easy, even with 3 under 4. However, I've found it much more difficult as they've got older - it has recently emerged that my eldest has aspergers, and they've gone through hell as a result - struggles with friendships, bullying etc.

It's impossible to know what life will throw at you. If you went through all the pros and cons of having a child, I think very few people would actually go through with it as the cost, the responsibility, the loss of so much of your former life can seem horrific until you've had the baby and (hopefully) bonded.

I wouldn't be without any of my children, but I worry and struggle in a way that I simply didn't pre children.

If you're not sure or doing it to please someone else, please don't.

Hope you find peace either way

LaDaronne · 13/10/2018 14:52

In your shoes I'd also give some consideration to what happens if your DH meets someone who does want kids. It happens. Quite a lot.

loveyoutothemoon · 13/10/2018 14:55

Don't have a baby.

You don't sound like you want one, you can't go into it half heartedly.

53rdWay · 13/10/2018 14:57

Yes, but you said that parents are responsible for their children the whole time they are not in nursery

Sigh. Yes, parents are. That does not mean that both parents will be at home for exactly the same hours at exactly the same times. It means that the OP can’t assume that by putting a child in nursery 40 hours a week, she can therefore outsource all the hands-on care work.

I work longer hours than my DH and we stagger our work hours to fit drop-off and pick-ups. I really don’t believe parents all work exactly the same hours...

pollysproggle · 13/10/2018 15:13

Yeeeeah it's not for you. I wouldn't bother, it's not a bad thing to not want a baby.

The baby and toddler years aren't a breeze for the parents but they're really important for the child's development. I believe when you decide to have a child you do have to put parts of your life on hold and make sacrifices but if you really want a child that wouldn't be a problem.

bubbles108 · 13/10/2018 15:18

I have no problem with nurseries or working mums

But you just don't seem bothered one way or another about a potential human being who needs to be loved

DO NOT HAVE A BABY

littledinaco · 13/10/2018 15:18

My issue is that the thought of getting through the 0-2 stage fills me with dread.

I think you’re possibly underestimating the small/hard/baby stage. The 2-4 stage can be really hard too. Toddlers that age still need a lot of help with everything, want playing with, entertaining, hard to reason with, often lots of tantrums, etc.

Even small children are a lot of hard work, need lots of help, take a lot of your time and energy.

I think the stage you are looking forward to isn’t really 2+ more like 6+ which is a long time to dislike doing something.

If you do really hate the 0-2 stage, even small babies pick up on more than you think. I would say that it would be potentially damaging to them if you really resented it as they would more that likely pick up on this which would be really unfair.

Also if you had a child with a disability/health problems/SN, the 0-2 stage could be a lot longer than you anticipate.

littledinaco · 13/10/2018 15:21

Have a read on the importance of bonding etc in the first couple of years. 75% of brain development occurs in the first two years, it’s a really import time in a child’s life and doesn’t seem fair on them if you know something you will ‘dread’.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/10/2018 15:25

I really don’t think you should have a baby. It sounds like you already resent it. It wouldn’t be right.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 15:27

Sigh. Yes, parents are. That does not mean that both parents will be at home for exactly the same hours at exactly the same times. It means that the OP can’t assume that by putting a child in nursery 40 hours a week, she can therefore outsource all the hands-on care work.

Sigh. If they are not "responsible" for them and "hands on" when they are at nursery then why are they "responsible" for them if they are at work/doing something else and the other parent is at home looking after them?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 13/10/2018 15:51

It doesn’t sound like either of you have room in your busy and fulfilling lives for a child. There’s nothing wrong in acknowledging that.

Flowerpot2005 · 13/10/2018 16:00

I was in the exact same position, age etc & we decided to have a child.

My world completely changed & my focus went on this tiny little person who relied on us for everything. I didn't want to miss a second of it despite how hard work it can be. I ten only wanted to go back part time & did.

The major change came from my the husband who decided he didn't like not being the centre of my world & found a willing bike who gave him a few rides & off he went. Bye now! So single mum it was. I have a child, 12 now, who I utterly adore & who adores me back. I didn't like kids full stop but I adored every stage with my own little person & who is my absolute best friend.