To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

Have you considered adoption OP?

The Op and her husband are unlikely to be allowed to adopt in the UK. If they don’t have time for a straightforward baby, they don’t have time to raise a traumatised child with additional needs. You can’t adopt and put your kids into full time child care.

I have a lovely dear friend who could well have written your op almost 20 years ago.

Very intelligent woman with great career not really a baby person...

Had it all planned out, baby was going to nursery at 2 months no matter what and she'd be back at work and no longer bored, stuck at home etc...

She couldn't do it! Spent the whole of the first day back at work in bits and ended up asking to take longer mat leave, agreed to work the rest of that week until cover could be sorted, but then went back on Mat leave and when she did return, she went part time.

She also wanted 2 more DC which she's had and she thoroughly enjoys being a mum - as well as her professional role which she has long since returned to doing full time.

I'm not saying this WILL be you, but the truth is you cannot know really how you will feel about parenthood until you are a parent.

Can work the other way too, I've another friend who initially thought she wanted a big family, was from a big family herself (so not necessarily rose tinted glasses) but had a horrendous time being pregnant and while she loves her child, she's found parenthood really tough for various reasons and so decided to not have more.

Personally, I'm not overly enamoured of the young baby stage. I'm a weirdo that likes the teen stage! I adore dd and quite enjoyed the baby stage to a point, there are pros and cons to all stages, I hated the late toddler to primary age point (they think they're more capable than they are, lots of mess and mistakes, plus endless bum and fart jokes!), teen stage much more interesting conversations, can enjoy more adult activities/entertainment, quite independent even 😱 occasionally helpful! But yea could live without the hormonal crap! But then I can be just as bad there!

Not all women, even mothers, are that fussed about babies. It's a short lived stage too.

BUT you need to be honest with yourself. If you really don't want a child having one would be a TERRIBLE idea, but to be blunt at your age you need to decide one way or the other ASAP.

You mention in a post unpredictability etc - that's far less the case with your own child. You can "read" them better. You'll know if your child is a hider/toucher/bolter and will figure out management strategies.

Re c section - I had an emcs it's major surgery, quite debilitating and not the easy option at all. Longer recovery too which could impact return to work plans. Plus again you might well feel differently once actually pregnant.

I thought I was too much of a wimp to contemplate a natural birth, but my mum correctly predicted that once pregnant that would be my preference. Indeed I didn't even take any anaesthesia until I knew I was looking at an emcs and it was a LONG Labour (28 hours). But honestly it wasn't that painful I found and generally speaking vaginal birth is better for mum and baby and quicker to recover from if there's no reason not to.

I agree adoption DEFINITELY not appropriate, adopted children need MORE parenting not less.

Lots to think about op.

I do not feel that I would resent spending my weekends and evenings entertaining a child that can actually talk to, etc. My issue is that the thought of getting through the 0-2 stage fills me with dread.

Children are extremely needy in terms of hands on caring long after 2. Parents do all their practical thinking for them well into late childhood, as well as all the physical organising that is required, all the checking up on school work, all the schlepping to and fro. And of course, all the moulding and shaping.

Then they turn into pre teens...

Well i can’t say I love the any stage at all. But my two dcs are teens and I really enjoy spending time with them!
For me, the older they got, the more I have enjoyed been with them.

And that’s the thing. I can’t see anything wrong with saying you don’t enjoy the baby stage. Plenty of women don’t.
It doesn’t mean they don’t love their dcs or don’t look after them well.

I posted already, but looking at your updates, I'm thinking I should be more concise.

DON'T DO IT! all your thoughts are about damage limitation and that isn't fair on the child, as well as the fact that there's so much potential for it to go wrong.

this is a whole human being you're responsible for. you clearly don't want to. Just don't.

why do u keep taloking about it though like your dong a timetable

kids vary ytou could have a disabled child that never speaks a child that needs permanent care where does your i'll be happy when they talk theory come into it then

youre doing it because you think your dh shold be a father-not because you think you should be a mother

I’ll be honest, I agree with what everyone else is saying. Your level of interest and commitment sounds about equal to being a secondary carer, ie, the role men often fufil when they are the full time worker and the woman stays at home.

For me, I really really wanted children. So the ‘what ifs’ were the ‘stress test’. Did I still want children IF.

You say it’s your OH who is more keen on being a father OP. Perhaps make a list of the IFs and present it to him with the assumption he would be picking up the slack.

So what IF:

• you are seriously ill in hospital and he has to do majority of newborn care
• you develop PND and cannot cope with being at home with the baby, but are too worried about attachment to put baby in nursery (say it’s 2m at this point) so demand that he take six months of parental leave while you go back to work
• baby is disabled required full time care from a parent in first year (nursery wouldn’t be able to provide the care required etc)

If he response is ‘that won’t happen’ or ‘we’ll deal with it at the time’ DON’T DO IT. That’s a clue that his subconscious is saying it’s not my problem to solve. So who’s will it be? Yours. Fuck that.

If he takes it seriously, looks up his work parental leave. Calculates how much you would need to have put aside in savings to make up for him not working for a year, etc etc. If you are CERTAIN that he will expect, at all points, to be primary parent, and never pull the ‘but I’m the higher earner....’ card. Then it could be a goer.

You will also need savings. We went into having children with substantial savings. Damn glad we did as we did indeed have a disabled child and the money throw away on takeaways alone (the levels of exhaustion are UNREAL) was ridiculous. If we hadn’t had money spare to make our lives easier, I’ll be honest I don’t know if our marriage would have survived. The stress would have eaten it.

Oh and I also agree that both parents working full time and using nursery doesn’t negate the need for a primary carer. One of you needs to be. Your OH needs to prove he is willing to be. That includes suggesting how to amend your lifestyle / finances to ensure you can still afford to live whilst he fulfils his parenting duties.

I was never a baby person. I love my career and travel. So when my husband and I found out we were having a baby we just adjusted our lives to ensure we could keep it up. We changed our working hours so we could share childcare equally and both got to keep our careers. We travel regularly with the baby which we find lovely. I never wanted a baby because of how other people made it seem - like it was boring and like to had to stop your life to do it. I genuinely don't think you can either have an exciting career, active life OR a baby, I think you can have it all.

I genuinely don't think you can either have an exciting career, active life OR a baby, I think you can have it all.

Bully for you, superwoman. 99.99% cannot. (Not that I'd want to.)

glad I'm not alone marthasginyard

Ostrich

Seems there's a few of us

Few and far between as we apparently are

Count me in too MarthasGinYard. Wasn't interested for years, then was ambivalent, then decided to go for it, now have two rugrats who are my absolute world.

Fantastic

We can be the 'unlikely parents' 'how dangerous' come good clan

Maybe Op will join us in years to come.

Of course you can have a career, baby and an active life - I certainly do as do many of my friends. I’m a consultant surgeon and love my job. I’ve negotiated a great job plan which means I can drop off at nursery at 8am and pick up by 5pm. I work at least one day a week from home. I get all my work done during the week so weekends are solely family time (no chores or anything done on weekends). We’ve continued to travel extensively, we ski, scuba dive etc. Number two on the way so will get more complicated but no plans to stop travelling or going away frequently for weekends etc. Hopefully the kids will enjoy the same active stuff as we do so it will only get easier as they get older!

“Of course you can have a career, baby and an active life”

Well it depends on the child, doesn’t it? Children with significant health problems or disabilities don’t always slot in quite so easily. Some parents do have to give up a lot of things in order to provide an unexpected level of care.

If you can continue your career and interests after having a child, you are lucky. Don’t just declare that it’s possible for everyone because it’s not.

My child doesn’t have significant health issues btw but I still feel that my life has changed and got harder. I’m glad I’m not pressuring myself to “have it all” as it would be too much. I’m guessing I’m not alone in that, and while some parents are happy having it all, others find that it’s better for their mental health to accept not having it all - at least not for a while.

The more money you have, the lesser the impact on your life.

Generally.

@anotheremma, yes I totally take your point and count my blessings that it is possible by virtue of luck for me to have it all.

I do think there is a general perception though that having a baby ends any hope of career progression, travel, being able to ‘have a life’ and I think it’s worth challenging. Many people choose to change their life dramatically as a result of having a baby, which is great if that’s what they want to do, but I spend a lot of time trying to convince young doctors in my specialty that they don’t have to choose between their career and having children - there’s plenty of us that manage both pretty successfully.

And @formerbabe, indeed - having money helps. Childcare costs in this country make going back to work prohibitive for an awful lot of people.

My DS had some significant health investigations in his first 3 years of life due to a congenital issue. Luckily for us, we both have understanding employers - my boss's child also has some health issues so he was particularly kind. I managed to keep my career going and be a good mum (I hope) but my social life and my health has really suffered. Now he's four, the endless hospital appointments have dropped to 2 or 3 a year, and we're much less worried about his prognosis so I'm hoping that I might have time to concentrate a little more on my mental and physical wellbeing.

To have it all, you need a healthy happy child, an understanding employer in a career that's supportive to women, a partner who pulls his weight and a bit of luck, I think. A good family support system also helps.

Not everyone is naturally maternal. It's ok not to have children. Some people are suited to be full time parents some arent. Don't feel you have to because it's expected of you

I'm a stay at home mum/carer and I love my children dearly but I do miss work and my own life. It isn't easy at all. Especially if the child has additional health issues. I hate anyone else's kids but mine! Probably mid way between maternal/shouldn't have kids

'Not everyone is naturally maternal. It's ok not to have children.'

Not forgetting it's also absolutely fine to not be 'naturally maternal' and HAVE dc.

Of course @martha. I'm least maternal person in the world and I have 3.

@MarthasGinYard
Not forgetting it's also absolutely fine to not be 'naturally maternal' and HAVE dc.
I'm not sure that I agree with this to be honest, but maybe it's depends on how you define "maternal". Every definition I read involves words such as "loving" and "caring" and I feel that these are important attributes for a mother to have. I understand that people's feelings can change or suprise them and sometimes one can feel completely differently about their own child(ren) than how they feel about children in general BUT the amount of threads started on here by adult DC who feel unloved or uncared for by their parents is sad.

Ultimately children don't ask to be born and if you're pretty sure you won't enjoy motherhood or be a good mother to your child then the prevailing wisdom has to be to not have children. If you actually think that you would be a good mother and have the capacity to be that loving and caring figure for your DC then I would say you are actually "naturally maternal" afterall.